How can I "swallow" my feelings?

[Anonymous]

Dear friends,
I am 15 years old, gay but known as one of the popular straight boys among my peers in school. No one knows i am gay and i never found it hard hiding it by everyone. Its what i want in fact.
Although pretending to be dating with female classmates, i ve always liked my best (male) friend, who i know since 1th grade of primary school. Now, being in the 3rd grade of junior highschool i ve been (only) sexually attracted to him. Let me inform you that he is more likely straight. (more likely because although he has a girlfriend, i still hope for something else).
However a week ago we had a 2days trip with my class and i shared a room with him. And what happened is something i have never felt: i didn't sleep the whole night, not even for a minute, only for watching him sleeping. I ve heard about love, about "feeling butterflies in your stomach" but never felt it. I am so in love with him. I ve always thought that in this age, love is a way to show off. But now i cant see him in a sexual or just friendly way. I look at him everyday in school and imagine him holding me in his arms, strocking my hair, kissing me.
Sounds nice? Of course not. Falling in love is hard. I have so strong feelings for him that i will never express. Don't advise me to tell him everything. I dont want to lose my friend but my imaginary lover. What can i do to "swallow" my feelings? I can't help staring him at class and can't face listening to him saying "Dude, you are looking me like my girlfriend. it's freaky". Help me face him... He wants to find a girlfriend for me now that "i am in the singles' group". It's killing me!!!

(Please, since i am new here, tell me how to answer your answers. Either individually or publically)

[jbrowder24]

It sounds like you already know it's wrong to love him when he has a girlfriend and most likely wouldn't feel the same way in return, and I can't blame you for wanting to keep the friendship and everything as normal. You said you had to share a room with him on a trip, will you have any other events coming out that put you in close proximity? Because avoiding such situations would be the first step, if possible. You can still hang out, just try and make it more 'group' things than one on one, etc.

Before giving more advice, what kind of environment are you in? I understand you don't want to lose your stature as being popular, but do you think your friend would accept you if he knew you were gay? (not talking about saying you like him, just meaning so he won't harass you about finding a girlfriend, etc). Or do you think he looks negatively upon it? Etc. ... Feel free to PM me if you prefer with this Also this is a bit out there and no guarantees but you could also try hypnosis, definitely pm if you're curious about that

[Jfierce]

At age 15 I would be very cautious about coming out. At this age kids can be very cruel and very unaccepting of someone who is different. Odds are your friend is straight and if you out yourself or let him know your feelings you may jeopordise your friendship. You may want to tell him that you are not quite ready for a GF and want to concentrate on school and extra curriculars right now.

[zeon]

I think the best thing to do is tell him that you are not wishing for a girlfriend right now... Keep putting it off and once you leave school then let him know the reason you didnt want a girlfriend was because you are gay but felt it wasnt right to tell in school.. Lets face it children can be bloody nasty when it comes to things like coming out

[OrphanPip]

I'd say the best fix would to be to divert your attentions towards something more appropriate, but at 15 it's incredibly hard to find other gay boys your age.

These periods of high school unrequited love are just part of the gay condition, we all go through it.

[Jfierce]

As for your feelings towards him that will be harder to deal with. About the only thing that can really help is distance and time. Best advice is to find some activities apart from him that you truly enjoy and put your energies there. It may be tough but do try your best. Our gay youth are important and your happiness and courage and strength is important too. Hang in there young man.

[marshlander]

You sound like a mature and sensible fifteen year old. Well done for being able to keep some kind of perspective on all this stuff. Of course it's hard being in love with someone, specially when you know it can never be requited, but don't let anyone try to tell you that what you feel isn't real and that it cannot be exquisitely delicious as well as excruciatingly painful.

In time you will find other thoughts take up residence in your head and gradually the current object of your affections will take a more appropriate place in your memory.

Like others above I would also suggest some caution in talking to him about your feelings. He may be very considerate, but if he chooses to try and work out the situation your disclosure places him in with a third party you can guarantee it would not be long before someone comes along who feels they have right on their side and something to prove in making your life more difficult.

Best wishes to you. Stay strong

[East]

WOW! You described that very well...you brought me right back to the exact time I was in your shoes and I remembered what it was like...so thanks for that.:biggrin:

What I used to do is listen to this song...over and over and over...til I either got him out of my head or fell asleep. I swear it was the only thing that helped...I used to try cold showers too but they only helped for awhile. Chaka Khan became my favorite singer because of the many hours I spent listening to this...

I don't know if it will help you at all but it's worth a shot I suppose as it worked for me...there is no answer really in my opinion. Things unfold as they will...ain't nothing but a maybe....good luck to you!

[toomuch45]

I think the best thing to do is tell him that you are not wishing for a girlfriend right now... Keep putting it off and once you leave school then let him know the reason you didnt want a girlfriend was because you are gay but felt it wasnt right to tell in school.. Lets face it children can be bloody nasty when it comes to things like coming out

i agree with zeon