Resentment: Just a vent out on bottled up feelings.

[Anonymous]

Hi There
This site hs given me some good advice, although that I tend not to listen to, yet I come here heh.
Eitherway, easiest way to narrate this post is that latelly I've just felt so bitter. It comes and goes. I am very personal, and I have it hard opening myself up, either if it's comming out to my family or if it's talking about my past / feelings. I tend to keep them bottled up and pretending to be great, but it's not going that well now adays.

In general, dont I trust people. Maybe because people have proven to be so two faced. I hate my last job and my current one, not because of the job itself but because of the people. So much passive aggresiveness. I am a quiet person and for some reson do people tend to find it intimidating, and I've experienced it all my life. It haven't bothered me that much before, other than I felt left out and perhaps somewhat sad, but now I dread being social.

I love just being alone infront of my computer isolating myself from everyone, but I know that doing so only brings more resentment. I do not harbour any jealosy / enviousness, I just dread people, and I dislike that I do. Perhaps it's because I am surrounded by people that only brings me down, but as long as I keep myself isolated wont my bitterness fade away.

I cant just quit my job, I cant just cease my contact with my family and friends, but It only hurts more holding onto feelings that I can't vent out. A part of me just want to say "fuck you" to the whole world, a part of me want to come out and not carring for the consequenses, a part of me just want to punch my brother, my friends or my workmates in the face, or set something on fire, but I wont, I cant, the consequenses will be to dire, yet I just feel so frustrated about everyting.

I've tried going to a psychologist, a counceler, but I cant be completelly frank with her. I am not lying, I am just explaining the very tip of the iceberg. I've tried, but it just can't open up about my problems for anyone, atleast not in person where I am not "annónymous". I just... Argh. Not to sound dramatic, or anything, but a part of me just wish I would die. Thinking of death brings me more happiness than the though of going through life with all of the shit and bumps along the road. But like any other human being, do I have survival instincts and have not been able to do it yet.

Thus far I've just fleed from the battleground, from my fights, but I know that it's in vein. Moving to a new town wont make my problems suddenly disapear, as I've moved many times. Although I am only 23, do I feel like a bitter 70 year old resenting and scolding for pity things. I complain a lot, but never about the core problem, which is myself and my wellbeing. All I really desire is a shoulder to cry on and a big hug, but that is unmanly and that was not how I was raised. My brother is a junkie and is only a burden towards me and my mother. My father is a macho distant whiskey drinking moron. I love my mother but she is semi handicaped. Although she is a successful business woman, cant we care for us both, which brings me pain to see when my brother leech of her. I love my brother too, but not what he have become.

I am thinking of what to write more. I need help, or some advice. I will probably not listen to it, but I still need it. Everything just seem so gloom, and I am just tired of everything, of me, of people, of life, of everything. I just... Sigh

[kindy64]

Hang in there. Find someplace where you fit in, even if its only for an hour. Maybe a local LGBT center?

[jimcrackcorn]

From what you've written,, it sounds like you have problems interacting with people socially. Perhaps it is Social Anxiety Disorder, which can be successfully treated - if you open up to your therapist.

What you are doing is sabotaging yourself by not interacting with others socially. You are seen as not being a team player at work, even though you do your job well, your co-workers will think you don't like them because you don't interact with them - so they return the favor by finding ways to put you down, or put your work down,,, etc...

If you continue to isolate yourself from human interaction, you may fall further into a state of depression and possibly even complete withdrawal from society...

Start seeing a Counselor again, not the same one as before, but one that you will feel more at ease with,, and this time let them know how you really feel inside!!! Your not going to find happiness in your life if you continue the route your taking.

Best wishes,
Jim

[MikeW]

...I love just being alone infront of my computer isolating myself from everyone, but I know that doing so only brings more resentment. I do not harbour any jealosy / enviousness, I just dread people, and I dislike that I do. Perhaps it's because I am surrounded by people that only brings me down, but as long as I keep myself isolated wont my bitterness fade away. ...

Hi Mr Anonymous. I think in that last sentence you meant to say "as long as I keep myself isolated my bitterness won't go away.".... do I have that right.

I tend to isolate, but not out of bitterness. I'm just not a very social person. IDK why. Never have been. Now that hasn't alway been the case. I used to live in an artist's loft building and knew almost everyone there. I even became real good friends with a few of them. I often had "movie nights" ... where I invited people to come hang out. I had a digital projector and a large wall that I projected movies on. It was great.

But all that is in the past. Now I live alone. I'm surrounded by college kids. SO, about your age or younger, mostly. I don't have much interaction with them. IDK how they see me, if they see me, but I'm sure I must look very old to them. IDK.

But judging from what you've said here I'd say that you need some quality attention. I don't understand why you can't be completely open with your therapist. Since you've chosen to hide yourself under a sack of anonymity, I have no idea where you are or what your circumstances are beyond what you've written. But it does seem that you DO crave SOME kind of contact.... even if it is only words on a computer monitor. Right?

I'd much rather give you a big IRL hug. But since that's not possible, maybe this will do...



If you WANT to talk w/ someone... you can PM me. That means you'll have to step out of the bag. It's ok. I'm not going to judge you., whether you do or you don't. BUT if you need to vent, then you need someone to listen TO your vent. I can be available for that either here, or in private message, or via email, or Skype.

[irishbritish]

There is much truth to what you said, anonymous poster. My dad didn't even haver a Facebook account he was so private, yet he did things that were extraordinary to most people, which is helping people on a crisis intervention hotline.

I would say about 80% people I work with are mostly shy. There's nothing wrong with that. Alot of people judge people like that, since it's a harsh world out there. People judge what they see and don't see what's beyond what they don't see.

Thinking of death is so easy, since it seems the only option. I think you just need someone to talk, or vent to about things with no judgement. That's what most suicide callers needed. Just someone who is willing to listen!

I have to make probably create about 8 more posts before I private chat, but either way you need someone to vent about all these things to allow yourself to process what's going on. There's nothing wrong with asking for help or to listen!