Help

[jd99]

I am a gay male and I am very out to family. Everyone is very accepting and loving. I have an aunt who is very southern religious. She wants nothing to do with me because I am gay but she still speaks and visits my cousin who is a lesbian. I can't help but feel left out or take this very personal. I have withdrawn from my family so I do not make my family have to choose. They ask me why I don't come around anymore. Don't want anyone to choose. But this is really making me feel bad. Any thoughts. I had a very bad dream that my family was having a party and I showed up and no one spoke to me. Any words of wisdom.

[East]

Your situation is more common than you may realize and I think you should tell them directly and make them choose. May I ask if you have already considered that and maybe are afraid of who they would choose? Rejection or the prospect of rejection can be extremely painful...

Think of it this way...If you were adopted and you were black and your white parents were inviting over a member of the KKK for dinner because they were related...would you feel disrespected?

Truly...bigots exist because we enable them and we don't stand up to them. They need to make a choice and YOU are the only choice in my opinion.

Also...may I suggest one more thing? You stated that you are feeling bad and that means she has made you her victim as she is carrying on normally and you are suffering because of HER bigotry so mentally you need to turn the tables on her...you said she wont' talk to you. Well...mentally take it back and own it....the real question is...do YOU really want to talk to her? Someone who is a bigot and hides behind religion to justify it isn't worth the time of day in my opinion. Don't give her the power to make that decision. Do it for her.

Good Luck!

[fredv3b]

I am sorry but I am a bit confused. Why does the fact that your aunt rejects you lead you to reject the rest of your family who accept you?

[zeon]

Hello there,
Dont reject your family for the sake of your aunt... If i was in your position and my aunt didnt like me being gay you know what id do??? Id continue to stay with my family that do want to know of me... I wouldnt allow her to make me feel bad about things in life... If she visits your cousin who is a lesbian and not you because your gay i wouldnt say that is a reason.. I take it that the lesbian is her daughter?? If so she is only doing a motherly instinct whereas your not a biological child of hers.. I have 2 members of my family that dont agree with me being gay but i have the backing of my family behind me supporting me for who I am and if they try to make my life hell my family will disown them... What is yours like?? If you got their support remain in touch... If your aunt ever made you choose anything then you can just choose what she doesnt want you to choose and disown her.. Maybe write her a letter explaining that these feelings you have are natures way of me being born me... Explain to her that in every family there is always at least one gay.. Explaion to her that the reason you are gay is the reason she is hetrosexual... It isnt a choice and we didnt wake up and sdecide to start cock crunching...

Best of luck

Kindest regards

zeon xx

[jd99]

Thanks for tthe support. To further the saga I did not reject my family. I kinda disappeared for about 5 years. I moved a few times so it was easy to keep busy and pretend things were fine. The lesbian is not the aunts in questions daughter. I did not even tell my father (its his sister) anything. It all started when her husband had a heart attack 6 or 7 yyears ago and I sent him a little get well soon package and card. I had no answer for about a month so I called my other aunt who I have been very close to and she kept avoiding the question and knew something was wrong. She fianlly said please just let them be and started to cry. She said not to let idiots affect me and so on. This aunts daughter is the lesbian. I ignored the situation a few months and when I spoke to my lesbian cousin I told her and she was like wow that's funny she doesn't ever say anything about me being gay and she asked me to come visit her. So of course I was devastated. I did not let them know how I felt. She of course said screw her (different words were used) and I said don't worry about it and quickly changed the subject. Recently there was a death in the family and I was uanable to attend the funeral and she was there and my brother and sister were with her and my name would come up and she would excuse herself from the area. Nothing rude. I called my aunt (with a leasbian daughter) to see how she was and she was so happy to hear from me. She always speaks to my father and always tells him to send me her love and for me to call her. We spoke for about an hour and she said in that conversation that she would like to sit down with me and talk about why I disappeared for so many years. I promised her this. So I. Will have that visit and explain to her my reasons. I recently told my sister about this and she was very upset that this happened and had some choice words about my aunt. I really don't want people to attack my aunt. This would make my family divide. So I stayed silent for so many years. Well that's the story so far. Thank you all for the kind words and support.

[zeon]

hello JD,
Talking about problems within a family can help fix them... If io was you i would talk with your aunt about how you have been feeling.. I dont think anyone has a issue with you its just something is going on in your other aunts mind that is making her disappear and not want to know you.. I know its not the same but at least it isnt your mother who has disowned you for being gay like your aunt is... If she continues to play this card then only thing you can do really is shrug ya shoulders and think... Her loss not mine im ready to pick up the pieces as and when she is

kindest regards

zeon

[jbrowder24]

You and your aunt both might feel uncomfortable being in the same place, but that doesn't mean that the other relatives won't be glad to see you both. How intimate are the gatherings - are they big enough people can converse with different relatives and you guys don't necessarily have to interact, or is it more intimate that you'd have to force interactions? Or is it that your aunt would leave if you were there?

Regarding your cousin, is she in a relationship? I ask because I see you are, and I'm wondering if your aunt is in denial about her if she's not whereas she feels you're living in sin.

I wish I had an easy answer for you but I think it's important to remember that you aren't making your family choose - if she leaves, etc., then that is on your aunt, and I'm sure you're other family members will know that and not blame you if they are indeed accepting.

[jd99]

Hey guys. Yes this is a very weird and complicated situation. Funny how we grow up thinking there are no bullies as adults but up pops a family member who acts like an idiot. This side of the family is small and spread out. I am in NY most of my family is from Monterey Ca and my aunt in question is in West Virginia. I am known for the quick tongue and blunt mouth but there is something about this situation I just can't be bold and tell her off. I grew up close to my family and loved and respected my aunts and uncles. She even named her son after me. My oldest aunt is 70 (with a face lift and she looks gorgeous) and her only daughter is lesbian who just left a 10 year relationship cause her gf was poisoning her slowly and we didn't know what was wrong with her. This aunt actually mended fences between my dad and I. I come from a very macho family and I overcompensated in my youth so I did not allow to many people to know about my sexuality. Lots of fights. Now I am very close to him and he does not care. I don't want to tell my mom (mom and dad are divorced) because she will be on the next flight out to have a few words with my aunt. Love the mom. She is the best woman ever. I have thought about writing a letter or sending her the movie Prayers for Bobby to point out the religious issue. Who knows. What to do??? I am the counselor for all my friends and it is very hard for me to ask for advice especially about this. So I turn to the great people on here.

[simon]

guess its the anal thing your aunt can't get passed,so lesbains she can cope with,if she only new straights do anal too,maybe drop her a video of some straight porn,there again that maybe not a good idea or she will never speak to anyone ever again.

you need to be you and find out who will accept you and who won't,staying away for all those years has not got you any farther to knowing,take each person on one at a time,if they don't accept you,then at least you will know but those that do you need to tell them you need their support with the family members that don't,there can be no half way house,they either support you or they don't,they have had enought time now to work this out,those that don't accept tell to keep away from you,and ask those that support you to help you with the family members that don't,don't make it easy for them by staying away any more,hold your head up ,let it be their problem now not yours.