I have just come to terms with being gay... I have denied it for many years. I have tried to not be gay, but now I realize that I cannot change who I am. My parents have asked me 3 or 4 times if I am gay or not, but each time they asked me, I told them that I was straight, not gay. I am so scared of what my parents/sister/friends will do/think if i were to ever tell them. Is there anything that would make this easier? I don't know if I could ever come out to anyone.
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hi Music,
I sympathise with your position, it's not easy coming out for the first time and exposing all of those 'wrong' feelings to your friends and family. You don't want to dissapoint them or make them feel ashamed, but the fact is that they already love you unconditionally and the way you live your life will hopefully be something they come to understand.
In another sense I also think you are in a good position - you are honest and knowing with yourself about your sexuality and are looking to make the next step. Truth is there is no real easy way to 'come out' but I do know that it feels a whole lot better afterwards when all the dust has settled. It really is like taking your medicinine.
The fact they have asked you 3 or 4 times makes me think they be suspicious, and would give them peace of mind just to know  sometimes parents don't always want to judge and criticise you, they just want to know who you are and if you're happy.
Take it slowly, and one person at a time. I chose my best friend first knowing he would be okay, and eventually parents when I got the confidence. Keep it private, keep it honest, and tell them you love them. Don't apologise though, you are who you are and you need to feel good about yourself. Wishing you all the best x
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Hello there,
Coming out is necver an easy option the fact that your parents keep asking if your gay may mean that they acutally accept it... Maybe notifying your mum before yuour dad if you are closer to her than him is the option I would do... Most parents and any civilized parents will understand that their child is the same as they have always been regardless how they may appear or what path they take in life... Life is something that gives us what we have and we dont choose it... I can gurantee you that if you did come out you may look at it and say bloody hell that was easy enough wish id done it a few years before and didnt hide who I was... If your unsure of their views why not ask them what views they would say if someone was to tell them they were gay or maybe speak with a close friend... Female friends can be better than male friends I find as men who are hetrosexual at times seem to think that its time to kick the manly attitude in which really irritates me
Kindest regards
zeon
p.;s we are all here to offer support to yas if ya need it
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Hi musicinclined,
Take all the time you need. Coming out is a very tough thing to do. It was even tough for me, I thought I was going to get rejected. It turned out to be extremely wonderful and well... read my last thread. Anyhow, coming out to my mother was a real hard thing to do. She did not accept it at all and she still insists that I'm heterosexual. You just never know what to expect. I hope you don't stay in the closet permanently. That wouldn't be a great idea at all. Gradually, you will come out to someone. The key is to take all the time you need.
There's a lot of people on this forum that will tell ya better advice. I gave ya the best advice I'm able to provide. We will help you out as best as possible.
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In general I tend to err on the side of caution and suggest that coming out is not always the best thing when you are not yet independent from your parents. If it goes badly it can go very badly, if it goes good, then fantastic.
However, if your parents suspect already they probably won't react too out of line.
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Music, I'd like to say that I think your parents probably already have a clue, especially if they have asked you so often... They are probably seeing that you are struggling with something and they are maybe trying to ease things a bit for you. I daresay they see you a little uptight.
My questions would be:
* What were the circumstances that made them ask?
* Secondly, what type of family have you got?
* Would they be hard on you for religious or other reasons about it?
* Who do you think would take the news the best when you finally find the guts to tell them?
I talked to my mother about this problem when I was 43 or 44 I think, it wasn't an easy step as my family had already had some very sad stories about gay life. But in the end, when the time came to tell her, I sort of copped out and decided that I needed to have this off my chest but couldn't say it otherwise than in a letter.
I suppose this could be your way of wording exactly how you feel and letting them know that
1) you don't want to disappoint them but the evidence is there and clear;
2) you weren't ready to come out with it, when they asked, not being 100% sure what to think of your sexuality;
3) that you will be happy if they can help you sort this one out without judging but that you can understand their concern;
4) that you will understand if they need some time to adjust to this "new you" since it took YOU so long to come to terms with it.
5) You should reassure them that you are being careful and that you will be careful about your life, and that you will endeavour to make them proud and be a happy man. I think that's all parents really care about, once everything is said and done.
6) Tell them that you love them and realise that they love you, hopefully for who you are and not who they'd like you to be. (Feel free to edit this to suit your circumstances ???)
Lastly, I'd suggest that you mention it, if you've been feeling depressed about the whole situation because you were so afraid of disappointing them and how difficult it has been to deal with this on your own.
If your parents are particularly religious and might be trying to get you into reverse therapy, then I'd suggest you not tell them anything... Just wait till you can get out and be on your own studying somewhere or making music with a group or band or orchestra... I mean when you have your own life.
Your sister could be your ally in this, depending on how old she is (is she older?) and how cool she is about gay matters, but again, as has been suggested, it might be better to confide in a friend or some friends first about this, who will not judge you but be support for you once the coming out is done. Most people have found that saying it to one person who doesn't "mind" or "matter" too much (such as a friend, close or not close -- sometimes a relative, aunt or uncle or cousin, grandparent, can be a good bet too, depending on who you get on well with). This is like practising an instrument, you don't want to be out there playing the tune without having had enough practise. Think of it that way.
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Your family already know. Unless you know they are utterly opposed to homosexuality then I say that you should just tell them. You dont have to tell your friends at the same time but I think it would really help you to know that you have support from your family about it.
I'm only out to three family members. If you want to talk about anything, just leave me a message. <3
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Dear Musicinclined,
First, let me tell you how it feels - reading your post: I totally sympathize, as I used to feel exactly like you do and it was painful as hell. It takes me back to some awful times. Please listen and learn - do NOT make the same mistakes I made.
I am 30 years old, and when I was 13-24, I used to think my world would cease to exist the minute someone found out I was gay. That thought consumed me and took control of my very being.
You can imagine my amazement, when NOTHING of the sort happened, when I finally told my family.
I used to be the most miserable creature and for NOTHING. Today I am happy about being gay. In fact, I wouldn't change it, if I could!
My mom took it hard, but she got over it. It got to the point when she was advising me on how to stay together with my boyfriend and not let pride take our love away.
Listen, you precious guy, do NOT torture yourself so much, just let time do its thing, it usually does a great job.
I had become SO confident, when I finally told them, without even flinching. It's YOUR life, and NO ONE has the right to tell you how to live it!
If you want to talk privately and ask me questions - I would be more than happy to help!
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I agree with you about almost everything you said.
About this:
Sil Wrote:The fact they have asked you 3 or 4 times makes me think they be suspicious, and would give them peace of mind just to know
They may be asking him, because they worry, and not because they 'just want to know'. We can't know how they'll react. He has to wait until he is ready to take the plunge.
If he thinks they might not take it so well, he should maybe wait until he is financially independent, because he can never know how they'll decide to deal with it.
He'll know when he's ready, but we can't assume anything about why they have asked him about it 3-4 times.
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OrphanPip Wrote:In general I tend to err on the side of caution and suggest that coming out is not always the best thing when you are not yet independent from your parents. If it goes badly it can go very badly, if it goes good, then fantastic.
However, if your parents suspect already they probably won't react too out of line.
I agree with you about the 'independece' part, but I do not believe that the fact they are suspecting means they won't react too out of line. One has nothing to do with the other, as I see it.
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Most likely never.
