Made bad mistake...really need some advice

[Anonymous]

I’m so ashamed to admit this, but I was out at the bars a couple of months ago, managed to get black-out drunk and wound up having sex with a friend of mine that I've known for years. It was not a really close friend by any means, just one of those guys that you know and see out every now and then (bar friends). He has told me over the years that he finds me attractive and I felt the same about him, but we had never done anything about it. However, the problem here is that I'm currently in a long-term relationship with my partner of 10 years.

I have been beating myself up about this for weeks - actually to the point of being physically ill and I just don't know what to do. I regret it deeply...words cannot accurately describe how much I regret it...but I do take responsibility for my actions. I'm not using being drunk as an excuse. I was the one who decided to drink that night...however, I NEVER would have done anything like this sober. It’s scary because this “blacking-out” when I drink has been happening quite a bit to me lately (I believe it has to do with my anti-depressant medication). It just really scares me because I have no idea what I’m saying or doing sometimes when this happens…I just remember “snippets”. (I do know that we were safe though, as the guy I was with is a huge promoter of safe sex and I do vaguely recall him putting on the condom).

So, the day after this happened, I called and left a voicemail with this guy and asked him to call me back so I could tell him how incredibly wasted I was, that I was sorry that things went as far as they did, that I love my partner and what happened was a really stupid mistake on BOTH of our parts (as he knows I’m in a LTR) and also to ask that he keep the encounter to himself as it would cause a lot of unnecessary damage. He didn’t call me back. Over the next few days I left more voicemails and sent texts with no response. Couple of weeks ago, I happened to see him out and he completely ignored me. I’m concerned now that he may have told others about what happened (as we have several mutual friends), and now it’s not only going to destroy my reputation, but worse – it’s going to get back to my partner 2nd hand…which would be MUCH worse than if I just told him myself. The guy had told me as I was leaving his house that night that I had nothing to worry about and that he would keep everything to himself…but by him completely ignoring me now, I really don’t know what to think.

Part of me wants to tell my partner about what happened, but I'm not sure what good that would do. Sure, it would relieve my guilty conscience, but I think it would hurt him terribly. And why should I do that over a meaningless, drunken encounter that has never happened before in the entire time we have been together (and I will do everything in my power to never let happen again). I am not the cheating type...well, at least that is what I used think. I just feel so awful that I could have done something like this to someone I love so much.

However…I do need to note that our relationship has been pretty bumpy for some time (we haven't had sex for about 2 years now...and not from my lack of trying). My partner is several years older than I and tends to be rather controlling at times. He sort of “rules the roost” and I am expected to comply (not asked, expected). We share a home and a nice life together, but he honestly feels more like a close friend and roommate than a spouse. We still sleep in the same bed, but he never even touches me...which, as you can imagine, makes me feel very unattractive and undesirable. So, I'm sure all of my pent-up sexual frustration combined with large quantities of alcohol and the right person saying the right things at the right time - telling me I am, in fact attractive and desirable - is what led to my drunken sexual encounter.

In the past (before this incident happened) I have tried several times to talk to my partner about how incredibly frustrating and sad the lack of not only sex, but just plain intimacy and closeness makes me feel and he always says "I know, you're right...we need to work on it", but then nothing ever happens. For awhile, he said his reason for not wanting to be sexual with me was because he thought I needed to lose weight as he isn’t attracted to overweight people (which I am not, just for the record…I’m not a ‘twink’ by any means, but certainly not overweight) But, I went ahead and lost about 20 lbs anyway and STILL no response from him. When I try to initiate something and he says he's tired...maybe some other night, but then he never initiates anything with me...not even cuddling (and I am a touchy, physical contact kinda guy...so, this just confuses and saddens me.) I’m just so tired of asking myself “what is wrong with me?”.

Now, please know that I'm not trying to excuse myself for my one-night stand by saying all of this about our relationship. I'm just trying to give some insight as to what may have contributed to the cause of it. And truth be told, before this happened (because of the lack of intimacy as well as other issues) I had been toying with the idea of ending the relationship and starting over on my own (we actually did separate for about a month awhile back)…but then I think how sad and alone I would be. I would miss my life with him terribly.

Sorry for the super long post… I just feel like I'm in a no-win situation. I don’t know what to do and I really have no one to turn to. If you would be so kind as to give me your thoughts on my situation, I would be very grateful.

Thank you.

[East]

Are you positive that it was a black out and not a drug that causes you to black out (date rape drug?)...they used to be called roofies. It is VERY COMMON and hardly ever discussed when it happens to men and it happens to gay men alot.

[marshlander]

What a horrible burden to be carrying around for these past few weeks. :frown:

While infidelity may not be attractive, panic is even less so; specially when your one-night-stand has to deal with your crazy stalker routine. I don't know whether I'd be scared or hugely irritated!

You are where you are and what you have done has consequences. Hopefully they won't affect your relationship badly, but your actions are clearly having a devastating effect on you. Your partner is bound to be aware that something has changed and he will be wondering what's going on; probably putting two and two together to make who knows what number!

If there is a likelihood he is going to hear the news anyway, isn't it better that it comes directly from you, rather than the Chinese Whispered version of the gossip circuit? I don't know if it would help, but to warn him that something has happened that he is probably going to hear about and you wanted him to hear about it from you might be one approach you could consider?

I think the conversation about your lack of sex over the past couple of years might be better happening at another time. Explain the situation as you did to us. He may well be hurt and you may have to spend a bit of time in the dog house, but the damage needn't be irreparable if you can both be grown up about it. It sounds like you can cope with that, so let's hope that he can too. We all make mistakes of one sort or another. Of course this strategy is risky because who knows what his lack of attention to you is about? If you haven't talked about it there is always the possibility that he could be making his own sexual arrangements anyway. The worst case might be that that he was waiting for you to make a slip so that he has an excuse to do something he has wanted for a while, but hasn't found the courage or the language to deal with. However, a better outcome might be that your honesty makes him come to his senses and realise what a lovely partner he has and that he should really work harder to keep him happy.

Whatever you decide, this guilt you feel and the consequent shame will do neither of you any good in the longer term.

Very best wishes to you both.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Do you love him?

The state your relationship with him is in does not excuse what you did with that other guy. But it is all connected. Try and talk to your partenr once again, but put things more serioudly. Tell him that you are hurting and that you don't know what to do.
Do you want to stay with him? because maybe there is a chance you will be better off without him, if things don't work out. But you definitely need to make sure first that...you tell him how you feel, and you tell him everything (well, you probably should leaave out the one night thing)...Make him show some concern, make him show you that he cares. Or just go and ask him straight out if he cares about you and loves you and stuff...

Good luck.

[Jfierce]

Sounds like you also need to make some uplifting new friends who you can hang out with and take some of the pressure off. You also deserve to be sexually satisfied in your relationship. If your partner is not taking care of you in that area he has himself to blame if you stray. Does he really expect you to remain faithful? Is that a reasonable expectation? What happened may just the spark you guys need to get back on track. And if you stay in this relationship and nothing changes sexually between you it will likely happen again.

My recommendation is to be up front with him and tell him what happened. Tell him your sorry and you don't expect it to occur again. Wait for a few days or a week and see what the fall out is. After the tension is over and if you want to continue the relationship insist that you guys get some relationship counselling. There is a reason he's asexual and you guys need to get to the bottom of it or else it's not fair to you.

[Kronis]

Ive actually been in a similar situation only more Bite sized. I was with this guy for almost 2 years. To be honest the short story to how I ended up with him includes the phrases "teenage rebellion" and "only remotely gay guy who understood my lingo". Dumb reason to go out with someone I know.
So we slowly began to grow closer to someone for about a year untill sooner or later I started going out with him as his bf. It wasnt untill the promise of sex and romance was expected out of the situation that I even noticed it was missing. Often I would wake up at his place in the morning after a night of boring movies and crappy food to find that he would rather wait untill the morning and masturbate then have any sexual encounter with me. I tried everything and he refused to even sit next to me. I brought it up with him and he gave me the "ill work on it" shpeal.
Push came to shove and I saw him at the Anime conventions we frequently attended, cuddling with some 14 year old girl he had just met and pushing me out of the occasion completely for the whole 3 days we were there. In fact durring the closing ceremonies of the event when I tried to sit next to him she litterally pushed me out of the way. so I left and went out side for a cigarette where My friend Eric (whom I had bad blood between upon wanting to date this bafoon in the first place) told me my bf was making out with her. After the Con I found out she lived RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM HIM AND SHE WAS ALWAYS AT HIS HOUSE.
So I did what I always do. I went to my underage Asian straight friends house to rant and drink some hard lemonade. (I was 19 and he was 17) I always thought he was out right gorgeous and the carefree way he was around me turnned me on like a lightbulb. He would do sillie things like sleep in the same bed as me when he was over my place or he would take his shirt off or allow me to rub sun screen on him at the beach. Hell once he had me check his crotch area for a rash after sleeping with his new gf. So I had gone to his place and started drinking. He went and took a shower while I watched desperate housewives on his TV out of sheer boredom.
Thats when I heard him call my name from his cracked open bathroom door. His exact words if I remember (I WAS drunk afterall) were:
him: "hey you think Im hot right.....cuz you gay and stuff"
me: "Um yes dude. dont worry your a hot guy haha"
Him "..............i cant cum in here......i have a raging boner"
Me: "so?"
him:".........wanna have buttsex?"

two hours later I did the walk of shame back over to my house with my cell phone ringing off the hook.

So as ashamed as I was I tried to justify it in my head that my bf cheated on me first. I tried to tell myself that He would want to know. So I told him. He didnt say much. He didnt get mad or angry. He merely asked "how was it?" HE DIDNT EVEN CARE. not saying that I was releived because I got out of it. But I was pissed that he felt NOTHING when I cheated on him.
a month later me and my lesbian friend went to his place for new years and that night while trying to sleep I saw him fucking HER Right next to me. She wasnt even willing. She kept saying she didnt want to. She wasnt pissed or crying but she just wasnt in the mood for sex aperently. So I wasnt mad at her. It wasnt her idea. So I threw him off of her and screamed like ive never screamed before. "why not?" he said "I let YOU do it. Dont ruin this for me."

See I let it end badly. I told him like I know I should have but My mistake was not recognizing a dead relationship. I wouldve been better offgoing out with my straight friend because At least I got sex out of it. I allowed him to be controling anddenying and it landed me in his living room watching him try to bone my best friend. I stayed with him for 2 more months after that because I was afraid to be alone. But I sucked it up and told him to go fuck himself. Im much better off now then I thought I would be. Hell now im flirting with a local guy who wears a lip ring and loves a good time. Its scary but as cliched as it sounds it really is like ripping off a bandaide.

Dont let your BF rule the roost or he might just put himself under the impression that youll always be his bitch no matter what he does. Its hard living with that secret but if you come right out and tell him in a calm manner without resorting to screaming matches then you can really know for sure what he really wants from you. If you tell your partner make sure he knows that you did it because of the problems that the two of you have. Make sure he knows you DO love him but you want more of him then your getting. If he hates you for it hes not worth it. That is HIM saying "No You Are Mine". If he is hurt by it then maybe theres still hope for you guys. Maybe you CAN work this out.
I hope for your sake however that you never get the response I did. Nothing hurts more then knowing he just doesnt care.

Do what you feel is right.

[zeon]

Best thing you can do is continue life as ordinary life was before you had this encounter... When you see him out in town or whatever still say hello and that as you pass his probably as uncomfortable as you are so show him that everything is cool by continuing on as nothing happenned... If it does come out in the wash just be honest then and face the consqieuences... Its never nice but being honest gets alot more respect than denying it.. Explain you were a little bit too drunk beyond your control and you havent got that bad since it happenned... So work on not getting too drunk to allow that to happen again just to show if it does come out in the wash

[azulai]

*no sex in 2 years? Not even a bj?
*he rules the roost and is controlling? And you stay?
*he told you to lose weight? And you did. He has you well trained.
*you are on anti-depressants? I’m not surprised. You are not happy.

I don't mean to sound rude, but I have to be honest. Look, you say you thought about ending things but didn't because among other things, you would be alone. Well, I hate to break it to you, but you are already alone and in an unhealthy situation, and may likely be why you are on anti-depressants.

If he is “controlling,” he is not a partner. A partner is an equal. A partner seeks compromise. A partner seeks what is best for you and is concerned about your feelings, your health, your happiness and your growth.

In my naiveté, I think if he loved you, he would have said, 'honey, we need to work out/exercise more' and support you when you gained weight. Telling you that you are fat and not attractive to him, is mean and self-centered on his part. He doesn't sound concerned about your health, just how you appear in his eyes. This all sounds like ease and convenience. None of it sounds like a dynamic loving relationship anymore. It's not a static supportive one either.

I would never excuse cheating but I think you are most likely going to do it again no matter how much self-flagellation you do this time. Why? Because, if you are drinking yourself until you are "black-out drunk," you know there is a problem and you are trying to numb it rather than deal with it. I think you need to break up with your “partner” and work on your self-esteem which he has beaten down over the course of 10 years.

Geez, you called the hook-up guy how many times??? If you've kind of known him for years, then you must be aware of his reputation and whether or not he talks. You say: “he's told me over the years that he finds me attractive.” WELL? Maybe the guy likes you and seized an opportunity. Being told how many times (???) by you that the hook-up was because you were “blackout drunk" is not a compliment. Maybe he was hoping you would wake up and notice him? Then again, maybe it was nothing more than a hook-up and he's surprised by your freak out.

You know, a relationship should have some fun, support and yeah, sex. I don't think your needs are being met. If you stay with your partner, you should be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may. You both need couple-counseling because what you have described does not sound like a healthy relationship of give and take to me.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean/harsh, just offering you another pair of eyes.

I truly hope you break free and fly though.

[East]

Very good advice azulai!

[cry0s]

I third azulai's advice.

On a side note, the weight comment was driven by some other factor and used as an excuse for something different.

You deserve to be happy.