Morning mourning

[fredv3b]

My condolences to you both.

[East]

I am so sorry for your loss Derek.

[ninja]

im sorry to hear about your loss, my condolences xxxx

[James]

My friends, I remember when I lost my parents, never a easy time, Huge hugs to you both, take time to remember, laugh and cry, peace to you both, Jim

[Genersis]

:frown:
I'm sorry to hear of this terrible news.

I wish you both the best in this time of mourning.

(Another hug,for....well...because i want to give a second one. xxx)

[fenris]

My friends, I remember when I lost my parents, never a easy time, Huge hugs to you both, take time to remember, laugh and cry, peace to you both, Jim

James advice is so true... never forget to laugh in all these sadness and mourning, remember on funny things, good converstions, silent moments.... it helps a lot.

[VonSteuben]

Instead of saying, "I'm sorry to hear that" which infers I'm sorry you told me, I will say sorry that happened and I sent my condolences.

[Bookworm]

Sad news, my thoughts are with you both, sending virtual hugs your way.

[azulai]

My sincere condolences to you, your families and loved ones, marshlander and princealbert.

I'm glad you have each other for love and support.
Sending you both positive energy and love.

[marshlander]

Thank you everyone for your very kind wishes. Sorry I haven’t been on here much recently, but life has turned a bit chaotic.

My father had been ill for a while and was taken into hospital for some tests on the 1st March. He was sent home three weeks later with a cancer diagnosis and with no other course of treatment than palliative care. I’m not cut out to be a nurse, but did the best I could with the assistance of the district nurse and other representatives of our health service. We were told at the time that he probably had a few months to live. Sadly it turned out to be a lot less than that. He deteriorated very quickly during his final week. I sat with him during his last night. By this time his breathing was difficult and he was only occasionally coherent. He seemed to take some comfort from me holding his hand all night; it helped me anyway and I was able to tell him I loved him. Although that last night was difficult he eventually died peacefully in bed at home with loved ones nearby.

My brother from America was here at the time although he’s gone back now. That leaves my other brother and me to pick up what needs to be done. Now I have to clear Dad’s house, which has also been my home for the past eight years. Once the house has been sold I have no idea where I’ll live. There won’t be enough for me to buy somewhere outright and I don’t earn enough to pay the sort of rents required in this part of the world. I’m a great believer in not acting in haste if the way forward is unclear. In that way I am quite different from my father. It will be interesting to see how the future unravels.

People can be very surprising and a time like this is one of the times when one often discovers just how surprising they can be. I am the eldest of three brothers, but my brother in England has taken on the burden of the paperwork. I had no idea he was so clever; shame on me. I also had no idea of the depth of his antipathy towards our father, but in spite of his feelings he has turned up trumps. I also had no idea that my “American” brother could be so callous and unbending. Just over a year ago my father renounced the Mormon religion whose rules he had tried to live for the past fifty years. Rather than affording Dad the dignity of being able to come to his own conclusions on his spiritual and intellectual journey my youngest brother has caricatured this decision as a misplaced anger with God over some unanswered prayers and has demanded that Dad be buried in “temple clothing”. Naturally I feel this is disrespectful. He also felt he needed to tell me that he thought it inappropriate that my partner attend the funeral and, incredibly, that he had gone out on the street campaigning for a yes vote on Proposition 8 in California! I’m rather glad I have too many other things to do at the moment.

For some reason my father opted to have a funeral service in the local LDS chapel. He said that’s what he knew, where he still had friends and follows what happened with my mother nine years ago. However, this also involves a whole bunch of people and actions over which I shall end up having little influence. A few days ago I had an extraordinary encounter with a Mormon I have known since I was nine years old. He had interpreted Dad’s politeness as doubts about his newly acquired independent thinking and this man had the gall to say that my mother was probably giving Dad an ear-bashing in the afterlife over his failure to “keep the faith”. I found that deeply insensitive and offensive since I have been content to think that he is at last at peace and free from the guilt and conflict that plagued him all his life. Like my brother, this man cannot conceive of a rational view of life and its processes. For them life has to be simple and all answers are to be found in their books of scripture, the words of their “living prophets” or though the feelings that come after praying. I sometimes envy that simplicity of approach, but life for me has always been a lot less clear.

My father was, on balance a “good man”. Like any of us he was not without faults, but he always went out of his way to help others. I am pretty sure he would have been a good man with or without religion. He loved my mother without question and mourned her passing every day after she died. Now I miss him. I didn’t always appreciate his wisdom. This week my son got into trouble. I met him at the police station and used one word I immediately wished I hadn’t said. Thinking about why I was so upset with myself I realised with some shock that my father had never said anything like that to me. I am now the oldest in our direct family line. I have some big shoes to fill.