I don't want to be what you want me to be, MOM

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I'm just literally going to fucking kill my mother. It's like, through all those years my father was the object of my hate, but now my mother comes into the picture as well.

As you all kno, I don't feel comfortable at all in my body, I want to be a boy and although I know even a partial transformation cannot happen at this age, I am trying to work at least on some things. For example, I wanted to cut my hair short.

I hate going to the beach. Makes me feel toooootally uncomfortable about my body. If I didnt have fucking boobs and I had a dick, Id be damn proud to stand there in all my glory, but nooo, thank you dear God for giving me NOTHING to be proud of.
But NOW my parents are taking me with them on sea vacation again. TWO FUCKING WEEKS OF MY SUMMER BREAK!!!! : @: @: @: I dont want to be with them I DONT I FUCKING DONT ;[
They only burden me with their convos about nothing else but politics and money and business and when they start talking about something else, it's pure bullshit and I totally disagree. but if I try to voice my opinion which is like, totally different, they turn all adult on me and say Ihave so much more to see.

I tried telling her how I really feel about my father and stuff but she just attacked me about it, like, she was attacking me because I had those feelings.

I think they are homophobic, both of them. I really cant wait to move out. But Ive got THREE more years. HOW HOW HOW I am I going to live through this?! I know many people have had it much worse than me and that I CAN last, but I dont want to!!! @
I had to buy a new swimsuit, so I went with my mother. I picked out one, tried it on, it fit and I was like to myself "Whatever, I dont like it, I have to wear it anyways so...whatever" but my mom nooooo, try other ones too and im like FUCK THIIIIS L@ ;[

She has been on my computer today, going through my history and stuff. She saw I read stories @ Nifty. I cant say anything to her though because it will only break out a bigger conflict and will lead to so many problems I dont even want to think about it. I put a password on my pc now. Why cant they fucking be more accepting?
At dinner, just fifteen minutes ago in fromnt of my fucking father she asked me "What are those things in english, the text you read ?" I quickly replied that it is stories for my English class and other stories too. She probably didn't believe me, but
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY THE FUCK isn't she more accepting? I DONT EVEN LOOK AT PORN FFS, its just stories

How Am I going to live through this? ;;;[[[[[[[[ it upsets me SO MUCH I JUST... ;[ My counselor says I should talk to them, tell them what I feel, but HOW? I feel so totally scared because she rejects everything I want to be and everything I say. She wants me to be the smart girl that does nothing but study and get straight A's. I just... ;[

I dont even feel that pissed now. I am just fucking depressed. If I could only get a job, earn enough money...then I'd maybe be able to pay and live in the dorm. I know it's a totally ridiculous idea, but... :X ; [

Sometimes I just feel sooooo EXHAUSTED. Like, I have these moments when I feel both physically and emotionally exhausted. I'd just lean on something for a few seconds because it's like the world becomes gray and starts spinning and stuff.


........rant....

[Beaux]

I grew up in an ultra conservative family, in an ultra conservative town, in an ultra conservative time. When I was your age personal computers were unheard of and I thought I was the only gay person in like the whole world. I was so unhappy. I tried desperately not to be gay. I even married and had a kid. Then the world changed virtually overnight. Suddenly it was ok to be gay. Suddenly there were millions of us.

I know that your frustrated and unhappy. I dont blame you one little bit. It isnt easy to have your sense of identity disreguarded. It makes you feel invalid. Three years sounds like a long time, I know, but it will pass faster than you can imagin. My best adivce is to continue to use your pc as a form of social outlet so you can maintain your identity and continue to presue school activities. Good grades will give you more options for when you finally are able to be out on your own.

Good luck. Stay sane.
xo xo
Beaux

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Thank you, Beaux! <3 I am afraid that three years is actually going to be a very long time. Judging by the a single year passed. I thank you very much for you support, nonetheless!

[OrphanPip]

It's a tough position, sometimes talking to parents is the way to go. However, you're only 15 and there's no real way out if things go badly for you. You also have normal teenage problems, parental pressure doesn't change no matter what you are. Sucks, you'll get through it though, there's a whole lot of living for you to do.

[SrChulo]

Just try to enjoy your childhood while you still have one. Spend more time with your friends. Stop dwelling about the present because soon enough you'll be free to do whatever you want. You can't live alone at 15, an you shouldn't be able to. Youre a kid. Just keep things cool with your parents if you can... They love you, they just dont know what's going on. In a way it's not fair to blame them if you haven't told them what's on your mind. I'm not saying right now is the time to spill the beans, but try to understand what they think... Then give them time to understand u when u eventually tell them.

Take some time to chill out alone at the beach. Or meet some people. Hell, I wish I could have gone to the beach for TWO weeks during the summer.

[posterpicture]

Can't agree more with SrChulo.
Well, I have seen kids struggling much more than you do in their childhood. I don't say that yours is wonderful but it 's defiantly not as bad as you thought.
Just enjoy it while it lasts. As someone who is living all by myself and can only see family one in every 2 years, I honestly miss my childhood and family dinner even though I had like tons of arguments with my parents every week.
I am turning 20 in the next 2 months. Strangely, when I was your age, I wished I could be an adult to do whatever I want. Now, I just want to be back to 15 so I don't have to worry about money, career, relationship, ...
All I wish now is to take have 2 weeks break from normal life and if I have that 2 weeks, I will spend all of them for my family.

Side note: my family is super conservative, my mom did go through my stuff, found some gay porn. Yay.

[marshlander]

One of the highlights of my teenage years was seeing The Doors perform live and hearing the gorgeously sexy Jim Morrison scream, "We want the world and we want it now!" It's what we want at that age! That's normal and healthy.

I can't tell you how to feel or how to respond. I would have loved my parents to have engaged in political discussion, but they did not seem interested or particularly aware, even though they had both lived through a terrible war. Your parents should not expect to have it both ways though. They cannot discuss politics and other issues at meal times and not expect you to have opinions. If you had nothing to contribute it would be their failure more than yours.

You are intelligent, sparky and you care about other people. Your command of a foreign language allows you to write in clearer English than many native speakers. Your parents must be very proud of you even though at times they can't show their feelings in a way that makes you feel validated. It's a pity that sometimes we find it hardest to communicate with those we love the most.

It may seem like nature has played a cruel trick on you, but nature has no consciousness. These things just happen. It just happens to be the case that it has happened to you. In the meantime keep talking to your therapist, try to keep the lines of communication open with your parents - you never know how and when you might one day need them. Above all please keep writing to us. You are a valued member of this community and many of us love you for the person you are.

I wish you strength to see the next few years through ... and yes, I realise that sounds like I've just condemned you to a life sentence

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Here we go again. Again everything's my fault, Im not doing anything right. Its my fault that I dont talk to them about anything - well, how can I, everytime I start telling them about something Im being either reprimanded cause they see it as wrong or they outsmart me in some way. Well......... Im never good enough. They are talking in the kitchen right now, and my mom makes sure she s loud enough for me to hear her. She said that my father dpesn't see it but Ive started to dress like a boy, I dont wear earings and that is turning into a problem. I guess I wont be telling them Im going to the Gay Pride.

My mom says Im too nervous and shouting and Im being rude which I sooo not true, I avoid that at all costs because I know that they will start going off on me. so WTF

I will reply to each one of your responses, thank you for them!

[Jfierce]

I'm sorry to hear about your tough situation. Does your school have counselors you can talk to? The best thing you can do is find an uplifting friend you can talk to when things get rough at home. You are not going to change and your parents aren't likely to change either. Best thing you can do is figure out how to find some common ground and hang in there until you are old enough to be out on your own.

No it's not your fault but there are things that you can do to make it easier for you. You know your parents and what they expect from you. Try to be respectful and maybe they'll meet you halfway.

[toomuch45]

im very sorry that your parents wants you to be what you want to be i just want to say this continue to be who you are and dont let your parents brainwash you cause once that happens then they win and you dont want to let them win you can do it i know you can if you dont like those clothes then dont wear them if they buy you those clothes so you can wear them dont wear them you are slipknotrizz and you are your own person and NO ONE NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS CAN CHANGE YOU OF WHO YOU ARE.