Conflicted...

[Anonymous]

I've been with my partner for 14 years. We love each other, but we haven't been with each other sexually for about the last 2 years. This has been extremely frustrating to me, and I have talked to him about it several times. Every time I bring it up, he says "I know, we need to work on it", but then nothing ever happens. And it's not just sex, there's no intimacy or closeness...not even any cuddling. This, as I'm sure you can imagine, has left me feeling undesirable and very depressed.

So - a few weeks ago, I got to chatting with a friend of mine that I've known for years (that I've always kind of been attracted to) and I find out that he has had a thing for ME for years! A couple of drinks, compliments and flirty comments later, I find myself making out with him! I'm not proud of this, but oddly, I'm really not that ashamed about it either. For the first time in years, I felt like somebody thought I was attractive and desirable...and it really made me feel like a million bucks! So sue me for enjoying that!

Well, I'm sure you can see where this is going....what do I do now?? I do love my partner very much and truly do want things to work out. We have a lovely home, adorable dog (who I love so much and can't imagine living without) and an overall nice life together (with the one obvious exception). I don't want to break up with him, but I don't want things to continue like they have been. I don't want to cheat on him either. One thought I had was maybe making the suggestion to try an open relationship in hopes that maybe him seeing me (or even just KNOWING that I am) with other guys and would make him "snap to" so to speak and realize that I am attractive and may renew his desire for me. At the very least, we still could continue our life together and be able to explore other "options"...because, obviously, he is not satisfied with me in that dept…maybe it would be good for him too…but, I do realize this is risky territory in a lot of ways.

The other issue is, I'm really starting to like this other guy quite a bit. He's fun and attractive, very grounded, has a fabulous sense of humor and most importantly, makes me feel good about myself. I would hate it if things to get too deep emotionally and then manage to work everything out with my partner and wind up breaking this sweet guys heart. We got together again last night because I wanted to tell him that we couldn't continue down this path we are starting on and that we should just be friends. Well, we talked about everything in detail...he knows full well that I am in an LTR and that he is going into this (whatever "this" is) with eyes wide open. We spent hours chatting and....wound up making out again! I know, I know...however, this time...things got a little more *ahem* intense....(no actual sex, but pretty darn close). Let's just say that things went WAY too far, and leave it at that.

So now today, of course I am racked with guilt. I know I have to make some decisions and soon before things get any worse. But, I don’t know if I should be honest with my partner and tell him that I was with this other guy and explain to him how/why it happened, then face the consequences? Or, should I just keep it to myself, put a stop to this budding romance, and try to work things out with my partner? I'm just so confused....any thoughts on this situation would be most appreciated. Thanks!

[marshlander]

So, you slipped up (twice, but who's counting :redface: ). Whatever else, this seems to have been a wake-up call for you. Fourteen years is a lot of history to throw away (two seven-year itches-worth) and I'm wondering what is the bigger worry, the lack of affection from your partner or the risk of impending change?

It seems odd that as well as turning off the sex your partner has also turned off the other intimacies. None of us is an island, or so we're told, so are you sure he's not already making other arrangements?

Clearly you both need to talk this through, but you may decide to spare him some of the ghastlier details. Honesty is good, but unbridled honesty is over-rated. It is not good enough for him to switch off the attention and offer no explanation or compensation.

A relationship needs regular nourishment and this one sounds like its starving to death.

Best wishes to you both and here's a



to be going on with .

[zeon]

Hello there,
I am sorry to hear that the emotion within your relationship has sort of died off... Can or may I ask if he is under stress whether it be at work or home or just in himself??? I know stress can cause loss of sexual pleasure and i would recommend maybe sitting him down on a one to one basis and talk to him about the problems you've been having with regards to sex.. Dont mention the fella that you have had a slight fling with because lets face it.... 14 years is a long time to throw away and a one night stand is just... Sex.. Sex comes sex goes which is nothing worth worrying over.. I dont worry over it to be honest...
Another factor is if the relationship was to end on a sad note why not live together as friends and continue on as though you were still lovers??? I do this in my current situation and you havent lost each other however you would need to consider some house ground rules such as... No shags allowed home at any time... Or if shags are allowed then No shagging on the bed you two share purely because that is a very sacred place... Or it is for me I dont allow my own family to sleep or sit on my bed purely because its my territory and im very very very funny with regards to my domain..
You stated that you liked the guy... Dont allow it to develop any further than friendship purely because if you end your current one its going to take another 14 years to get what you already hacve now and say you and him dont work out and your fella you got at the moment met some other guy??? You'd end up feeling lost inside as you wouldnt be able to just go back...

Kindest regards

zeon x

[jbrowder24]

Would your partner benefit from seeing a doctor to increase his desire? I think you should talk to him about being dissatisfied about your sex life and that you've been thinking about different possibilities, from pills to open relationships, and indeed see how he reacts. Perhaps it'll make a difference in seeing if he still doesn't care much, if he understands and tries to be better, or if he overreacts. But do talk to him sooner than later, for the sake of the other guy.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much...what has been said definitely makes sense.

Everything just so confusing to me...I want things to be like they once were with my partner so badly, however, I fear they may never be again. If I tell him what happened with this other guy, he could throw me out and end everything, just like that. If I try to talk to him about the intimacy issues, I have no reason to believe that it won't just fall on deaf ears yet again. I've talked with him about how I feel so many times in the past and it just doesn't seem to make a difference...and I would still have the same problem. I mean, this wonderful attention from someone I've liked for awhile comes out of the blue and I just couldn't ignore it. Right person, right words spoken, right time...I guess the outcome is not that surprising...I just don't know what to do about it now!

I will admit that the thought of ending things would cause a total upheaval of my life and that positively terrifies me. I met my partner when I was still in college...I moved from home with my family, to the dorms, then to his house and have been there ever since. Basically, I've never lived alone and I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that. I've never been one to be easily scared of something, but the thought of this just makes me feel sick to my stomach. Plus, I would never get to see my dog again (which would be devastating) and would most likely lose the majority of my friends (who would probably see me as leaving my partner of many years because I cheated on him). I don't know where I would go, how to start over. Financially, I make a good living to support myself, but things would be considerably tighter on a single income.

So now, as if things weren't complicated enough, I've been getting all these texts from the new guy ever since our last "encounter". Just cute, friendly, flirty texts...subtle references to the time we spent together. He keeps asking when will we get to see each other again because he really wants to spend more time with me. I keep telling him he is not making anything any easier on me and he just responds with a " ;-) ".

Ugh...the hard part is...I DO want to spend more time with this guy, but I think that will just confuse things even more....plus, my partner will definitely become suspicious (he's already asking who I'm getting all these texts from). I think the only fair thing to do is to put the brakes on whatever has started with this other guy until I can figure out what I want. I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to add to my already mounting guilt. I'm just afraid if things do end with my partner, I may be losing out on the chance with be with this really great guy. It really feels like a no-win situation...regardless of what decision I make, someone is going to get hurt.

Anyway...I know I have a lot of thinking to do, but I really do appreciate you listening to me vent! :-) Thank you!! mile:

[marshlander]

It sounds like you are in a tough place. I don't know if coming to a single "right" conclusion is even possible. Were it so, you'd have made it by now. I guess the best you can hope for is to weigh up the possibilities and see which side carries more weight.

Relationships do come to an end, just as relationships last and see out the most turbulent of storms. However, much as he may be avoiding the issue, your partner knows full well that sex within a loving relationship is very affirming and is often the mortar that holds the relationship together. Even if he does not feel he needs sexual relief from you he does not have the right to enforce celibacy upon you. The relationship will founder if he does not take all your needs into consideration.

[Braindead]

why dont you just see a doctor so he can OBSERVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU with your head,shoulders,knees, and toes and anything that's going on with your minddddddd
let him fix you up and you should feel much better

[zeon]

Hello,
In life one advice i was often giving people is its cruel to be kind however your trapped in a catch 22 situation... If i put myself into your boots for a moment id consider telling this fling to back off and be as friends... Id explain and be honest with him that your in a relationship already and the one night stand was a little mistake... Of course your heart is going wooo wooo wooo wooo thats because your lusting for him... Id like to remind you lust is not love... If you go with him and have sex again your be more aware of the fact your potentially throwing away everything you want including your dog... I suggest to you should you wish to take onboard this advice that you try to solve things with your partner.... Find out on a heart to heart moment if something is upsetting himn deep inside and explain to him that in life partners are natures little rebounds of cotton to wrap around a loved one so they can be kept safe and warm...
Dont allow his cold shoulder kind of treatment to put you off your stem but dont go to over the top as too much of something can be disasterious... If you got some cash handy take him out on a date... Dont give him the option just go home from work and say right get changed mister because you my little kinky knight and Me are going for a meal and a movie... These are good 1 2 1 interaction moments that can re sparkle moments and may actually benefit your relationship alot better... My previous relationship mainly failed because my ex was in the pub during our repossession moments and we live together as friends but both still love each other... When the moment is right im going to re take him on a date and make it as special as the first day we met.... You may not be able to bring back the moments of the very first date you guys had but you can definately bring back the memories and replay them... 14 years babes is a long time to throw away and dont let this shag force you to do it... You already admitted you wont know what to do and what if it goes tits up??? Could you face the reality of being not only alone but also stranded in a place you may not wish to be with no hope of going back should he choose to not accept you back for betrayal???

Kindest regards and best wishes

Zeon x