Please help!

[sarah123]

My partner and i have been together for 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and are generally happy until it comes to sex. After the birth of our son he started to put a finger up my bum occasionally which at first i didn't mind but wasn't really that turned on by, i never really thought much of it. As the years have gone on more has happened and he has become more and more anally adventurous. He is now at a point were he wants me to finger his bum, we have had full anal sex with me, I didn't enjoy it one bit but let him do it because of his strong desires. He has now told told me that he fantasizes about having a penis up his bum, but doesn't find men attractive. He has told me that the only way he can get sexual pleasure is through some kind of anal penatration. He knows my feelings towards anal sex and that i don't like it but he still persists. I love him with all my heart and hate the fact that i can't please him. I want to know if he is gay and just won't admit it? Our relationship is perfect in every other way, which makes things so difficult, but when it comes to sex it's really not. I can't talk to anyone about this and posting on here is my last option before my head explodes! any advice would be great, thanks

[marshlander]

Poor you! I can see why you may find it difficult to talk.

First of all, a desire for anal penetration is not what makes someone gay. Being gay is having a capacity to love and be loved by someone of the same sex and that is quite different. Many men find they can be very enjoyably stimulated anally and that goes for all sexual orientations. Not only can the feeling of the anal sphincter being stretched feel pleasant, but the prostate (approached via the anus) is very responsive to stimulation. These days more straight men are discovering a secret known only to gays in the past! For obvious reasons I don't see a lot of straight porn, but straight anal sex is commonly featured and since such pornography is more readily available than ever, curiosity is bound to be aroused.

Through adolescence boys play with themselves and discover what gives them pleasure. It could well be that he has already found anal stimulation works for him when masturbating. I have heard of women who enjoy anal sex, but I don't really know why they do. The prostate stimulation is the most important thing for most men who do it. If he rushed you through your previous experience or failed to make sure you were sufficiently lubricated it would have been painful and not at all enjoyable. If he's keen, but not particularly experienced in the pleasures of anal sex he might simply have hurt you through being clumsy.

I understand why someone would be reluctant or squeamish about anal sex, but if you could bring yourself to do it you would make him a very happy bunny. There's no reason why you couldn't use a disposable latex glove if it made you feel safer. Don't forget to use lubrication. If he really wants to use something more penis-shaped there are any number of toys available.

If your relationship is good in every other way, there is no need to let it founder on this one small but important aspect. Best wishes to you both and enjoy yourselves.

[sarah123]

Thankyou for your reply, you have made things slightly clearer for me. I'm surprised you made sense of my ramblings! It seems like the problem with us is me. I think my main problem with all this is the fact that we can't just have normal sex, anal always has to come into it somehow. I am sexually shy myself, problems from my childhood have made me see sec as bad most of the time. What you are saying makes total sense but I just don't think I can bring myself to do any of it. What I have done has repulsed me in all honesty. Thanks for replying, it has made me feel better getting it all out its not really something I can talk about with my friends or family. X

[marshlander]

Glad it helped a little, but it didn't really. You're still faced with the problem. If what your partner is doing is repulsing you no wonder you are seeking answers. You also have a reasonable expectation not to feel violated. I thought that within a relationship sex was supposed to be an expression of love, affection and affirmation as much as the immediate physical pleasure!

This sounds complicated, but as I see it, you can tackle this incompatibility together, with professional advice if necessary; he can surrender his desires for the kind of sex that upsets you or you can give into his desires and not feel good about yourself. Repulsion is a pretty strong response to sex with someone you love! If you feel bad about sex most of the time it sounds like you might benefit from some counselling before or in addition to any advice you seek as a couple.