Relationship...? A little long, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone.

I need some advice, and I would be grateful if anyone could help on any of the issues they think they can.

I have been isolated and lonely the last few years, as I have struggled with my sexuality, but to cut a long story short, I started going to a gay social group last year once a month. Eventually I started talking to this man (who is in his mid 40’s, I am in my mid 20’s.) I found him really interesting, intelligent and attractive, and someone who is very confident and sure of their- selves. After a few months I plucked up the courage to ask him for his number, he accepted, and we met up for a drink outside the group. Then soon after this, when I said I wanted to become good mates he turned round to me and said “that’s ok, but don’t think I wouldn’t want to go any further with you.”

He works full time (me part time,) and we live about 20 miles away, we both live with parent/s who don’t know we are gay. We made plans to meet up again, but he cancelled at the last minute. Then we re-arranged, and he met me again, and I used this an opportunity to tell him I fancied him. He said he thought he’d read the signals right, and liked me too, thinking I was a genuine, mature, nice guy. He sends text messages that are really lovey-dovey (like thinking of you, and kisses etc,) then they randomly stop, and it goes back to “friends / formal” style of communication.

Starting to become really mad on him by now, we arranged to meet again, and he cancelled that the night before also, telling me he’d see me at our group in 11 days after. No explanation ever given? At the group, after a while, we started to lean into each other, and hold hands, and later we cuddled and kissed. Then we had a good talk about some “ground rules…” about cheating, being open an honest, what we were looking for etc, and it started to appear to go well again. He acknowledged it may not be a whirlwind for him, like it would be for me (which I thought was blunt, but I admired his honesty.)

Then the lovey dovey messages started again, with him saying hes glad we met, thinks im special, wants to lie next to me and all this….then he asked whether I wanted to meet up this week. I said yes….but I get a text about 8 hours later saying he’d forgot he was meeting a friend, and now hes not free for another two weeks…..?

He does work full time as I say, and I know he has a busy social life, and does work outside of his job.

We chatted on the phone the other night for an hour, and he was saying he will try and make time for me when he can, and he cant wait to spend the our first night together, and maybe he could try and take me to some of his events with him. The lovey dovey messages have stopped again now, and its gone back to a pure friendship style of texting.

I am a little confused, as I am getting very mixed messages.
He would be my first boyfriend (if it comes off,) and after holding hands and kissing, and then having to wait a month to see him again, I feel it’s a bit cruel, and its like torture. I can not stop thinking about him, and ive resorted to having to hug my pillows at night, wishing it was him lol!!!!
Ive never really been with a guy before, and I know he likes me for who I am. I want to sleep with someone where there is chemistry and respect, but having no where to go is difficult. I am quite mentally, physically and sexually frustrated at the moment.

My main worries are, that I feel stuck, because I don’t feel like I can meet any other people (even for just friendships,) incase he thinks im cheating (yet he still has his social life.)
Perhaps I know that the signals aren’t good here, but I want to hang on and hope, because to me, having someone and being unhappy, is better than being alone (like the situation I have come from – that really scares me, and is dangerous here.)

Maybe I am selling myself short? We live apart, he can never make much time (or always seems to cancel,) yet I am a genuine, loving, emotional guy, I care for him lots, and would do anything for him. Or maybe because he is so busy with his life, another commitment (ie this,) is one too many?

Because I am in my mid twenties, and never had a relationship, there is also an act of urgency for me, as I feel a bit of an idiot. I worry that if I let him go, that id never meet someone who accepted me for who I am, and id regret not giving this the chance.

I just don’t know what to do? I was going to just tick the messages along until our next date, (see if he cancels – if he does, maybe I have the answer?) But have a good talk about some of these fears I have?

What do people think?

Thanks a lot everyone!

[marshlander]

You're not committed to anything yet. I suggest you don't need to put your social life on hold until you decide you want to spend your time otherwise. At the moment he has all the power, because you are letting him have it.

It often takes time to change from a state of being unattached to having a partner. Not everyone can shut off their immediate plans immediately. The transition can take time. Maybe in time this friendship will grow into everything you want it to be. In the meantime you have a life too.

Best wishes.

[azulai]

Questions/clarifications I need:
1- He's 40 and living with his parents? You are absolutely sure he's not married with kids? Sorry, I'm just making sure I understand.
2-Are you looking for a relationship or friends with benefits? I know you said you discussed "ground rules" but I'm not sure my response is geared to the correct thing. I'm sorry if I misread anything.

My thoughts:
I think that's awesome that you joined a social group. I am concerned because you come across as very vulnerable. I don't mean that as a criticism, but as something you need to be conscious of as you take these first steps out. I feel that we really have to know ourselves, look critically at ourselves, and be honest with ourselves. Make sure you have your "clingy-factor" in check.

I do think you are selling yourself short. The feel I get from your writing is "heart/emotional/relationship" kind of guy, so that's what I'm basing my response on, ok?

If this guy is really interested, no matter what is going on in his life, he would make time for you. The hot/cold thing is not a good sign for the future. That tells me he's not invested; he's not thinking of you when you are apart. I hope I am wrong.

If this progresses to sex between the two of you, how are you going to react to the “formal” texts/communication after? He is showing you exactly how he is. If this bothers you now, there is no way you'll be able to handle this emotionally after having sex with him. Your heart is looking for a connection. I don't think he is anywhere near that point. He may be slower to get to where you are, and more cautious, but you need to be truly ok with this fact about him.

I personally couldn't handle the situation you've described. And, this:

Perhaps I know that the signals aren't good here, but I want to hang on and hope, because to me, having someone and being unhappy, is better than being alone (like the situation I have come from – that really scares me, and is dangerous here.)

honestly worries me, especially the bold. I think you need to back off on pursuing this guy and put the focus back on you. You've made such great strides in getting out and joining a group, please don't underestimate your worth. I'm reading what you wrote and I think your gut instinct is right—the signals aren't good. I think you are looking for love and are kidding yourself if you think you can just handle a sexual relationship. You need to be honest about your needs.

I'd be more patient with life's timing, continue to go to your group and chat up other guys!!!! Play a little harder to get with this guy, sure, keep talking to him, but I'd develop a social life, too.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to both of you who replied, espcially you azulai - for such a sensitive response.

Questions/clarifications I need:
1- He's 40 and living with his parents? You are absolutely sure he's not married with kids? Sorry, I'm just making sure I understand.
2-Are you looking for a relationship or friends with benefits? I know you said you discussed "ground rules" but I'm not sure my response is geared to the correct thing. I'm sorry if I misread anything.

1. No hes gay. Very masculine (which is what i find attractive,) but not straight.
2. I am the type of lad whos never had a relationship, but is looking for a faithful, stable, closed, honest relationship


I guess the worry for me is the trap as i say. No one can guarantee that anyone will find me attractive again (this is the first man who has, as its perhaps not for the right reasons?) I am 25 and never had a boyfriend, so dont feel i have "everything going for me." If i told him to forget it, i may miss the chance of love, and never know it again - yet this isnt "love" with how he is treating it anyway?......Its like Lose~~~Lose i feel.

I think its the whole "if id have had a relationship before, there is the evidence, i must be alright." Because ive always been single, i feel there is something wrong with me, and maybe a relationship, however short, would prove me wrong....It hurts like hell when i see couples in the local shops etc, i get really jealous. :confused:

What does anyone else think about this situation?

[zeon]

Hello there,
Sorry to hear about the confusing moments... Dont stress about them and if you live in the UK get away for a weekend and come and visit brighton its very open here and its a place your be able to be yourself and explore your own individuality... Of course go to the group still and when the time is ready why not consider coming out and begin living your life the waty your ment to be

Kindest regards

zeon xx

[azulai]

I guess the worry for me is the trap as i say. No one can guarantee that anyone will find me attractive again (this is the first man who has, as its perhaps not for the right reasons?) I am 25 and never had a boyfriend, so dont feel i have "everything going for me." If i told him to forget it, i may miss the chance of love, and never know it again - yet this isnt "love" with how he is treating it anyway?......Its like Lose~~~Lose i feel.

I hope you don't mind me responding again. I hate seeing you put yourself down so much. Some of us take time to find someone we connect with. Your writing shows someone very self-aware and you do NOT sound like a jerk but a really nice guy.

There is nothing wrong with giving this guy and the situation a shot. Just know the score, play safe and have fun. I really hope it works out for you!

I think its the whole "if id have had a relationship before, there is the evidence, i must be alright." Because ive always been single, i feel there is something wrong with me, and maybe a relationship, however short, would prove me wrong....

I think you are being overly critical of yourself/chances. Maybe this venture would be the best thing for you -- give you some validation you are seeking? Maybe this is a risk you need to take? Go for it!

But, dude, I don't think there is anything wrong with you -- you just lack confidence.

I still think you should meet other guys and please don't stop going to your social group if you start "seeing" this guy. You need to continue what you've been doing and develop your social life, make friends. And, remember, he's not halting his social life. Have things to do, don't just wait for his call. Chat up other guys and maybe ask one of them out for coffee. I just don't think you've been out there long enough to classify yourself as a hopeless case.

Remember: Confidence is attractive. Smiles are attractive. Intelligent conversation can be a turn on too for some of us. When we value ourselves, it shows people that they must value us, and treat us with respect.

It hurts like hell when i see couples in the local shops etc, i get really jealous. :confused:

Although it's normal and human to think this way, try to make a conscious effort to not think that way. Some of those same people you are feeling jealous of may be just as lonely in a couple. People put on a great show for others.

On the other hand, maybe those people you are looking at put themselves out there earlier and took risks. I'm sure they made mistakes, too. Being part of a couple is also hard work. Look, I always think with my heart first and I try so hard to be cautious and use common sense, but honestly, I've have made a fool of myself before -- but I'm really over myself and I laugh at myself A LOT. mile:

And, you know what I have found? When I stopped looking at what others "have" and developed a spirit of gratitude the world changed before my eyes. That is something my dad has always stressed with me and my sisters but it was hard to really live it. But, I do live it now. You have to find your talents and develop them and always give props where due. Walk your own path proudly and leave a positive footprint where ever you walk.

Best wishes. Just reading your "Anonymous" posts, I think you have a wonderful heart. I wish you love and happiness, I really do.