Monogamy

[spotysocks]

From what i ve seen so far monogamy doesnt seem to be very popular. I know couples (gay and straight) that choose to be together but have sex with other people as well. Or couples that sex has died between them and they make an agreement to stay in together for whatever reason but have sex outside their relationship.

I dont know how much you agree with that but would be interesting to know what is you view on this. For what reasons you think people might choose non-monogamy in a relationship; are humans naturally monogamous or this is something that we have adopted as acceptable by religion and society? Can the non-monogamous life style between couples be the new version of relationships and acceptable one; under what conditions if any. And finally what would you choose monogamy or non-monogamy in your relationship?

[futureRD]

monogomy isn't dead, but people are lazy. Relationships aren't easy and require work, and w/ our schedules getting busier and busier, we get lazier and lazier. For me there is never an excuse for cheating or having an open relationship.

I think since man has stepped outside the evolutionary circle, we are no longer capable to claim it is natural to have multiple partners. We have the capabilities for chosing to be faithful or not. It comes down to self control, and sadly w/ each passing generation, there is less and less of self control and self respect.

To me, multiple sexual partners will never be fully accepted due to increased risk of disease. As more people get sick, more people will become advocates for monogomy. Will this end multiple sexual partners? No, but that is there choice. Just because they chose it doesn't mean I have to. To me when a monogomous relationship becomes open, it's just a reason to cheat. I view sleeping w/ other people other than your partner as cheating when you have comitted yourself to that person, regardless of it being open or not. Someone will get left out. Someone will normally become jealous.

Like I told my partner... if you aren't happy with me, break up with me. I don't deserve to be cheated on. If you do cheat on me, you better hide. Because I promise you this, I won't need a jury. (mind you I was raised hunting, camping, and tracking and have an arsenal of weapons at home as well as being a black belt in americanized tae kwon do and specialized in the staff.....)

[ardus]

Personally, I don't think human beings are hardwired for monogamy, I think its a social convention that we have created for ourselves.

[Shadow]

Well I'm 100% sure that Michael will have something to say about this mile:, but my personal view is that the decision on monogamy is one of a number of considerations that should be sorted out by the parties to the relationship very openly, and very early on so as to avoid later mishaps.

It is the nature of relationships that things develop over time - you don't fall in love with somebody the first time you see their smile, no matter how romantic that might seem - love develops FROM such things, but you can't really love somebody until you know them ...

For me and my partner, monogamy is the only option. We both agree that as long as we are together we will be monogamous, and were we to disrespect that, our relationship would be over - we're both totally happy with that.

I do know, however, of many many people that are in open relationships, or relationships where third parties are brought into the relationship and used (essentially) as a way of keeping the sex of the relationship varied - I'm not saying that I don't see the appeal of having massive amounts of sex - I'm just saying that for me it's less of an issue than having my man be 100% true to me.

Therefore I don't look down my nose at open relationships, nor do I endorse them - I just accept that they are a different style of addressing the same basic issue - stability in the relationship (believe it or not).

There are people, for example, who have very high sex drives, but who are in love with people that have very low sex drives. When you get that type of situation it's not uncommon for the partner with the lower sex drive to be quite happy for the other party to get their jollies elsewhere, as it relieves them of the burden of having to perform as regularly as they might otherwise be called upon to ...

I'm very open-minded and liberal regarding these types of issues ... the only one I cannot, however, abide is that where people purport to be in monogamous relationships, yet sleep around behind their partners' backs - that, to my mind, is quite patently unacceptable - whether you're straight, gay or bisexual, it's disrespecting your partner, not to mention putting them at increased risk of all sorts of repercussions that they have no real awareness of, and deserves a reprimand.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

Hee hee.....thou dost know me well!

For those who don't, a little background. I've been with my husband 20 years. We met, he broke up thst same fday with his boyfriend of five years, moved in with me for the rest of his vacation, went back to Germany and 6 weeks later I moved there. Our love for each other grows more each day we are together...we spend ALL of our time woith each other to the exclusion of almost everyone else. 24/7. I would kill or die for him in an instant....(maybe not kill because he wouldn't want me to do such a thing...). It would not be too far fetched to say we are obsessed with each other...but in a good way.

Our sex life has gone through many changes over the years. From complete monogamy, to inviting someone(s) to play with us and on the very rare occasion if one or the other IS away, the odd extra caricular activity can occure, but it's not the norm.

I personaly don't think the human race is a monogamous one. Most mammals are not. Statistically 75+% of men cheat and new polls show woman at a whopping 60+% So the question for the vast majority is not "what if?" but "when?"

Perhaps not in the beginning, or well along, but even the most in love couple find changes in their sexual drives/passion/interests over time. What we think we want in the first five years may change after ten or fifteen..... Everything else in our lives changes, interests, jobs, hobbies, even our relationships with our loved one....to think our sexual interests won't is to just be naive.

So Shadow has it right. Be honest and open and decide together when and how and if things can be made to fit your personal situation. 6+ billion people on the planet and we try to do a one size fits all on the most varied part of our lives, our sexuality.

So whatever works for the indevidual couple is how they should be graded. To call them lazy, or disrespectful or anything for not conforming to our own way of living or thinking is narrow minded. Nor in my opinion is it cheating if we both know about it. I'd rather work out this one particular and keep my best friend, lover and love of my life...for life...than switch every two years because we cannot conform to some social code that only the rarest of saints can manage.

Throwing away a perfectly good relationship over something as inconsequential and meaningless as casual sex would be to me the greatest crime. Now not being honest about it? that's a whole other thread ;-)

[Michael]

Oops,

I wanted to add. This is no new thing. What's new about it is the way people have decided to cope with the issue. In the past people cheated behind each others back. There are reports that close to 1 in 4 children do not belong to the father that is raising them! cheating has been going on since time began and will continue to do so.

What's going on today, especially in gay relationships, is that we are being honest about the situation and comming to terms with it so we can keep our relationships in tact. Chances are this is going to happen in every one of our relationships, so you deal with it once or switch partners every three years. What is hurtful is being lied to and cheated ON. Take out the lies, make some rules, find what fits and you can stay together.

And for those of you who think it could never happen to you....more often than not it's the most adamant "I could never" half of the couple that does it first...... I don't know why, but it almost always happens that way.

Never say never is a bit like abstinance only sex education. Since the chances are very high it will happen, to all of us and by all of us, figure out what you will do before it does so you don't have to pack each others bags.

[Shadow]

I missed you :redface: - you always know just how to put things - you put me to shame !!

... what he said ... :biggrin:.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

Don't sell yourself short babe!

(pretty off topic)

We went to a gay strip club/dance club last night where halft of the strippers are straight. You can tell which are which because the straight strippers never talk to us and go right to the older sugar daddies while the gay ones do. I was explaining that jokingly to one that I was talking to who said...."wait, I'M straight". Sorry charlie. He had a nice one though ;-)

[GayComputerDude]

Personally, I don't think human beings are hardwired for monogamy, I think its a social convention that we have created for ourselves.

I'm gonna agree with this one and confess I believed in the same things - that we're supposed to be monogamous, though with years you realize not only do people cheat, but perhaps you have yourself. The difference is are you cheating as in having another relationship with someone else .. or is it just sex.

Jury is out on this one .. I think in my head if it's just sex, the partner should get over it. If it's another relationship the breakup should happen immediately.

But then as we all know, the heart does not always react rationally!

[spotysocks]

Thats very interesting Michael , thanks for saying these you talk a lot of sense! I didnt know what make of the open relationship thing now i have a better understanding on the matter.

It's sometimes hard to understand a few things . why someone be in a relationship when sex is dead or one part is unhappy if not both parts. I thought it was the mortgage, financial reasons, the kids or because people are getting used to be with each other and afraid of the change or end up single and perhaps lonely too. So they choose to look elsewhere to fill emotional gaps or physical needs and keep their relationship. I wouldnt stay in a relationship for any of these reasons.

What you say about your relationship though sounds very healthy to me! You found the way to make things work and bless you for that.

Anyway, personally I have been in monogamous relationships apart when i am single and dating- makes sense i think. To start a relationship i am looking for someone monogamous as i dont like sharing my love with a 3rd. If a partner says he wants an open relationship when we are together a couple months or a year and a bit more i wouldnt like it; i would break up and move on.
If i found the love of my life like you did and after years we come to a point where we decide to have the occasional fun with other people i would have probably agreed , go with a flow and see how it makes both of us feel.

Something else that can put me in thoughts is the fact that now i am single most people approaching me and vice versa have a bf already. Sometimes when its done nicely i will take it as a compliment but sometimes i believe that they think of me as a toy to enhance their sex life. I dont quite know how to react to this. i.e I ve met a guy saying is cool we can be friends then go for a drink and his hands are allover me. Annoying!!:redface: