I need some advice.

[albabonzai]

I am happy being gay.

However a female friend i have known for many years and is my closest friend is impossible to shift from my mind. We are 'best friends' and i am truly in love with her.............. a bit more in Love with her than friends, as in i am head over heals in love with her. We admitted our love for each other many years ago before i came out. She has a partner now who she cant stand but is 'stuck' with due to other reasons. ( she has a house, dog and joint accounts etc... ) She plans to leave him but keeps asking me for advice and i am trying my best to be mutual, but its hard due to how i feel and the fact that i actually hate the guy as he is such a stuck up aggressive person and he treats her like a slave and speaks to her publicly like she is 5.

I don't know if the feelings are just that i am so close to her and i am mixing them up or am i really in love with a girl?????? Marsh.... i need your advice!

[fredv3b]

I am sure that Marshy will be along soon with his advice, in the meantime here is my tuppence worth. She is a friend of yours, her partner is not, there is no obligation at all on you to be 'even-handed'. If she was no more than a good friend would you be advising her to stick with this guy? If the answer is yes then I think that is what you should do. If the answer is no then I don't think that you need to torture yourself over your exact motives given that she is more than a good friend.

[albabonzai]

I am sure that Marshy will be along soon with his advice, in the meantime here is my tuppence worth. She is a friend of yours, her partner is not, there is no obligation at all on you to be 'even-handed'. If she was no more than a good friend would you be advising her to stick with this guy? If the answer is yes then I think that is what you should do. If the answer is no then I don't think that you need to torture yourself over your exact motives given that she is more than a good friend.

I would tell her to up and leave him even if i did not know them both. So i suppose your right i shouldn't feel guilty about how i feel about her affecting the decision, but what about how i feel!?!?!? is it just that i lover her as a friend? its confusing.

and your 'tuppence worth' is always welcome Fred. Thanks.
x

[peterinmalaga]

Hi Albabonzai
It sounds to me that your reasons for hating the guy are very sound, though it doesn't really matter whether you hate him or not. What matters is how your closest friend feels about him. I agree completely with what Fred says.
Is there another dimension to this, however? Are you also concerned about your own feelings for her? Are you worried that you could get involved in an inappropriate romantic liaison with her? I don't mean that there is anything wrong with your love for her. What I mean is that you may fear that it could lead to a relationship that causes as many problems as it solves. These are questions not comments on your situation. I hope they might help you to explore other possible ramifications of a complex situation.

[marshlander]

You called? I don't know if I can be of any use. Fred and Peter seem to have most things covered. I would agree that you don't owe him any sense of balance, but I assume you have prefaced your advice to your friend with a warning that you may not be able to advise impartially?

A couple of things come to mind ... is there even the remotest possibility that you could be ever such a tiny bit bi? I don't mean to be silly, but it's just a thought ... If we were able to stop labelling ourselves for a moment it might be possible to admit that we fall in love with a person, not whatever sex they happen to be.

The other thought, which probably makes slightly more sense, is that it is quite normal to be very concerned about a friend in trouble to the extent that they do take up a lot of space in our heads. Even gay men can sometimes find it difficult to avoid riding in on a white charger to rescue friends in distress. Just be careful where you both gallop off to after that, ok?

A postscripted third thought ... she's lucky to have a friend who cares about her as much as you do.

[albabonzai]

Thanks, Its all so confusing due to the fact i have just come out to being gay, obviously 25 years of being or sorry 'pretending' or 'trying' to be straight may be the problem. I hate labels, but thats the way society runs... unfortunately. I have always had strong feelings for her since i met her and would undoubtedly endure any torture for her, even if that sees her happy with someone else no matter how hard my heart feels for her. I just find it strange that i really don't find girls attractive, but when it comes to her i just cant control my feelings. I will stick by her as i always have and i will back her up with whatever decision she makes, but i will not hide my feelings when it comes down to it. And i feel i can be mature and 'human' enough not to coerce her into believing something that is not true.

She knows i would walk around the earth and back with her on my shoulders, so i hope she can trust me not to be bias.

Thanks Marsh, Peter and Fred for the advice.

xx

[fredv3b]

but what about how i feel!?!?!? is it just that i lover her as a friend? its confusing.

I've been thinking about that question and the only thought I have come up with is this. Instead of trying to make sense of a confused mixture of feelings perhaps you think about what might realistically come of them, which is as much about her as it is about you. Not really sure if that is helpful but I thought that I would post it anyway.

[curt-88]

I think your feeling mixed emotions here and need to get them oof your chest so you can start sorting them out. First of all and in my own opinion you truly and deeply care for this lady. There i see nothing wrong with this, However she is your best friend and having relations with her could perhaps jeporadise or strengthen the bond you guys have together. I personally would be asking myself is it worht the risk ? Oh and why should you let sexuality define who you are attracted to ? I still date girls but i dont have sexual relations with then anymore. Its not because i want to appear as straight its because i find less sexual pressure and more of a companionship within the hetero relationship. Follow you heart dont let your sexuality lead you astray. Fall in love with the person not the parts that come with it.

[dylan181]

Thanks, Its all so confusing due to the fact i have just come out to being gay, obviously 25 years of being or sorry 'pretending' or 'trying' to be straight may be the problem. I hate labels, but thats the way society runs... unfortunately. I have always had strong feelings for her since i met her and would undoubtedly endure any torture for her, even if that sees her happy with someone else no matter how hard my heart feels for her. I just find it strange that i really don't find girls attractive, but when it comes to her i just cant control my feelings. I will stick by her as i always have and i will back her up with whatever decision she makes, but i will not hide my feelings when it comes down to it. And i feel i can be mature and 'human' enough not to coerce her into believing something that is not true.

She knows i would walk around the earth and back with her on my shoulders, so i hope she can trust me not to be bias.

Thanks Marsh, Peter and Fred for the advice.

xx

Im kind of late, but I know exactly how you feel. About a year after I came out I met this girl. No i wasn't in love with her, but yes I was attracted to her, even sexually, which had never happened to me with a girl. I decided to roll with it, being in highschool and realizing I dont have very many other options at the moment. (im out of the closet to my family and close friends, including this girl but im not out of the closet at school.) We went out for 2 months, and at times it was confusing. Overall I'm definately glad we had our thing. No I'm not Bi, but I dont think anyone is 100% straight or gay.

But the whole "i just figured out that im gay, but now this bitch is confusing the fuck out of me" thing sucks. lol

[albabonzai]

Thanks guys. xxx