Cheated on

[Musiq]

I'm a bit pissed off and a little sad, and i seem to have trouble sleeping. cannot get to sleep no matter how hard i try tonight

I just found out a few hours ago that my boyfriend, Ryan, cheated on me. I honestly have no clue how to handle this. This is the first time i've ever been cheated on.

Me and ryan's relationship was not always long distance. he just recently moved to california a couple of months ago. I just want to know, why he would do that. Why, after him telling me that i'm the only one, the only one who makes his heart beat fast, why he would go and just do it with another guy. I'm just so confused right now. And i actually believed him, when he said that

i don't know whether to forgive him, or ignore him, or just end it all together. A part of me does not want to believe it. I don't understand, why i am able to cry over the death of someone i only talked with a couple of times, someone i barely knew, and yet find i can't seem to cry upon finding this out.

And another thing, me and him have been together for nearly a year, and he had the nerve to bring up my age. I really dont give a fuck if i'm 16, or that he's 18, age is irrelavent.

Please, i just need some advice, at least some insight. idk how to handle this. Should i forgive him, should i dump him, idk.

[RockerBlocks]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. but that's just my opinion.

the only advice i can give you is if your truly love this guy, go for what you want.

[posterpicture]

Oh kid,...

You ask why would he cheats on you while you are the one who makes his heart beat fast? Well, it 's because just making someone 's heart beat fast does not mean that person is totally in love with you. Passion love is a form of love but mature love requires commitment which is a whole new level.

You are all young and yummy good looking guys are all around. Temptation is there especially when you are apart. So what to do with him? Dump him, distance relationship between 2 young gay guys won't work.
Whatever reason he brought up as an excuse for his cheating is not valid. There is nothing wrong with you.
Just forget the jerk, go and grab a new boy.

P.s: you are younger than him lol, clearly, your value is higher. lol

[jimcrackcorn]

If it were 30 years ago, I'd say give him another chance. But,,,, in todays world where STD's (HIV) are a major concern, promiscuity can ruin not only his life, but yours also.

It is possible to love someone and still have a one-night-stand with someone else. He could have gotten drunk and made a mistake,,,, so you need to set down with him and find out why he cheated on you and then decide if it's worth the risk of continuing the relationship.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be pissed off too. I would however, give him a second chance, but he wouldn't be crawling into my bed until I'm sure he's clean & free of STD's.

Good luck and stay safe.

[princealbertofb]

You might like to read the Velvet Rage to understand what impulses bring gay men to cheat on each other... The author says it's rage and deep down self loathing. I don't know if I buy that theory, but it may explain some of the strange behaviour. With so much distance between the two of you now, wouldn't it be simpler to break off the relationship and you try to get over it and find someone new to love? I know it's easier said than done, but you are both young and maybe neither of you really knows what life is going to bring to them as grown-ups.
I second Jim's advice that you've got to make sure he was safe, for your sake. However, I don't think him cheating once means he is promiscuous.... It would take quite a few more lovers or one night stands to call him promiscuous.
The thing is, does he do recreational drugs, or drink? Those two factors might disinhibit him to the extent of making him lose sight of his love for you, even if it's only a passing thing.

[jbrowder24]

I think whether you forgive him as a friend is up to you. You don't need to rush into it. Take your time to heal and let him know you need time to get over the hurt.

The cheating thing though... if it's going to continue to be a long-distance thing... it's probably best to end things relationship wise. Though it might help to know more details. Is he done with school then and why did he move to California? How much longer do you have?

I too was cheated on by someone long distance, and it took time but in the end I did forgive him, but the reasons he cheated were still there and it didn't matter that I'd forgiven him because he was now elsewhere with what he wanted. I often wonder if things would have been different in person but that's not always in our control. You definitely didn't do anything wrong though and if he tries to blame it on your age or anything like that, it's just because he doesn't want to accept how guilty he really is. He's the one that has done wrong here, and you have every right to be mad but to also be confused because of the love you've felt. Still, if it's going to remain long distance, it may be best to start the healing process rather than drag things out. There's plenty of other great guys out there who won't cheat on you.

[princealbertofb]

I hope you are right Jb.... It's easy to say there are plenty of other guys, but sometimes it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. But let's say that setting himself free from the relationship with this older guy (and doing the healing) will eventually make him able to see life through new eyes and with a new goal.

[marshlander]

Very few people have a relationship that lasts into the long term when they are teenagers. Those are the years when we learn about ourselves and other people and we try out different things to see what suits us. If we are lucky we begin to get some answers. Many people do not get this kind of enlightenment until they older.

Princealbertofb and I have been able to sustain an exclusive long distance relationship for many years. I don't know if I could have done the same thing when I was in my teens, I'd like to think so, but I'm not sure. The relationships I had as a teen were not long-distance ones, so were never tested. In the relationship I now enjoy there are a few things that are probably different. Age changes how we respond to sexual urges. I have a lot more self control these days ... I think! PA and I are realistic. We value what we have, but we both recognise that there are temptations and dangers present in a long-distance relationship that may not exist in a more conventional one. A sexual encounter with someone else would probably not be a deal breaker for either of us. We both accept that fidelity is not a demand one person places on another. Fidelity is a gift each of us gives to the other.

Texas to California is a very long way. I wonder if you are able to take a step back and come to an understanding of what might be realistic in the situation in which you now find yourself?

I hope you can feel more at peace soon.

[Crs30]

Oh kid,...

You ask why would he cheats on you while you are the one who makes his heart beat fast? Well, it 's because just making someone 's heart beat fast does not mean that person is totally in love with you. Passion love is a form of love but mature love requires commitment which is a whole new level.

You are all young and yummy good looking guys are all around. Temptation is there especially when you are apart. So what to do with him? Dump him, distance relationship between 2 young gay guys won't work.
Whatever reason he brought up as an excuse for his cheating is not valid. There is nothing wrong with you.
Just forget the jerk, go and grab a new boy.

P.s: you are younger than him lol, clearly, your value is higher. lol

Okay, first off, I have a few points of contention with your post.

First, distance relationships are hard, but they won't fail just based on age. My partner is 23 and I'm a year behind him. We've been together almost 1.5 years now. We've both had quite a bit of temptation and have never cheated.

Second, telling him he is younger and has higher value is extremely rude and misleading. For some people, being younger is a valued trait. I admit, when I was single I wasn't looking for anyone more than ten years old than me. However comma pause for effect, younger people are no more valuable than older people. I have a few older gay friends and so does my partner. Calling him higher value because he is younger is perpetuating the highly superficial "scene" way of thinking.

You do have some good points too, though.

There are types and degrees of love. Go to wikipedia and look up triangular theory of love. It's good stuff. It'll only take a few minutes and it gets into pretty good explanation.

Also, whatever reason he has for cheating isn't valid. There is nothing wrong with you, I agree with poster picture.

Overall I agree, lose the guy.

Something that is vitally important (as in your life), is that you be sexually safe. Std's run rampant among gay men. You are far more likely to catch something if you're a gay male. This is for a few reasons. Since we can't get married in lots of places, or have kids, gay men tend to have shorter or more open relationships, resulting in more sexual partners over time. If you get physical with one guy, in theory, you're getting physical with all of his former sex partners too. So even if this guy is only your first or second sexual partner, he could have had ten or thirty before you over the last few years, meaning you are at an immense risk for getting something. I recommend a condom ALWAYS. If the guy you're about to get in bed with has an issue with that, leave him. He might have something. If he respects you to at least some degree, he'll comply with the condom. He may respect you more for insisting on a condom. Not to turn this into a sexual education class, but still. Use a condom. If you can live with it, use a condom or latex glove if you finger.

[worknlife]

Jbrowder24 gives the best advice if I ever stop in Mason City we totally have to have lunch. I tend to not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I know people that have gone through the same thing and they have never cheated again and on the other hand some couples can not get past that. I for one have never cheated or been cheated on but I know myself and I know that there would be some serious hell to pay. But on the same note you can take the high road and just leave his @$$ where he is and mail all the stuff he gave you back to his job piece by piece. But that is just me and I can be a super bitch (and no I am not a twink). Your young and you will be able to find someone else. Once again this is just my opinion. Your heart and your head are probably at war right now but that’s ok, its normal in times like this. I would use my head. I hope this helps.