Shame after sex

[Anonymous]

It was eons ago when I had sex last :-( . Back then I always ran into the same old problem. I was born into a christian home. The same scenario would play out each and every time I had sex with my sexual partner. I would be all horny and needing to get laid in the worst way. I would have sex with my partner and I would be loving every minute of it. As soon as i would climax and we had done the dead a wave of guilt would wash over me. I felt sick to my stomach due to my upbringing. It certainly put a damper on our activities and became a item of contention later on in our relationship.

I have since came out of the closet and denounced my christian background. In fact I flew into a rage while listening to the song "Its raining Men" and tore my bible to pieces shortly after outing myself. I had alot of pent up anger and hurt towards christianity. I thought I was done with the shame and guilt after that. Fast foward to tonight. I had a really intense masturbatory session with myself based on gay fantasies and gay porn. After wards I felt ashamed and the old guilt I felt way back when came back.

Does this feeling ever go away? Will it get better with time? I may have a opportunity to engage in sex once more soon. I really really hope I dont have to go through feeling ashamed of myself for the rest if my life. Is there any hope?

[princealbertofb]

Yes, I hope so... It's a hard one to shake off though. Have you read the Velvet Rage? I'm thinking this might be good reading for you at the moment; It might help you understand some of the mental mechanisms going at the back of your conscious self... The self loathing is deeply ingrained with the sort of religious background you have... Note that Christians don't all think that being gay is wrong. Maybe you just need to go back to the fundamentals of Christ's teachings which are to love your brother as you love thyself... First of all, you've really got to improve on loving yourself. So what are the things you have to be proud of?

http://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overco...0738210110

[OrphanPip]

It might be worthwhile for you to go to counseling to help you work through your anxiety over sex. There's always hope, and talking with a professional will probably produce the best results.

[princealbertofb]

Oh, and by the way... sex is a natural way of expressing ourselves. So if your kind of sex is same-sex sex, then that's what's natural to you and you should learn to rejoice in being able to express it. After all you're not hurting anyone, are you? Are you haunted by stories of going to hell?

[Marvinteck]

Im the original poster. I have alot of internalized homophobia I havent dealt with yet.

Yes, I hope so... It's a hard one to shake off though. Have you read the Velvet Rage? I'm thinking this might be good reading for you at the moment; It might help you understand some of the mental mechanisms going at the back of your conscious self... The self loathing is deeply ingrained with the sort of religious background you have... Note that Christians don't all think that being gay is wrong. Maybe you just need to go back to the fundamentals of Christ's teachings which are to love your brother as you love thyself... First of all, you've really got to improve on loving yourself. So what are the things you have to be proud of?

http://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overco...0738210110

I ordered a used copy of the book off Amazon. Its worth a shot. Sorta funny that you mention about improving on loving myself. I have to admit myself worth is pretty low. Part of the problem is that I feel like I dont have any thing to be proud of. I rent the place I stay at, drive a beat up old pickup truck, work at a dead end job that barely pays the bills, have very few friends and have never been out on a actual date with a person because I live with untreated social phobia that controls every facet of my life. I believe to love another person you must love yourself first. I do have alot of underlying issues besides a simple case of feeling ashamed after gay sex.

It might be worthwhile for you to go to counseling to help you work through your anxiety over sex. There's always hope, and talking with a professional will probably produce the best results.

I have no doubt I would benefit greatly from professional counseling and meds. Unfortunately that isnt a option due to money constraints.

Oh, and by the way... sex is a natural way of expressing ourselves. So if your kind of sex is same-sex sex, then that's what's natural to you and you should learn to rejoice in being able to express it. After all you're not hurting anyone, are you? Are you haunted by stories of going to hell?

The idea that being Gay is wrong has been ingrained in me from a very young age. I grew up in a small rural farming town. Any thing that went against the norm was quickly condemned and written off as offensive. If you didnt conform to the white christian mold in this town then you were doomed. My mother is a born again christian and my father was emotionally unavailable when I was growing up. I was caught giving my best friend a BJ at a very young age. It felt natural to me. Once my parents found out I got in troubled. It was a very shaming experience because my parents condemned the behavior and my brothers teased me incessantly for awhile after that. Every social cue around me at a young age was against the gay lifestyle so I went with the flow because that was the right thing to do.
Being a naive kid growing up in the late 1980s I had a very narrow perception of what it meant to be a gay man. The YMCA song was still popular. My description of a gay man would of been a flamboyant biker bear that wore assless chaps and had a lisp. Growing up in such a small town my perception about being gay didnt change till much later when i was in my mid 20s. The church we attended was extremely conservative and taught being gay was wrong. I rebeled when I hit my teen years by getting involved with sex and drugs. This post right here explains the rest of my struggle with my sexuality http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=14102

Professional help and meds would more than likely be the best option. I am going to try self help though since I cant afford professional help at the moment. Even though Im out of the closet to my family and friends I catch myself trying to appease the straight people around me.

[KnightShade]

I once worked as a corrections officer in a jail for boys. One night, right before bedtime, one boy came up to me and told me something quite personal. "I am gay," he said.

I looked at him with a blank look on my face and said, "And....?"

"Being gay is bad," he said.

Then I paused and looked at him and said, "Who told you that love was bad?"

He got quiet and I continued, "If God made you then he knows you're gay and he loves you just the way you are. When will you choose to start loving yourself too? And did you know......you are not alone? There are lots of gay guys in this big world."

He smiled a big grin and said, "Thank you"

Most boys are depressed when they go to jail. Not him. He was the happiest young man in a jail I had ever seen.

[azulai]

I don't have any guilt about sex, so I do not have a direct understanding of your issue. But, I have struggled with guilt and come from a very religious background, I thought I'd just share with you a few thoughts. Maybe they will help, maybe not. They are just my thoughts and you may find them worthless.

You may have torn up your Bible, but your psyche still has a need to have criteria to base the “goodness” of your actions because we have been brought up this way. I think the guilt means you are still using those early teachings/internalized values as your moral compass. You need a more relevant compass.

It takes time to unlearn and rebuild. For me, it required a great deal of thought, self-analysis, reading and journaling.

What is your philosophy of life? What is your code of conduct? Personal and professional ethics? You may need to sit down and write out and actually see how you want to conduct your life. You may find that some of those “rules/laws” thrown out with your Bible, are acceptable and and you want them on your list. This may seem silly, but for me journaling helps me process my thoughts. I found I didn't want to throw everything away, but I was free to do the choosing! I read a lot of Tao and Buddhist philosophy, too. For me the ancient Eastern thought is far superior to Judeo-Christian teachings. (In my opinion, Judeo-Christian teachings encourage a peasant mentality fraught with superstition.) Nature is a great teacher, and the ancient Native Americans, again, have so much wisdom for you to explore. Enjoy it. Revel in it. Open yourself up to it.

You may say, look at this stupid kid, trying to tell me I need to list what I feel is right/wrong. I know right from wrong! But, what I'm trying to show you is that your personal list will visually show you that you DO know. It's reaffirms that you are not bad, evil or nasty. You may now be an atheist (IDK, just saying) but you have a personal ethical system that you live by and conduct your life. You are not bad, sinful or going to hell. You may want to question if heaven or hell exist. You are a good person to your core. When the guilt comes back, maybe you need to look at your list and tell yourself, these are the things I believe in. I've done nothing wrong. Read your own words. Believe in the power of your own mind.

So, you have to challenge yourself. You have work to do. Not long ago I pulled out one of my old journaling notebooks and it was fun to read my thoughts, and see how yeah, I got a little more cynical, and my thoughts did evolve. I also saw how very early on I was clinging to my Judaism and trying very hard to keep some things I've since let go.

Since it's the homosexuality that is still at the heart of your guilt, check out this link. List of animals displaying homosexual behavior on wiki. As you read, note that homosexuality is observed in approximately 1500 species and well-documented in approximately 500 of these. Note also that it's not just homosexual sex being observed, it's bonding, it's courtship, it's affection and also parenting. There is nothing unnatural about being gay. We are normal. We're awesome just like we are. There's no need to change a thing! :tongue:

You have to view your body as a system and when you deny a part of it, problems in other areas will manifest themselves. The urge to have sex is normal and it's vital to our body's well-being and our mental well-being. I'm sure you've read all the same articles about the health benefits of sex and masturbation as I have. We need those endorphins! Our expression of sex just happens to be man-on-man. :biggrin:

Here are a few articles if you need a refresher:
Again, Benefits of Sex for Men
Is Sex Necessary?
You won't go blind

But, I do want to also say, sometimes the crap religion has laid on us does require serious counseling, so don't discount that if you can't bring yourself out of it. Funny how religions that are suppose to "save" make some of us so ill, huh?

I wish you the best! Take care.

[gilhooly]

I can't see any sign in your thread that either you or your family ever read the New Testament. In my copy it tells me over and over that Jesus sinned. Jesus ate food didn't he? His Father said Thou shalt not kill. How did all those fish chickens and lambs die. Did they commit suicide? Wasn't Jesus a fisherman. How did he obey God and keep fish alive. We know Jesus was a boy and a man. How did he avoid puberty? Didn't he have wet dreams erections and every other male experience. How do you know Jesus didn't masturbate. Does he talk to you personally and tell you. I have never heard of God or Jesus authorizing you to change the Bible. Jesus got angry when he entered the temple. Since when is anger not a sin? When Jesus was in the garden before crucifixion didn't he accuse His Father of abandoning Him. His Father told Him not to take his name in vain. Didn't jesus do that? Kid, Jesus was a sinner. I know that and you know that. The question is always why do we sin not whether.
Sin has 3 components: grievous matter, sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. When you masturbate you got the last two. Why is masturbation grievous? Did your dick fall off. Mine always feels great when I masturbate. There are approx one trillion male orgasms on this planet every year. What makes your orgasms so special? How did Jesus beome a man or stay a man without having an orgasm or an erection. Do you and other phony christians denounce him and tell Jesus He is in hell for having an orgasm. What gives you the right to judge Jesus when he told you not to make judgments. That includes yourself. If you feel embarrassed about jerking off ask for forgiveness. Why would he deny you. Jesus didn't list your name as an exception to offer of forgiveness.
Your problem is arrogance not sex. You think you are the only gay on planet. Who says. I am gay and don't feel guilty about masturbation or anything else. As a kid I accepted that God made the universe? Did you? I accepted that God made me? By the way He made me gay. Since I don't believe in a stupid God the way born again assholes, I assume God knew what he was doing when he made me gay or horny or anything else. I can't imagine I will force God to make me straight eunuch.
At 65 I am sometimes afraid I don't have an unlimited number of orgasms left. I try to make the best out of every orgasm I still have coming.
You admitted to 2 sins in your thread. Arrogance and rage. Tell God your sorry for both. Then try to be good to yourself. Lie down, look at some porn, and fantasize yourself to the best orgasm you ever had. If God or Jesus were worried they would have told you not to. They never said anything to you or me did they. Unnecessary guilt is a sin of arrogance. Masturbate for pleasure and you will not think of it as a grievous sin.
Try reading the New Testament the way it is supposed to be read. It is a book filled with intelligent advice that can help you get into heaven. Christian holy rollers like to memorize insulting passages which they fling at others when they are pretending to be God.
If someone sounds like they are making judgments for God, ask them for their long form birth certifciate that proves they are God. Stop playing God to yourself. Jerk off and tell God your sorry if it makes you nervous. Get over it. You won't make it to 65 if you try to drag around every sin you will commit. I ask God to forgive almost daily because I have a lousy temper.

[fredv3b]

In reply to the OP you need a man who will hold you tight after sex so you can still feel how natural it is.

In reply to Gilhooly,

In my copy it tells me over and over that Jesus sinned.

Since he was a man (in addition to being devine) he also has our flaws, that does not mean that a sin is not a sin.

Jesus ate food didn't he? His Father said Thou shalt not kill.

I have never before heard that killing in the 7th Commandment included animals. The great majority of Christians agree that it refers only to killing people. A number of translations render it as 'thou shalt do no murder'.

Since when is anger not a sin?

Eph 4:26 'Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath'.

[Paul1]

Yes I understand exactly what you mean. I too used to feel this way. I was brought up Christian, and threw off my Christianity in frustration after my first man-on-man action. Religion was only part of the guilt, but the most of it was shame for not having met other people's expectations (i.e. parents, other Christians, and etc).

I kinda went through a existential crisis and emerged a year later as a Humanist. I think that process made me rethink the validity and importance of people's expectations. At the same time I had surrounded myself with people who were positive about gay sex and got rid of "friends" who couldn't accept it. My mother is flaky on it, but the most recent lesson I've learnt is to live my life for me and stop depending on my mother's advice all the time.

It does get better, give it time and don't worry too much about it.

P.S. I recycled my bible!