Anonymous, your holding back for eight years must be beginning to be a bit long... I know the score, I've done it. My celibacy, though, went on for 18 years, which is far too long. That was my way of remaining sane and yet I knew I wanted more out of life than this constant loneliness.
Don't get me wrong, I am of the type that thinks that it's better to be comfortable alone than badly partnered... and we all know what a pitfall that can be sometimes.
I was lucky enough to meet my current partner online on another (now defunct) gay site, and we got on well enough to become an item. We have been together for eight (going on nine) years, and I've not had one sorry moment.
mile:
However, we don't know your age, nor your situation in life, whether you live in a city (big or small) or the countryside... we don't know your own version of desperate and desperation, so it's not too easy to give advice. What Irina (Slipknotrizz) was saying was that you've got to make a start to the change in life patterns, so initiating something new in your life might be the beginning of something more pleasant for you to live.
Ok, having a life partner is probably the best thing you can get, but we all know that this means dating. What are your possibilities for dating? Are you in a situation (closet, for example) where dating other men is complicated? Tell us what your situation is and we'll see how we can help. Incidentally, I'm just wondering if you live in the UK.... It also helps to know in what sort of cultural background someone lives.
On the positive side, your mind seems to be ready to undertake something new, so it'll be easier.
All the best in your quest for happiness,
PA