Advise Needed w/ "friend"

[jpmay79]

So here is the deal (sorry for the long one - I tried to condense)

I have been seeing this guy I meet for a little over 9 months. We meet had a great time, laughed for hours and got to know each other. We however had sex right off the bat. The relationship kinda trended towards just sex, as we would hang out and have sex.
Then we stopped talking for a while, mainly my fault due to work and such and in the meantime he got a boyfriend (or as he calls it his "BF")
Anyways, fast forward 4 months, we started hanging out again, he came onto me and we started having sex again, this time it was different though. We would do dinner, drinks, etc., I would spend the night, all the while knowing he was with this other guy... I was OK with it at the time, but little did I know I was falling in love with him.

I confronted him about it - told him my feelings, etc. and he started to cry, go emotion and told me he didn't want things to change between us, he wanted us to still be what we were. Which I agreed to... Knowing very well I still had these lingering feelings.
Then comes the kicker, we went on vacation together. We had an amazing time, for 5 days we didn't get into one argument, we laughed together for hours and had no dull moments..... Obviously we had plenty of sex.

So now I am torn... I want to force myself to just be friends, but I feel as though there is something really special there that I can't let pass by. He however still is with his "BF" but from what I can tell likes the idea of him but also the idea of me. Clearly he doesn't know what he wants, and obviously I am letting myself get walked all over.

Before I continue down this trajectory, which I know I am bound to get hurt in, what do you recommend. Keep in mind we talk every moment of the day, we skype and text like crazy... It's a strange position to be in and I don't want to get more hurt than I already have been.
Should I just cut all ties or continue to fight for what I want...?

[dfiant]

Cut all ties and move on, continuing the way you are is only going to end in tears, even if he breaks up with his 'BF'

I may sound old fashioned, but a man in a relationship seeing someone 'on the side' (You) is immoral, and a person chasing another (You), knowing that they are in a relationship, is equally immoral, and as far as I am concerned if you look at his behaviour now...what do you really think would change if he broke up with his 'BF' and made you his 'BF'???

[jpmay79]

That's exactly what is running through my head... Even if it did end with his "bf" who's to say that he wouldn't do the same thing to me.
That said, the only reason we are doing what we're doing is cause we meet pre BF, and he did tell me in a drunken moment (which he confirms later is his most honest time) that we would have been together had I not gone silent for the short spout. I don't think he would have cheated on his bf otherwise - we are very honest with each other and trust one another with everything. We are supposed to have clear boundaries with each other that this is only fun, but the chemistry and passion we have in the bedroom isn't just fun... I have had plenty of f-buddies, this is definitely not that.
Yes I know the entire thing is immorale persay- but I think knowing he obviously had feelings for me more than just sex makes this all the more difficult.
I am not trying to chase him, he is willfully wanting to keep me around - the way I look at it, he is the one that is 'chasing' me. The first text I get in the AM is his, the last one I get at night is his...
I know it sounds like I am defending my actions, and I might be, but this is a two way road and yes cutting all ties is an option but I need to fully vet the outcome before I can prepare myself emotionally. Tears are already flowing..... So that's not even something I am concerned about.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Hey...the guy clearly is into you in some way...I don't think you should cut all ties with him just like that, it will hurt you both way too much. Talk to him and just...tell him that you want something more with him, you want things between you two to be clear and...give him the choice to either be with you or...you know, something like that. :/

[rakmatis]

be better than him. Stop. He is a cheater, and to be honest youre not making it any better. like the others say, its going to hurt all of you.

[princealbertofb]

I wouldn't be as adamant as the other posters here.

If I understand the situation clearly, jpmay, the trouble really lies in the fact that you are starting to have some serious feelings for him, not just lust for him sexually but yearn for his friendship and commitment.

Have you told him, since you are (your own words) so honest with each other, how you are beginning to feel?

You obviously don't know his boyfriend. Who is this man? Why does your 'friend' keep him as a boyfirend? Is it for reasons that are sentimental or financial, or both? Is his relationship with the boyfriend as honest as it is with you? Does the boyfriend know that he's having sex on the side, even if it is with you on a regular basis? Did that boyfriend actually encourage it because he can't provide the sex? Does 'your friend' have any other buddies he indulges in sex with, just for fun?

Have you discussed with your friend the sort of relationship that he and his boyfriend have? Is it an open relationship? (One in which both partners agree that they can get sex from other people without it endangering the romantic relationship).

It sounds to me as if the boundaries are not that clear and so, if the balance in your relationship and your own mental health become the issue here, it seems to me you ought to address the issue and start asking questions. Maybe you could do this after the deed, once you are relaxing in bed after a good sex session. Those are good times to get a bit more intimate in the mind.
Whatever happens, good luck with finding out where you both stand and finding what's right for you.

By the way, if you could find yourself a steady boyfriend, other than him, would you go for it? Would you give him up for that new boyfriend?

Someone here has suggested that if this man can ""cheat"" on his boyfriend this way (we don't know that he's 'cheating' on him, since the boundaries of his relationship with the bf are not known to us), he will cheat again on you or any other person. I'm not sure that this is necessarily the case, but it may be the case. Some people need to be in love with different people all at the same time. Some find it hard and need full commitment. Where do you stand (for your own comfort zone)?

[jamiebfd]

He sounds like a player.
People like that tend to say to you what you want to hear.
You already know he is a cheat....
IF you got together would you trust him not to cheat on you too?
The trust will not be there and you will constantly have the nagging feeling in your head.

I suggest you break it off before you get caught up in a life of secrecy and mistrust.

[princealbertofb]

He sounds like a player.
People like that tend to say to you what you want to hear.
You already know he is a cheat....
IF you got together would you trust him not to cheat on you too?
The trust will not be there and you will constantly have the nagging feeling in your head.

I suggest you break it off before you get caught up in a life of secrecy and mistrust.

While I agree that he might be a player, I'm not sure we have all the elements of the puzzle, Jamie... and maybe things aren't quite so black and white... People who 'cheat' are people who are not really in the right place, or in the situation that fits their personality. It's not all so clearly defined... What I think jpMay is asking is whether he should open up to a different mindset about his relationship to this guy and preserve something that he enjoys and loves, or on the contrary narrow his choices and leave this man because it's causing him heart ache and probably some shame or regret, or doubt.

[jamiebfd]

While I agree that he might be a player, I'm not sure we have all the elements of the puzzle, Jamie... and maybe things aren't quite so black and white... People who 'cheat' are people who are not really in the right place, or in the situation that fits their personality. It's not all so clearly defined... What I think jpMay is asking is whether he should open up to a different mindset about his relationship to this guy and preserve something that he enjoys and loves, or on the contrary narrow his choices and leave this man because it's causing him heart ache and probably some shame or regret, or doubt.

Very true.
But would you trust someone who you know is a cheat?
Ive seen people get together after affairs and it doesnt have trust in the relationship. But then again there are also storys of it going the other way and they stay together forever xD

[princealbertofb]

Consider this case: my current boyfriend used to be married and cheated on his wife everytime he had sex with men. He hated himself for it... He was clearly not aware that having a wife was NOT the right situation for him. Once he figured it out, he was in love with a man who wouldn't requite his passion, it hurt too. Now we are in a relationship and I trust him when he says he's not needed or wanted to be unfaithful to me (even though we've agreed that we would leave each other the right to use our bodies any way we choose; I think it's ridiculous to take away a man's liberty to use his body as he wishes, because ultimately, you can't control someone else, unless you lock them up... not my idea of love.) This personal situation has led me to think that things aren't always so clear cut, or black and white. It's a question of finding your personal balance and happiness.