Should I start a new life with a new lover

[BOYINLOVE2012]

I'm usually in control of every aspect in my life but when it comes to falling in Love and passion. It all falls apart. I suppose this is not unusual.
There's a bit of dilemma going on in my life right now. I'm a young Brazilian man who happens to like older guys. Coming to think of it. it's very weird seeing me 25 looking 18 with a man almost double my age. Most of my young 'friends' don't tolerate, they find it rather bizarre but I actually don't take any notice,(or at least didn't used to).

7 years ago. I met an English Gentleman. At first we were just friends, he was more interested in me than me on him, but rapidly my love for him arrived and I became obsessed with his entire self; 45, at the time, 6.4' tall, turquoise blue eyes, soft blond hair, smooth, athletic; Perfect! 2 years after knowing M. we decided to live together, which was great! Alongside him I've experienced and learned probably most of the best things that makes myself to date and I wouldn't change that for nothing. We travelled to unimaginable places, made love in desert beaches in Brazil, Caribbean, and Maldives amongst others, wined and dined in the best restaurants, Partied with friends, made lots o money together, what else could a couple want ?

5 years on our relationship has deteriorated significantly, I suppose more from my point of view. Strangely enough before I never ever thought that age would be a problem. But now I see M. growing old and me blossoming. We've been fighting really badly recently and I often loose my patience with him quite easily and although I still love him so much I don't see ourselves more than just good friends. I just don't want to hurt him.

A couple of month ago. We had a rather aggressive fight. In the rush of an adrenaline moment I decided to just get lost finding myself one hour later in the middle of London wondering where to go and what to do. Booked myself into a hotel, and decided to go off with the first man in sight (how childish!). In a London sauna wondering like I had no purpose in life. This man approached me and asked why I looked so sad. Feeling shy when I finally focused my eyes on him all my dilemmas seemed to have evaporated; a dark looking handsome man, strong build muscles, hairy chest, black hair, nice lips, big green/bluish eyes. could never guess his age 35 -40? Feeling rather confident he hugged me. I then noticed how big his body was. My lean smooth body disappeared in his muscly pecs and arms and that gave me some kind of temporary comfort I've been craving for so long. People starred at us rather puzzled. We spend sometime hugged before we exchanged a few words. H. had found me and I found Him.

After that unexpected meeting in the Sauna I've seen H. twice, once in his hometown of Manchester and recently in Birmingham. Since then, I've learned that H. is a 35 years old Kurdish man, Bisexual living with his girlfriend. He likes to look after himself, takes gym seriously and lifts my 10.5 stones body to work his arms and back. He doesn't spare any emotion to show how deeply in love he is with me. He often makes comments that sometimes comes across as too intense making me feel the only person left in the world. He amiably calls me his kid and that he never ever loved anybody else like he does love me.
We just had a weekend of eat, love and pray in Birmingham, it was very intense, and magical. None of our partners knows about ours meetings. When he saw me in the middle of a rush hour New Street Station, his big green eyes stood out of the crowd looking at me and as if he hadn't seen me for years he runs and give me a long and passionate hug, he even kissed me on my chicks, which made me feel rather embarrassed, got over it quite instantly, for me it was only him and me in the middle of the crowd.
When I was just thinking everything was going to end up as an adventure for both of us we saw ourselves immersing in love and making future plans We didn't want the weekend to be over, but when it did, it was a huge coming down. He is unhappy with his life and girlfriend and believes life with me will be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to him. I on the other hand, feel that I also need a fresh start. At first I thought I should go single. Something I haven't experienced for the past 5 years but now there's an Intense love going on and I just don't know what to do next.

H. txt me everyday and night and feels sad when I don't txt him back. I never met a Middle Eastern man before. This is being a new experience in every aspect for me. Nobody has ever showed me love in this way, with very strong words and action that makes me sometimes speechless and scared.

I'm now just confused as to weather I should just follow my heart into this amazing loving moment we are experiencing and forget my life with M. and start a new life somewhere with H. He talks about living anywhere with me. Brazil, his country, Europe.
I know I dragged on a bit but please, if you ever been in the same situation, or have some nice words to comfort me, I more than welcome you thoughts. It's not being easy!!!!


Many thanks for taking your time


XXXXXXXX

Young boy and his Kurdish Lover

[princealbertofb]

OK for the moment, I'll just say hello and to GaySpeak, young man, but I will have to take time reading your post thoroughly first before I answer.

[princealbertofb]

hmmmmm BIL, you are in a pretty pickle, really, but there is one good thing in that, you are in love and the man you love loves you back triplefold... However, you are caught up in a love triangle, part of the triangle not knowing you even exist. How to go about it? What do you know of his relationship with his girlfriend? Is she a girlfriend of convenience, because he can thus show the rest of the world that he's straight? Do you think he is bisexual?

How stable is your own financial position?
Have you contracted a partnership with M? Or have you kept things open with him?
Does M know you are dating someone else?

[drobs]

My partner, who I have been with for the last 8+ years, and I have always had the rule...

There are no such thing as open relationships. If one of us finds ourselves no longer in love, it's time to end it.

Living, loving, and being together means we are monogamous. We will never bring a 3rd person into the mix as that means we're done.

Unless M is out of town all the time, I find it difficult to believe he doesn't know that you are fooling around on the side.

Breaking up once the "L" word (Love) has been used is difficult to do. As a rule its best to break up gracefully.

As I'm sure you know, longterm relationships are great. Having someone that is there for you and actively participates in your life is awesome. Being able to share your successes and failures together and find the meshing of your souls and lives is the only way to go.

That being said it took me the majority of my 20's to find the right one. In the back of mind it was a longing. The short term hookups and Fkbuddies gets old fast.

I would hate to be single again. If I had to be I would let everyone know up front where I am - either not looking for a LTR or waiting for the right person.

So comes down to decisions, drop M for H. Work it out with M drop H.
Go single and see H, M, and Z (whoever that may be) on the side.

[East]

Love and Lust are usually mutually exclusive and often Lust is confused as Love. There is also human nature that may be in play here (the need to conquer and win is a common instinctual one)...and when I read this I sense a slight addiction to the euphoria of lust/love...it sounds a bit like a drug when you describe it.

I said the above to give you a few things to think about...my first impressions. They are only based on what I have read and sensed and I could be completely off. What I do think is either way you have really already left your partner so I would risk losing your partner as a friend and tell him it is over because you can't really be friends without honesty anyway as honesty is an essential ingredient in any real friendship. You will have much more respect for yourself whatever other decision you make down the road if you tell him now.

Having said all that....I actually hope that the new guy is 'the one" for you! I wish you luck and happiness and hope you find the love you seek.

[BOYINLOVE2012]

Hello Guys. Thanks for the prompt messages of support and advice. Busy day today but will write with more time later in the evening! xxxxxx

[toomuch45]

hello boyinlove i think that its lust going on somewhere in your situation just from reading your post
thats what i truley think

enjoy your stay

[BOYINLOVE2012]

hmmmmm BIL, you are in a pretty pickle, really, but there is one good thing in that, you are in love and the man you love loves you back triplefold... However, you are caught up in a love triangle, part of the triangle not knowing you even exist. How to go about it? What do you know of his relationship with his girlfriend? Is she a girlfriend of convenience, because he can thus show the rest of the world that he's straight? Do you think he is bisexual?

How stable is your own financial position?
Have you contracted a partnership with M? Or have you kept things open with him?
Does M know you are dating someone else?

Dear Prince Albert

Thanks for your thoughtful words! I agree with you, I'm in a pretty pickle. I know his girlfriend, in fact I met her briefly when I first went to see him. He's truly not afraid of our relationship. He even invited me to stay at his place knowing that she could pop in at any time and made clear she didn't know anything about us and would a be disaster if she happened to find out, of course I didn't have any of that, So stayed in a hotel very far from where he lives. His girlfriend seems like a nice person but according to him lacks the zest for life and sex with her is very random. His life is very simple compared to mine there's nothing much going expect work, gym, and the odd visit to the pub.
I don't know how life with him would be? I like doing things and can get bored easily when there's nothing to do. He's happy to stay in bed with me kissing, cuddling and having sex every hour. I know very well a relationship based only in love making won't survive, There's more to it.

My financial situation is pretty good. I've achieve quite a lot compared to people of my age. My main work is with M. We have a property investment company. of course if I was to split with him, we would need to discuss the financial side of it too. I'm also launching a fashion label which is taking half of my time. This is entirely my own project.

I don't have a partnership with M.

Sorry, I haven't given the full picture before in my first post cos this is a long complicated story. I didn't want to overwhelm my fellow readers. I could write a book.

M. doesn't know I'm dating someone else and if he dreamed about it he would feel very hurt indeed. Like H. one day he told me that he would love me forever and that I was the only one in his life. I did the same. :frown: And he still believes it. He can't bear the thought of me in another man's arm. He is just recovering from a nasty illness. Which I've been supporting throughout. He loves me and when I hint sometime ago I was leaving him, he didn't believe and thought I wasn't being serious.

Today I had 20 txts messages from H.
The saga continues!

[BOYINLOVE2012]

[quote=East]Love and Lust are usually mutually exclusive and often Lust is confused as Love. There is also human nature that may be in play here (the need to conquer and win is a common instinctual one)...and when I read this I sense a slight addiction to the euphoria of lust/love...it sounds a bit like a drug when you describe it.

Hello there.

Interesting reply to my post thanks. There's indeed a lot of desire and lust in this. There's also the need to have that H. around independently of sex. It certainly occurred to me that this is probably just a moment I'm going through and the lust, if you like, will go away making me more aware of the actual facts. Today I had a weird day. Half working, half dreaming how life would be with H. that distracted me quite a lot.....

[princealbertofb]

Actually now, BIL, I think you're not only involved in a love triangle but in a love square, in which you have two male lovers (one on the way out, one still trying to make his way into your permanent life), and one woman in one corner.... It's a bit more complicated by the fact that you have not resolved your relationship with M and it's going to be tricky explaining and getting out of it financially, morally and spiritually (and sexually, probably).

As an older man myself, I sense that losing you as my lover, one I trust and love will be quite devastating, because at our ages, even if we are quite successful and popular, the thought of having to start dating again and finding a partner is really daunting. However, we could regard the situation as a divorce or a death. What happens when we become suddenly widowed? There's a period of necessary mourning and you should be prepared to accomodate that for M. He may never want to see you again, once you've gone, and you should be prepared for that to happen.

Unfortunately, knowing you haven't gone for good, the sense of betrayal may feature high on his list of feelings and he may want to make you pay for it. That's the jealousy part you'll have to deal with if you break his heart.

Being an Aries, I suspect you tend to get yourself into situations, experience them and then look back at the results and consequences. And decide where to go from there. It looks as if your dissatisfaction with M on the sexual and emotional level have led you to seek someone else, and being attractive and young, you were lucky that the opportunity came quickly.

Of course doing something as random as going to a sauna paved the way for a risky situation, with which you are now also having to deal. Your question to us really is: What am I supposed to do to get some leverage on this messy situation.

One of the posters here has suggested getting disentangled from M and H, keeping them and others on the side for short span gratification and finding someone else that could fit the long term relationship better. But in that equation, I'm sensing that:
1) you don't want to lose M's respect and friendship, even if the sex & emotion part no longer really works for you,
2) you have a hankering for something that will be long term, as you have already experienced its advantages,
3) you recognise the rather amazing nature of your relationship with H as it happened so unexpectedly and it seems to fulfill part of your sexual and emotional need, but it comes with an added catch: the girlfriend and the secrecy that goes with it. (How long are you going to go along with it and sustain it, until it breaks you or starts annoying you big time?)

So, are you ready to give up some things, as it looks you'll have to, to set things straight and get a more balanced perspective on your life? No one can generally have their cake AND eat it. So it really all lies in your options and the choices you will make.

One of them is continuing the lies and the double life... but by the sound of it, you'll tire of it very soon, and find yourself not able to keep it up.

The other is probably levelling with M and H and possibly the girlfriend as well, and seeing how your options evolve from there.

One good part for you, however, is that your financial situation is not all tied up in M's business, only part of it, and you are ready to move on to your own independence. You'll need that.

Question: do you have friends and family around to support you while you are dealing with the lose ends?

Good luck with whatever decisions you manage to make and carry out.