discovery
07-14-2011, 03:41 PM
Greetings and Salutations!
i am a 24 year old artist, and my greatest concerns have always been intellectual and existential in nature. i have spent a lot of time determining exactly who i am and the implications of my identity as it relates to the world around me. some have described me as cold, cerebral or Machiavellian in nature. in reality i am just very reserved, philosophical and ambitious. despite my reservations i try to be very open and accepting of others.
For a very long time i have been largely unconcerned with sexuality. i have always been regarded as a controversial figure and an outsider in my community. i first questioned my sexuality at the age of 14. at the time i was not ready to accept what i am, and therefore concealed it from myself. instead of identifying gay i chose the more "socially acceptable" label of "bi". for a long time i positively despised sexuality, it filled me with a profound ambivalence, i was at once compelled to explore it, and absolutely dispassionate and unsatisfied.
i have recently come to the conclusion that my dissatisfaction was a consequence of hiding my sexuality from myself. i had engaged the opposite sex for prolonged periods of time, and while interesting, i felt nothing. it seemed meaningless. i have no intention of having children, and absolutely loathed taking the active role. i had caused a great deal of grief to both women i dated, during the entire time i would have more evocative and profound fantasies of other men. i had drawn hundreds of erotic images of men, (particularly the abduction of Ganymede by Jupiter which i intended to render in oil at a large scale) and destroyed all of them in my frustration.
i am now twenty four years old, and am coming to terms with my sexuality. i recognize that my attraction to men is not a passing phase, but rather the crux of my identity. acceptance of this facet feels natural, yet i feel i have wasted time. while i have often been of the opinion that relationships before this point in ones life are by their nature strictly experimental, i have longed to find a partner who shares a common outlook. i am wondering at this point whether my lack of personal acceptance was a consequence of environment and a lack of options.
i am from a mid-west steel town 30 minutes outside of Chicago in Indiana. The people of "The Region" as we call it are distinctively different from both Chicago residents and Hoosiers. its hard to quantify the precise differences, however the best description i can express is that, we lack the "innocence" of the rest of the state of Indiana, and are not as cultured as Chicago. Furthermore "The Region" was and is driven by punk rock. as a controversial thinker and outsider it was a natural choice to crew up.
The Punks from here are not your Hot-Topic MTV pseudo-punks rather these were Street Punks, Gutter Punks. the colloquialism attributed to our group was the "Region Rats". These were the kids who would become my family and embraced them, being young, poor and full of angst. For years i hid myself, my nature, and my sexual inclination in a chrysalis of drugs and alcohol. i started young, i had my first joint when i was fourteen, became a habitual user by the end of summer, and had my first black out when i was 15. i have used psychedelics heavily, and explored every method of getting bent that was available to me. i learned the very essence of vice and filled myself with a profound emptiness.
I wasnt trying to "fit in". I wasnt emulating anyone. i bought "Never Mind the Bollocks Here is the Sex Pistols" when i was 13 years old. No, i helped start this movement. I Tried to escape everything in an orgy of anger and violence and found others like me. i wanted to fuck up everything. i wanted to bring the world crashing down and build upon the ashes. i encouraged those around me to emulate MY behavior. i helped set the precedent for what would be defined as "cool". I bucked the system, studied alternative religions, politics, agricultural methods, scientific thought, and philosophies, to create fully systematic destruction of eveything around me.
I lived by the aphorism, Fake it till you make it, and it worked. except i wasnt faking it. i was deadly serious. i knew exactly what my position was, and my potential. i found others like me, and brought them together. i helped organize shows, and provided support for those i thought were worth it. i viewed myself as a leader, and i was cunning and discriminate about those who i allowed into my close ranks. I looked for the most intelligent and aggressive people i could find. Intellect came first, and then strength, and then perspective. i developed a close circle of friends, and from there began to network. For some one pursuing the controversial, i was very concerned with popularity and image. i thought it would be key to develop these traits if i wished to succeed in my long term goals.
Everything grew bigger and faster than i could imagine, time went by quickly. soon i was nineteen, and ready for change, i moved to Phoenix, Arizona for about three years, there i had the first of my two relationships with the opposite sex. i choose the woman i did, because she was older, affluent, and had specialized knowledge in abstract spirituality and philosophy. she had many gay friends of whom i was often jealous. Here is where i began my in depth study of the arts, and where i lost my drawings and paintings. She knew me better than i knew myself, and we would often fight about it. i couldnt give in because i was 2000 miles away from home, and would have no where to go. however i eventually did break it off and did move back home. i was 22 about to turn 23.
on my way back to indiana i stopped at Burning Man for a week. it was there that i began to re-open myself up, and i began to experiment. i had a great deal of fun, but it brought me back to a difficult time in my life. being with other men forced me to confront what i had hidden from myself, what i denied for a long time. i felt the same bottle of angst uncork itself. rather that face it head on this time, i hid it again under the excuse that i wasnt interested in the woman because she was older... i needed to try some one my own age.
I returned home and began to settle in to my old life. However now i had experiences from Burning Man circling through my mind, which i began to explore. this is where i should have admitted to myself what i was interested in, yet i had become more jaded and apathetic than before due to the self abuse i put myself through for the previous three years. i didnt even want to think about sex. Two months after i returned home one of my three best friends died of asphyxiation. the next six months would be a haze of alcohol and drug consumption. i would drink fifths of tequila to myself, binge on whiskey and cry. i had known my friend sense i was 12 years old, he had just turned 23 a week before he died, and he was the one who helped me forge a musical and artistic movement in a shit town. i am convinced that the only reason i really came home was for that.
Its been a little more than year and half sense then. i have started and dropped out of college, and discovered more of my identity. i have been blind drunk and tripped balls. i have started a business and closed it, and have come to terms with what i have been hiding in the dissatisfaction of personal relationships and the bottom of bottles, and a sea of tears. i am ready to move on once and for all. i havent lost my fire however, i have only tempered it into the confines of furnace and crucible.
Now i seek to recover the spirituality i have lost, and the time i have wasted. it hasnt been a total waste mind you, i have produced countless works of art, sold many paintings, discovered a passion for writing, made music, organized more shows, and built a reputation for being tough as nails, despite being 125 lbs and tall and lanky, and gay (though i hid that from everyone, however not very well, most people i have told realized it before i did, at least those that know me well)
i just know i have been looking for something for a very long time, i think i may have found it, or at least the roads that will take me there. This year i am returning to the desert, back to Burning Man, back to Phoenix. i have tied off my loose ends, and i have no regrets about leaving. i just want a new life and a fresh start. I have tried very hard not to be conceited and arrogant, though my life has been out of control. i have a keen judgment of character, and have tried to always be understanding despite attempting to be "tough". i am not as masculine as i make myself sound, at least not compared to most of the other guys i know. i enjoy difficult environments and challenges, but appreciate luxury and academic pursuits more.
Can you blame me for not realizing it sooner? My circumstances have been strange indeed. there are many paths i could have taken, though i wouldnt trade my life for another. i havent been interested in sexuality enough so to explored it to its fullest. Yet i have considered it often. i am brought back now to those days i would lie in my room, fourteen years old, realizing i liked boys but wanting to play the hero, and having an anxiety attack, and hiding my nature from myself, and i am ready to accept it and move on. i am eager to explore as exploration it is part of my nature. i am through with conflict, i am through with running, i am through with fighting. it has become ever so tiresome and trite.
i have told my close friends about my inclinations. as i have stated those who know me well, (which are few and far between, as i put up walls of deception) have always recognized those tendencies. however many feel it is another ploy to gain greater influence. i cannot deny that i wish to effect the minds of others i have always desired to be a messenger and communicator. i have always sought receptive minds and evolving ideologies, yet it is not an affectation. my life of subterfuge has left my image damaged and unstable. it is hard to tell what the real me is. only i know that, only i can determine my true will. so now i am embarking, and leaving confusion in my wake. my innocence is lost, and i have become jaded. i am no longer naive if i ever was.
i am not looking for guidance, rather a catharsis, and reconciliation with my true self. i wanted to share my experiences not because i am seeking, but because it helps me gather my thoughts. i know i am not alone. the world is a crazy place, and maybe just maybe this might help some one. i am open to the insights of those who have taken the time to read this, and i am eager to read your replies, as i know that one cannot truly ever view themselves entirely. i am curious who else may have had similar experiences, and what they may be. i know i am dark, i have lived in shadows all my life, please do not judge me for that, i have honestly tried to overcome them, but i find that having been in the night so long, i am of the shadows i hide with in. articulation is the light that guides me, and my anchor. expression is my spirituality, and art is my politics.
thank you
kuja the raven
i am a 24 year old artist, and my greatest concerns have always been intellectual and existential in nature. i have spent a lot of time determining exactly who i am and the implications of my identity as it relates to the world around me. some have described me as cold, cerebral or Machiavellian in nature. in reality i am just very reserved, philosophical and ambitious. despite my reservations i try to be very open and accepting of others.
For a very long time i have been largely unconcerned with sexuality. i have always been regarded as a controversial figure and an outsider in my community. i first questioned my sexuality at the age of 14. at the time i was not ready to accept what i am, and therefore concealed it from myself. instead of identifying gay i chose the more "socially acceptable" label of "bi". for a long time i positively despised sexuality, it filled me with a profound ambivalence, i was at once compelled to explore it, and absolutely dispassionate and unsatisfied.
i have recently come to the conclusion that my dissatisfaction was a consequence of hiding my sexuality from myself. i had engaged the opposite sex for prolonged periods of time, and while interesting, i felt nothing. it seemed meaningless. i have no intention of having children, and absolutely loathed taking the active role. i had caused a great deal of grief to both women i dated, during the entire time i would have more evocative and profound fantasies of other men. i had drawn hundreds of erotic images of men, (particularly the abduction of Ganymede by Jupiter which i intended to render in oil at a large scale) and destroyed all of them in my frustration.
i am now twenty four years old, and am coming to terms with my sexuality. i recognize that my attraction to men is not a passing phase, but rather the crux of my identity. acceptance of this facet feels natural, yet i feel i have wasted time. while i have often been of the opinion that relationships before this point in ones life are by their nature strictly experimental, i have longed to find a partner who shares a common outlook. i am wondering at this point whether my lack of personal acceptance was a consequence of environment and a lack of options.
i am from a mid-west steel town 30 minutes outside of Chicago in Indiana. The people of "The Region" as we call it are distinctively different from both Chicago residents and Hoosiers. its hard to quantify the precise differences, however the best description i can express is that, we lack the "innocence" of the rest of the state of Indiana, and are not as cultured as Chicago. Furthermore "The Region" was and is driven by punk rock. as a controversial thinker and outsider it was a natural choice to crew up.
The Punks from here are not your Hot-Topic MTV pseudo-punks rather these were Street Punks, Gutter Punks. the colloquialism attributed to our group was the "Region Rats". These were the kids who would become my family and embraced them, being young, poor and full of angst. For years i hid myself, my nature, and my sexual inclination in a chrysalis of drugs and alcohol. i started young, i had my first joint when i was fourteen, became a habitual user by the end of summer, and had my first black out when i was 15. i have used psychedelics heavily, and explored every method of getting bent that was available to me. i learned the very essence of vice and filled myself with a profound emptiness.
I wasnt trying to "fit in". I wasnt emulating anyone. i bought "Never Mind the Bollocks Here is the Sex Pistols" when i was 13 years old. No, i helped start this movement. I Tried to escape everything in an orgy of anger and violence and found others like me. i wanted to fuck up everything. i wanted to bring the world crashing down and build upon the ashes. i encouraged those around me to emulate MY behavior. i helped set the precedent for what would be defined as "cool". I bucked the system, studied alternative religions, politics, agricultural methods, scientific thought, and philosophies, to create fully systematic destruction of eveything around me.
I lived by the aphorism, Fake it till you make it, and it worked. except i wasnt faking it. i was deadly serious. i knew exactly what my position was, and my potential. i found others like me, and brought them together. i helped organize shows, and provided support for those i thought were worth it. i viewed myself as a leader, and i was cunning and discriminate about those who i allowed into my close ranks. I looked for the most intelligent and aggressive people i could find. Intellect came first, and then strength, and then perspective. i developed a close circle of friends, and from there began to network. For some one pursuing the controversial, i was very concerned with popularity and image. i thought it would be key to develop these traits if i wished to succeed in my long term goals.
Everything grew bigger and faster than i could imagine, time went by quickly. soon i was nineteen, and ready for change, i moved to Phoenix, Arizona for about three years, there i had the first of my two relationships with the opposite sex. i choose the woman i did, because she was older, affluent, and had specialized knowledge in abstract spirituality and philosophy. she had many gay friends of whom i was often jealous. Here is where i began my in depth study of the arts, and where i lost my drawings and paintings. She knew me better than i knew myself, and we would often fight about it. i couldnt give in because i was 2000 miles away from home, and would have no where to go. however i eventually did break it off and did move back home. i was 22 about to turn 23.
on my way back to indiana i stopped at Burning Man for a week. it was there that i began to re-open myself up, and i began to experiment. i had a great deal of fun, but it brought me back to a difficult time in my life. being with other men forced me to confront what i had hidden from myself, what i denied for a long time. i felt the same bottle of angst uncork itself. rather that face it head on this time, i hid it again under the excuse that i wasnt interested in the woman because she was older... i needed to try some one my own age.
I returned home and began to settle in to my old life. However now i had experiences from Burning Man circling through my mind, which i began to explore. this is where i should have admitted to myself what i was interested in, yet i had become more jaded and apathetic than before due to the self abuse i put myself through for the previous three years. i didnt even want to think about sex. Two months after i returned home one of my three best friends died of asphyxiation. the next six months would be a haze of alcohol and drug consumption. i would drink fifths of tequila to myself, binge on whiskey and cry. i had known my friend sense i was 12 years old, he had just turned 23 a week before he died, and he was the one who helped me forge a musical and artistic movement in a shit town. i am convinced that the only reason i really came home was for that.
Its been a little more than year and half sense then. i have started and dropped out of college, and discovered more of my identity. i have been blind drunk and tripped balls. i have started a business and closed it, and have come to terms with what i have been hiding in the dissatisfaction of personal relationships and the bottom of bottles, and a sea of tears. i am ready to move on once and for all. i havent lost my fire however, i have only tempered it into the confines of furnace and crucible.
Now i seek to recover the spirituality i have lost, and the time i have wasted. it hasnt been a total waste mind you, i have produced countless works of art, sold many paintings, discovered a passion for writing, made music, organized more shows, and built a reputation for being tough as nails, despite being 125 lbs and tall and lanky, and gay (though i hid that from everyone, however not very well, most people i have told realized it before i did, at least those that know me well)
i just know i have been looking for something for a very long time, i think i may have found it, or at least the roads that will take me there. This year i am returning to the desert, back to Burning Man, back to Phoenix. i have tied off my loose ends, and i have no regrets about leaving. i just want a new life and a fresh start. I have tried very hard not to be conceited and arrogant, though my life has been out of control. i have a keen judgment of character, and have tried to always be understanding despite attempting to be "tough". i am not as masculine as i make myself sound, at least not compared to most of the other guys i know. i enjoy difficult environments and challenges, but appreciate luxury and academic pursuits more.
Can you blame me for not realizing it sooner? My circumstances have been strange indeed. there are many paths i could have taken, though i wouldnt trade my life for another. i havent been interested in sexuality enough so to explored it to its fullest. Yet i have considered it often. i am brought back now to those days i would lie in my room, fourteen years old, realizing i liked boys but wanting to play the hero, and having an anxiety attack, and hiding my nature from myself, and i am ready to accept it and move on. i am eager to explore as exploration it is part of my nature. i am through with conflict, i am through with running, i am through with fighting. it has become ever so tiresome and trite.
i have told my close friends about my inclinations. as i have stated those who know me well, (which are few and far between, as i put up walls of deception) have always recognized those tendencies. however many feel it is another ploy to gain greater influence. i cannot deny that i wish to effect the minds of others i have always desired to be a messenger and communicator. i have always sought receptive minds and evolving ideologies, yet it is not an affectation. my life of subterfuge has left my image damaged and unstable. it is hard to tell what the real me is. only i know that, only i can determine my true will. so now i am embarking, and leaving confusion in my wake. my innocence is lost, and i have become jaded. i am no longer naive if i ever was.
i am not looking for guidance, rather a catharsis, and reconciliation with my true self. i wanted to share my experiences not because i am seeking, but because it helps me gather my thoughts. i know i am not alone. the world is a crazy place, and maybe just maybe this might help some one. i am open to the insights of those who have taken the time to read this, and i am eager to read your replies, as i know that one cannot truly ever view themselves entirely. i am curious who else may have had similar experiences, and what they may be. i know i am dark, i have lived in shadows all my life, please do not judge me for that, i have honestly tried to overcome them, but i find that having been in the night so long, i am of the shadows i hide with in. articulation is the light that guides me, and my anchor. expression is my spirituality, and art is my politics.
thank you
kuja the raven
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