Am I depressed?

[Anonymous]

I am a frequent poster here on gayspeak, and I would like some input in a problem that I am really embarrassed and ashamed about. I suspect that I may be suffering from depression. I always seem to be pessimistic and unhappy. I have spent countless hours scouring the internet for articles about how to be a happy person, and they have all failed. I am embarrassed because compared to many, my life is awesome. I'm 21 years old, my career is budding, my parents love me, I have tons of friends, and I have never really had to endure any hardship in my life. On the surface, I really don't have any reason to be dissatisfied with my life. Somehow my friends still like me despite my being moody and reclusive. I have never been in a relationship, nor have I ever had sex. I tend to blame my depression on these two facts, but while I am extremely lonely, I have had too many great things happen to me in my life to fool myself that one more great thing is going to bring an end to my being depressed. My loneliness is debilitating, but I have no idea where to start with finding a partner, and a large amount of social anxiety keeps me in my shell at parties and gatherings. I feel very much like finding a guy who likes me as much as I like him is just something that is probably not going to happen any time soon, if ever.

I don't feel like any of these issues are due to laziness on my part. I am a lot of things, but lazy is not one of them. I take great pride in my work, and I enjoy it immensely (though when I am feeling particularly depressed, all of the enjoyment I find in my work vanishes, and it becomes just another chore). I am still in school, and my teachers have told me that I am one of the hardest working students they have ever had, though they have also commented that the degree to which I am hard on myself when I fail at something borders on masochistic. I am currently at a summer program for pre-professionals in my field. It was a goal of mine for many years to make it into this program, which is the best of its kind in the United States, and among the top three of its kind in the world. I am probably four years under the mean age of the participants at this program. This is only the latest in a long line of accolades I have accrued, and no matter how many times I go over the list in my head, I still feel distinctly lacking in self worth.

Now the obvious solution is for me to talk to a doctor. There are a few reasons why I am reluctant to do this. First of all, I am beyond terrified of doctors and medical professionals of any kind. Don't ask me why. It's a phobia. For that reason, if I can find any excuse to not approach a doctor, I usually don't. The last time I went in for a check up was 2008, and that was only because it was required for me to go to college. The other reason why I am reluctant to talk to a doctor is because I know the first question they are going to ask is if I have thoughts of suicide. I have thought about suicide to one degree or another every day since I was 13. I have never attempted it, nor have I ever seriously considered attempting it, but I have thought about it. I am afraid that they will commit me against my will if I tell them this, even though after 8 years of chronic thoughts of suicide I have never once been a danger to myself. Then I won't be able to work, and I'll be locked up 24/7 under the constant oversight of the people who terrify me. Also, I am still on my parent's health insurance, so if medication is the route the doctor decides to take me down, the parents will have to find out about it, and they will blame themselves. While they would want to help me, I feel like it's my problem, and I should be the one to get myself out of it.

I am more or less lucid as I type this, but an hour ago I was at a six month low, and I am tired of feeling like this, particularly when I don't really have any reason to. I feel like I have tried everything to snap myself out of it, and nothing has worked. From what I have described, does it sound like I am actually depressed, or am I just an unhappy person? Thank you for assisting me, and for putting up with my whiny post.

[azulai]

I'm seriously reading your post, but could you clarify --> are you exercising regularly and eating balanced meals? Are you also having trouble sleeping? tkx

[Anonymous]

Honestly no I am not. Exercise has always been very uncomfortable for me, and while I have gone through periods where I followed exercise regimens, they never really seemed to affect my mood, confidence, or self esteem. Mostly I was just really tired whenever I had to do something important.

As for the diet, again no I am not. My schedule is packed and different every day. It's a poor excuse, I know, but balanced meals are tough when you start at 8:30 am, go until 11 pm and do it all again the next day.

[azulai]

I'm not judging. :tongue: I'm trying to get facts.

[Anonymous]

I'm judging enough for the both of us.

[BYoNexus]

It could be that your pushing yourself too hard. You've achieved a great deal in your life, congrats, but maybe you need to slow down a little? You say your 4 years under the mean age of this program your trying to reach? That's awesome, so why not stroll across the finish line? You say you;ve had thoughts of suicide frequently, this worries me a little, but Ive heard many times that when your overworked, even if by choice, this can cause One to have these thoughts. I'm very glad you have never seriously considered it an option.

I can relate to your Social Anxiety. If Im in a group of more then 3 ppl, I tend to shut myself off from those around me (Among friends even). I'm a little worried about this interfering with me finding someone as well, but I haven't been Out long enough for it to have had a debilitating effect on me. I've also struggled with depression, and for the moment am at a high point, but Ive been in some deep ruts in the past where I didnt feel like doing anything, and even getting up was a chore. I would suggest you should seriously think about what makes you so depressed. Don't blame anything, just consider all aspects of your current situation, your feelings, etc, and work from there. Thats how I shook off the last depressive rut I was in, when I realised the biggest factor was that I was not being true to myself and pretending to be Hetero.

Im also quite terrified of doctors, as you say, which is why I haven't seen one to deal with my social anxiety. One thing you should know though, is unless your clinicly insane to some degree, they cant lock you up involuntarily. Even with my fear, im still considering making an appointment to see someone about getting over my Social Anxiety, or at least getting it under control. I would suggest you should consider it, before you do something you truly regret.

I hope this helps you in some way

[OrphanPip]

You really have to seriously consider speaking with a doctor, depression is an illness and you may need medication to help you. It is not your fault if you have a genetic condition that lowers your dopamine uptake, you can't control that no matter how much you try.

The best thing you can do is speak with someone else about what you're feeling, and that doesn't have to be a doctor. You can speak to friends or a counselor, someone you can go to when you feel like the feelings of depression are getting out of control. Feelings of isolation are one of the worst symptoms of depression, and you have to actively resist them by reaching out to others.

[azulai]

Yes, I think you do sound depressed. There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about it. EVERYONE has felt some level of depression in their lives. I have. I did go through a very dark period and I did have thoughts of suicide, but I did fight it and make it through that tunnel. That's the only way I can describe it, I spent so many days as if I was in a tunnel.

Ok, but on to things that might help? I can only share what I've done, and maybe you can take something from it.

Getting our bodies to produce those much needed endrophins is why I asked about the exercise. I'm pretty sure you've probably read or found in your searches info about their importance. So, no matter what try to build some sort of physical activity into your schedule. Even if it's taking a 15 minute walk right after classes. Get out into the sunshine.

Also, there are foods that help increase them: bananas, strawberries, grapes and oranges. I think also nuts. I kind of do a mix every day of a bowl of one cut banana, sliced up strawberries and I add blueberries and I have that with breakfast. Have an orange or grapes as a snack for lunch.

The other thing I did when I was going through this stuff was I started meditating and I know people write that off as craziness but it has been a great source of focus and relaxation for me. From your post, you do sound like you are overextending yourself. And, dude, please get the idea that you are lazy out of your mind. You are so far from lazy.

I have posted in the past some of the deep-breathing meditation thing I do. I'll copy it if you are interested. Just let me know. But, that down time/quiet focus time is really important to me now. Something like that could help you.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is what I needed to do was to build healthy habits that boost my natural endorphins. My diet, exercise and meditation are like my safety when things get too much for me. I kind of focus and them and work myself through a rough patch. Like you, I beat myself up, over analyze and self-critique. Basically we can be our own worse enemy.

I will say though, the thing is you have achieved all these professional goals but they seem hollow because your idea of happiness, right now at this point in your life, lies in a kind of success or achievement of the heart. You want love and companionship.

You've clearly identified that the social anxiety is a major hindrance. So, I kind of think you need to focus on that. That may be something you need to see a therapist about and work on steps that are right for you. I know it's not what you want to hear, but talking to a professional might be what you need. And, I really wouldn't discount going to a doctor. Get some blood work done and get a physical. A doctor can only help you if you are honest with him or her. You are too lucid for anyone to even think of committing you. I really think things are more about helping people work out there issues not locking people up. So, honestly that is an unrealistic fear.

I truly believe our happiness has to come from inside. We have to tap into it.

I read a study a while back, but like an idiot, I didn't bookmark it, but I need to try to find it. Basically it concluded that people who were depressed prior to getting into a relationship, after a certain amount of time, fell right back to the same level of depression as they were before. Sadly, it would then affect a relationship.

Yes, it was one study that I read but it seemed to make sense to me. So, I really don't believe another person in someone's life will “cure” them of their depression. I recommend that you don't fall into that trap of convincing yourself that just having someone is going to make all the thoughts and feelings go away.

Spend this alone time as a very important time to concentrate on you. Do little steps maybe that challenge your social anxiety a little at a time. I really can't relate to it, so I'm sorry if I'm saying something insensitive. But, sometimes we tend to isolate ourselves when it's really not necessary. If you have friends who put up with you when you've been moody, not only are they good friends but it also says something about you. Have some confidence that those people want you around and enjoy you. Sometimes we isolate ourselves when it really isn't necessary.

So, keep talking to us even if it's to vent. And, honestly don't dismiss seeing a counselor. I hope something I've said might help, if anything know you're not alone, ok?

[jbrowder24]

If you don't want to see a doctor, you really need to look at other ways like exercise to help balance out your chemicals. Do you see the sun much? Some time with that - or one of those special lamps that give off a similar effect - might also help. Do you drink lots of caffeine? Avoiding stuff like that might help. You say you don't want to see a doctor... but if you don't, you need to find the courage and strength to work on stuff on your own. It's definitely normal though to still feel alone even when you're around friends; to feel down even when things are good; etc. for those that do have a bit of depression or feel as if something's missing. We can't control when we'll find what we want to fill the void (in terms of love) but we can control ways we can fill the void in the meantime, and some things will definitely be more fulfilling (such as exercise or doing something like volunteering) than others (such as filling the void with things like food or porn, for example).

[fredv3b]

The other reason why I am reluctant to talk to a doctor is because I know the first question they are going to ask is if I have thoughts of suicide. I have thought about suicide to one degree or another every day since I was 13. I have never attempted it, nor have I ever seriously considered attempting it, but I have thought about it. I am afraid that they will commit me against my will if I tell them this, even though after 8 years of chronic thoughts of suicide I have never once been a danger to myself.

Why do you think they will lock you up for thoughts of suicide that clearly aren't serious intentions?