New Guy, Just kind of depressed...

[usc823]

Hey everyone I am new. I am 17 and I am bisexual (I think). Anyway, this is a post I have put on some other sites so it's kind of generic. I just want to know what you guys think of my situation. Thanks...


Thanks everyone for caring. I am definitely dealing with some crap. I know that others have gone through much worse, and I am not downplaying anyone else's situation, I am just very emotionally unstable and don't know where to turn. I am getting to the point of depression, I have no desire to do pretty much anything unless it's with Josh (the guy I like). Pretty much the only reason I leave my room/bed is to go to work. I spend more time laying in bed wishing that I had him around than I do anything else. I am emotionally dependent on either him, or the thought of him in order to have any sense of thought. The only place I really want to be is anywhere he is, and that is the truth. When I am actually with him I feel like my old self, I can be happy and not have anything to worry about. He is like a drug to me and the withdrawal symptoms are never ending. I literally go weeks without seeing him during the summer because his family travels so much, and there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking about him. When they are actually in town I try and be around him as much as possible. I count down the days until I can see him again, and wish them to pass faster. Then when I am with him I want time to freeze so I can keep him close to me forever. He is my happy place, my only joy... I Love Him...

I feel that without him my life would be worthless, for I feel that the only point of life is to love. You may say that it's just a crush and that it will pass. I don't believe that, though. I have has crushes in the past that were short lasting, but this is MUCH different. Ever since I first laid eyes on him I have felt something for him. I mean LITERALLY it was like love at first sight. Something told me he was different than anyone I had ever been attracted to in the past. I have never felt the same bond on a personal level as I do with him. I mean we fit together SO well. I mean we don't even have to try in order for there to be chemistry, it's just there. Like, I pretty much see him more than Stephen (josh's brother) now when I go to their house, and I definitely talk to him more. We are like a pair that is un-seperable when we are together, and I think that we are kind of obvious. By that I mean to anyone looking at us from third person perspective. Idk what his family thinks, but they seem to be giving us more space than they used to. Stephen used to be with us every time we were together, but now it seems he always gives us some alone time. Maybe they have been talking and decided that they weren't going to stand in the way, I'm not sure, but I'm not arguing.

And I am still not sure If he is gay or not. I know, after all that you are probably wondering why I would let myself become so dependent on a boy who is more than likely straight. I mean there is like what, a 5% chance that someone is gay? It's just that he is JUST like me. We both act completely gay around each other, you know, being touchy-feely. He touches me constantly when he is talking to me and I will sometimes rest my head on his arm or something for a second when I am tired. We both seem to make excuses to touch each other for no reason, like putting a hand on the others back or an arm around the shoulder, stuff normal guys would flip out at unless it were obviously joking. I mean, you know how you can tell when someone is sincere or not? Well, he is always sincere when he does it, and I know I am. When he tells me that he loves me I feel so loved that I could cry. He will sometimes just say it really casually, and others it is more intimate. I feel awful when he says it near Stephen and I feel like I cannot say it back. I would be the one Stephen would get mad at, I mean you can't throw you own brother out, but you can your friend. I still remember the first time I told him that I loved him, it was the most liberating thing in the world and kind of broke down some barriers that I felt couldn't be crossed before. It made it even better when he told me he loved me back. I know it seems like he likes me to, but it just seems to good to be true. I mean, about EVERYTHING else he is very morally straight. He is a good kid and will let you know when he feels uncomfortable doing something. I mean, he is so good that he didn't want to sneak popcorn into the movie theater because it was "against the rules". It just seems that someone who is so "christian" about everything could ever be gay, but idk.

Anyway, sorry about the long post, I was basically thinking all of this when I was writing it. I saw him today and had to get some stuff off my chest.

[princealbertofb]

USC, I'm not sure that you ought to be depressed. So many people are lonely and haven't found another one to love that I consider you to be lucky in some ways. I think I can relate to the bit about not feeling like getting up etc when your loved one is not around, though. My partner and I often live quite a long time without being in the same country. It just makes our reunions very special. I suppose over time, I've learnt to live without someone by my side 24/7 (but when we are together, it really does work between us mile.

Well, if you love Josh so much, I suppose there could be ways in which to keep in touch with him over periods when he is not nearby. Have you tried texting, chatting online, calling him on the phone, writing him the good old fashioned letter?

If you two guys have so much in common and are so comfortable with each other, where in fact does the problem lie? Is it in the fact that you haven't asked him if he was gay? Is it in the fact that you haven't been to make yourself completely understood when you were able to say to him you loved him? What?

It seems to me that if you are so comfortable with each other, he must have a notion that you two are alike; maybe the family has felt it too.

The understanding I had was that you are supposed to be mates with Stephen and that through him you met his brother and his brother is just like another you, right? More details would be appreciated.

Take care, and don't feel depressed. You need a good dose of chocolate !

[aaa]

all will end well.. dont worry...

[jamiebfd]

Apart from touching... is there any sexual activity?
have you kissed.
if not... why dont u ask for one?
if he feels so strongly for you and he turns out to be straight there will be an awkward week maybe. But dont worry he wont hate you for it.

OR....

Why dont you come out to him and see if he returns the favour xD
You need to take life with both hands... sometimes its risky but if it pays off you know its worth it.

I love the way you describe your thoughts and feelings toward him.
THATS NO CRUSH... your in love and you should risk going for it.

Keep us updated please

[azulai]

I guess I'm a little confused by your post, I don't really get what you are asking.

Honestly, you sound more like you are obsessed than in love. And, I don't view that as healthy. So, maybe giving the friendship a little breathing room before, in my opinion, it burns itself out might be wise. You really sound like you need to chill out.

If you are trying to find out if he's gay or not, then maybe since you are such good friends you should confide in him that you think you are bisexual. Maybe it would open the door to a serious discussion and you'll have a more REALISTIC view of the situation.

[jbrowder24]

I agree with those that say you should try being honest. You don't have to unload it all at once, just start with admitting you think you might be gay or bi, for example. Heck, even ask him if there's someone he likes right now and see how he responds.

However I also agree with those that say you sound a bit obsessive. I mean, if he is your soul mate, great. But what if he's not gay? What if he is gay but only wants to be friends? What if he's gay and you date, but then he dumps you? If you are that attached, if nothing else makes you happy, you will not survive. But there's so much more to live for, to be happy about. You need to find happiness without him, no matter how things end up.

I think you recognize that too, or you wouldn't have posted a thread that, despite all the love text, says the word 'depressed' in the title. So what are your options? Can you see a doctor - is that something your parents would be open to? If not, maybe a school counselor when it resumes?

You say he makes you feel like your old self. Before you met him - what things made you happy? Maybe if you find ways to pass the time doing things you enjoy, it will help to keep your mind off of him. Not that you shouldn't think of him from time to time, but to do it as much as you are, only exacerbates your loneliness. You need to find ways to do it less, and other things to make you feel fulfilled in life.

[usc823]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am afraid, though, that if he ever were to reject me I would lose it. I literally have nothing going for me except for him. I don't care about anything except for him, I don't find anyone truly attractive other than him. I have laid around for hours thinking about how, without love, life is pointless. I mean, everything else will go away, but love is eternal, and I love him more than anything. I try and find other things to occupy myself, and I can succeed for a short time, but I always look at how pointless it is in comparison. I mean, I am to the point where I sit and stare at my computer screen waiting for him to come online just so I feel like he is close, we may not even talk.

I want to profess my love for him, I want to hold him close and kiss him and never let go, but I am too afraid. It's just that I still am not sure weather or not he would accept me. I don't know if I am blinded by my love for him. I mean, I could drop on my knees and ask him to marry me at this point (although we are too young). Thats how much I love him, like I could spend my whole life with him. The problem is that everyone except me thinks that he likes my sister, which worries me sometimes too. I mean, sure, he is really nice to her and talks to her some. And since he is in her class at school he hangs with her some (at school). But most of it i can pass off as her being his "gay friend". I mean, he will tease her about this guy she likes and stuff. And he has never made any advances on her or really said anything that you wouldn't say to a friend. It's just seems to me that if he EVER brings her up in front of me that he likes her. I know it's probably in my head, and I feel awful because sometimes I resent my sister for it. But it seems that if we are ever together around my sister he ignores her and hangs on me, so that makes me feel a little better.

Another problem is that there seems to be a "line" he will not cross. What I mean is that he seems comfortable with being gay to a point. Like we say I love you all the time, and hug and stuff, but whenever I have ever tried to call him hot or cute he kinda acts nervous and uncomfortable. He will also do things, like the other night, where he will initiate something (we were walking down the hall in the movie theater and I started to put my arm around him, but he beat me too it and put his arm around my waist), but then pull away and act like he is frustrated with himself for doing it. I don't know if this is internalized homophobia caused by his Christian upbringing (was an issue for me for a while), or him showing that he isn't gay. It just seems that when we are acting "gay" he is being sincere. The way he looks at me, and walks next to me, and touches me, and says "I love you" say that he really means it. We are completely a couple by ever definition of the word. I mean Stephen gives us crap all the time about how we act around each other. I LOVE HIM SOOOOO MUCH!!!

[jamiebfd]

So... if you call him hot and cute he must know you like lads/ men.
If he is the same then how do you know he isnt thinking exactly the same as you.
he may be scared to tell you aswell.
you should tell him dude.
if you dont and he ends up with someone else you would regret it forever.
Your friend/ the guy you love will respect you for being honest.
tell him you like men and then go from there.

Just dont let it turn obsessive.
if he is straight you will have to accept that. You dont want to scare him away

[posterpicture]

The problem with being in love with a teen boy is sometimes they don't really know what they want.
You can come out to him but that doesn't mean he will come out to you (even if he is gay). However, it seems like that boy really likes you. So thing should be fine if you come out to him.
There is a difference between "acting straight" and "being straight". When I was in high school, I tried to not talk about homosexuality, I avoided the subject even though I was not the one who brought it up, I changed TV channel when there was a gay joke. I was fear of being gay. But I did feel like if there was a boy who I liked a lot, and he hit on me, I wouldn't reject.

So your boy may think the same way. Just come out to him. Sleep over at his house, then find the opportunity to strive. Watch an erotic movie (straight or gay) then ask to kiss him. Tell him that you just want to try.

[usc823]

When I have called him cute or hot I have usually made it sound KINDA like a joke so I could play it off as one if he asked. I make it sincere enough though so that he can know I mean it. And what posterpicture was saying about the difference between acting straight and being straight is true. I know I usually act straight, that doesn't mean I'm straight. Thing is, if he IS straight, he is the sweetest straight guy I know, he is never mean to me and never jokes around like other guys do (you know, picking and punching and whatnot). He is just REALLY sweet...