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My worst nightmares
#1
As you can imagine, the last time i posted on here, i have some pretty vivid dreams. Well like the last dream i wrote about, dreaming of heaven, these two were quite the opposite. They were the worst nightmares i've had since i can remember.

I want to make something very clear though. IM telling you something hardly anyone but my counselor knows, and when i say counselor, that dont mean im crazy in any way.


From about when i was twelve to when i was almost 15, mom would usually pick me up from school, make dinner, then afterwards would just drink herself away on her wine. And she would overdo it so much that she would no longer be my mother, she would be someone else entirely. There are times when i came close to just taking her wine and pouring it down the drain.

Then on one night, i had two horrible nightmares. The first was of me lying in my bed, mom was drunk again, then i hear her yelling and slamming doors, she gets really mean when she's drunk. I remember having this feeling of hatred. I grabbed the knife on my nightstand, and im being honest i was probably gonna do something i would regret doing i my dream. But instead, when my dog comes into my room, and at the point where i just about had enough of everything, i killed my dog instead.

Then there was another dream, on this same night later on, where i was in a dark room. As my vision was adjusting i remember i was in a restroom, ad i could not find a light switch. then i start hearing voices, and i came to realize in a few minutes that it was my moms voice, growing louder and louder. I could tell she was drunk again, by the way her words were. Then i started hearing doors slamming, and her voice was now up to screaming... i remember trying to run away, from the screaming, the doors slamming, things breaking...... only to be right back where i started. then the walls started closing in on me, and i felt i couldn't breath. This is when i started waking up, but the most memorable thing about that nightmare, was that it felt as if i was actually being strangled to death, or that something extremely heavy was being pressed on my chest. I actually couldn't breath, i wanted to scream but i couldnt. Instead i cried, not much but a little.


When i talked to dad about them the next day, he explained to me, the first dream i had meant that i would rather kill my dog than my mom. And the second dream meant that with the way my mom was, it would symbolize her suffocating me, with her drinking and how she gets when she's drunk.


And by the way, i want to make this clear, my mom is not abusive. this is simply a glimpse into how my life was then. She's mean when drunk, but caring and kind when sober.

And again, am not crazy... just stressin that point
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#2
Dream interepretation is not an exact science, even for Freudians.

Personally, I don't think dreams have any sort of meaning at all, it's just your subconcious trying to make sense of life in the absence of waking logic.

I sometimes suffer from Sleep Paralyses, a phenomenon where you're mind seems to wake up ahead of the rest of your body and you find yourself unable to move or even open your eyes without a huge fight. However, I don't prescribe it to nocternal attacks by any supernatural entity.

The mind and body is a strange machine, we'll probably never figure it out.

Good luck with your counselling anyway!
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#3
lols i know about sleep paralysis and i know thats not what i had. Now that you mention it, i dont even think i ever suffered from that.
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#4
May I ask if your counselor has ever suggested an al-anon meeting for you? If not...maybe you can inquire about it.

I think your nightmares are definitely a manifestation of what you are experiencing in your everyday life. I suspect if you shared these nightmares with other people at an al anon meeting you would get alot of support and understanding.

I wish you luck
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#5
I actually considered that, with dad's help. Here's the thing though, i think the only way she was really gonne stop was if i told her to. IM 16 now, so it's been over a year since the last time she's been like that. When me and dad sat her down and talked to her about it, she was like i know i know, and idk why she would say that when really she doesn't know.... it's about a year and half now, and i think it's gotten a lot better.

Btw, and i know i already stressed this point enough, am not crazy in any way, despite the fact of having a counselor. The counselor part is just some mandatory thing with gettin my SSI for my autism
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#6
wow i like your story but i wrote a post about my dream a couple of days ago and you should read it but anyway they all told me the same thing they said they have no sort of meaning at all but im not sure though i think it has something to do with the things around you IDK.
but if you wanna read my thread its called hurtful dreams on the poems stories and lyrics thread
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#7
Lovelyraveboy Wrote:I actually considered that, with dad's help. Here's the thing though, i think the only way she was really gonne stop was if i told her to. IM 16 now, so it's been over a year since the last time she's been like that. When me and dad sat her down and talked to her about it, she was like i know i know, and idk why she would say that when really she doesn't know.... it's about a year and half now, and i think it's gotten a lot better.

Btw, and i know i already stressed this point enough, am not crazy in any way, despite the fact of having a counselor. The counselor part is just some mandatory thing with gettin my SSI for my autism

Maybe you and your Dad could go together. The thing with alcoholism...it is a disease and like any disease you dont' want to blame the person but you might want to understand the effects that the disease has on you as a family member...things you might not be aware of....things such as these dreams. When there is alcoholism in the immediate family it does affect the whole family....it is the nature of the disease. Al anon has so much expertise and experience as a group in this matter and support for family members that can help you and even your Dad in ways you can't imagine.

Also...please dont' worry about seeming crazy in any way...you do not seem crazy at all. Having a counselor and seeking help for anything is never a bad thing. As a matter of fact asking for help is a sign of strength.
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#8
I sincerely doubt that anyone here thinks you're "crazy" due to your seeing a counselor. And if they do, I'd like to have a word with them. Smile With that being said, I think you should stop worrying as much about what other people think. In most of America (I see you're from Texas... I'm so sorry), mental health is, for the most part, a very taboo/sensitive subject. However, mental health should be seen in the same light as physical health - if everyone had a personal trainer (or counselor), maybe we (Americans) would be a little healthier all around.

Anyway... Dream interpretation, as Vigilias pointed out, isn't an exact science and there's a lot of debate in philosophy and psychology about the significance of dreams. For me, I believe that, to a large extent, dreams are our subconscious' way of highlighting (or bringing attention to) the events in our lives using personal symbols and archetypes. Your first dream I'd interpret as your wanting to, maybe not kill, but to do away with, or be free of, what/who your Mother turns into when she's drunk - in a sense, an aggressive/mean "animal." The second dream, I'd interpret in a similar manner, that when she begins drinking, she becomes oppressive, overbearing, etc. and you begin to feel helpless and "suffocated."

But of course, this is only my interpretation of 'your' dream. It's ultimately up to you if you agree with this interpretation or not - symbols such as the dog may hold different meanings for me as it does for you.

(Why do I always post such long posts? O_o) Anyway, I am sorry that you have to be subjected to such behavior and am glad that it's getting better! I understand what it's like as my Father used to drink heavily while I was in middle school and high school...

Hope everything goes well for you. Smile
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#9
It sounds like you've had a tough time. All I have to say is that my mom was an alcoholic too and a broken marriage and 5 years later things are much better. I promise things will get better with time. Your mom just has to decide for herself if she is really ok with making herself into someone who hurts those around her.

Its seems like you're handling it much better than I did; sitting down and talking to her was a very brave and selfless thing to do. That being said, the way you speak about it, it seems as though it hasn't quite ended or at least is still a painful issue for you. So I tend to agree with East, you should go to an AA meeting with your dad and see what you can see.

At the very least it will give you some perspective on how much worse it could be. It might even give you some ideas on how to talk to you mom more about the issue, since it is clearly still an issue; even if things have gotten better.

Ceru,
HUGZz
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#10
First off, Thank you East. I appreciate that. I know it's a desiese, my mom's real dad was an alcoholic, and i guess thats the reason she's one as well. And from what i heard, there apparently is a gene for alcoholism. If that is so, i learned the hard way that i seem to have it. Yes, i've drinkned before, i know how it can affect the person, it affects everyone differently. Something i dont wanna do again.

Hisonba, Thank you for that insight. Thats actually the way i've come to interpet it myself, the way my dad explained it too.

And ceruleaan, thank you as well. I appreciate that, we actually have a book by Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous. Things are a lot better, she's in more control of her drinking than she was then. She checks herself i mean. Which is a good thing too haha.
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