He wont commit, even though he has feelings. This is tearing me up inside

[HeyDino]

I have this kind of undefined relationship with another guy. We are also best friends. It started in april when we both told each other that we liked each other. Infact he had to get it out of me because i didnt have the courage to say it - then he told me that he liked me.
THis came as a surprise, i thought he was straight, he'd had two sexual relationships with girls in his past. However, perhaps i was deceived, even though he kept telling me this is what he wants when we made out.

It started really well, we were basically in a relationship without calling it that. We used to date and spend great times alone. things were pretty perfect. We'd make out, flirt, do other stuff. And he used to say that as far as he was concerned it was all natural feelings - and we carried on

Few months on he started having doubts saying he wishes it was with a girl, and we are just best friends that sometimes go beyond that. We carried on for weeks just as friends and everything else stopped. He said he was confused and didnt know what he wants.

A month ago we basically broke up. He said we're still best friends but we should just wait and see what happens in the future. He said he wont ignore his feelings though. He just needs to sort out how to live his life.

Anyway last week we saw each other for first time in a while... And we didn't just go back to normal we were even Better and did tons of stuff .
I was really confused by this, he said he was too and needs to have a think. But he ALWAYS seems to avoid talking about it.

I have a really hard time trusting him because it always seems like he's pursuing girls. But then I am a little paranoid. He says that he has given me no reason to not trust him, which is kinda true. But he does things that annoy me, like talk to girls when we're out. And it EATS me up inside when he's gone out, or im not in the country because i dont know what he's doing.

When he went away a few weeks ago, I had to have a massive argument with him to get him to see it was not okay for him to go sleeping around with other girls. I didn't text him for a while, then he finally texted me to say he promices he won't sleep with anybody else.

Its so frustrating, because it seems that he has feelings, and he keeps coming back to me but wont commit to anything or even act like we are two people who like each other.

Please help.

[azulai]

Well, from your post it seems he keeps telling you he is trying to figure things out. He may be gay, but not yet ready to be gay. He may be somewhere on the sexuality spectrum and at times he needs females to fulfill an emotional and/or physical need. He might be trying to accept himself within cultural/societal norms.

You say he doesn't want to talk about it. Well, we're all different in how we process things. Sometimes it's something someone has to work through in there OWN head and in their OWN way. And, no matter how much you care or have good intentions, you can't interfere. They have to get there themselves.

Why not try and listen to him instead of forcing him to make a choice. Why not give him the freedom to explore?

You seem to be at a different place in understanding/accepting your sexuality and appear to be looking for this to be a relationship. You're both not at the same place.

You do need to protect yourself. You do need to figure out what you want. You can't let him use you while he experiments unless you are ok with that. He may be viewing this as a Friends with Benefits situation while you are thinking it's a monogamous relationship.

So, you do need to be clear about your needs. And, it seems you did, when you insisted about him not being with girls when you assumed you were in a relationship. The relationship is what you need to talk about. It may not be emotionally or physically healthy for you to hold on to this. What are your wants? What are your needs? If things are constantly up and down, and leave you unsure, that's not good for you.

IDK if I'm making sense but, what I'm trying to say is that it's two separate areas. You can't push him to make a choice about his sexuality which he clearly hasn't figured out yet for himself. But you should discuss what kind of relationship you have and what your needs and limits are. If you need a monogamous relationship, and he can't give that to you at this time, then maybe you need to accept that. It's almost like setting him up to fail and yourself for disappointment.

You can't tie someone to you, they have to want to be there.

Make sure you insist on safe-sex and that he always practices safe-sex. Never compromise on your health.

So, this is just my take based on what you've written. Maybe you'll find something useful, maybe not. Best wishes!

[jbrowder24]

I think azulai makes great points. He's definitely struggling with his feelings, and I don't mean for you - though that's a part of it. He's scared about what it means to be gay; about others judging; about family reaction; etc. It might be best to separate out any romantic feelings you have for him. You can still be friends. You can still do stuff with each other. But you need to realize that you can't give your heart to someone or be in a committed relationship with someone who isn't sure of who he is, let alone if he wants to be committed. It sucks because there seems to be a connection between you too, and I know what it's like to want more. But he needs to accept himself at his own pace, and the best thing you can do is be there as a friend. Perhaps you should let him know that you like him but are going to look around since he's unsure of what he wants, but that you're open to having more fun together in the meantime.

[Gabbyboy]

azulai and jbrowder24 are correct, you need to give him time to figure out what he likes, possible that he is really straight and happens to be inlove with you, that happens you know.. whats important is that you guys are still best friends.

me and my bestfriend used to be like you guys but i had to let him go because he is straight, however when it comes to girls he would have to ask me first if i would approve :p