Okay, I'm melodramatic xP.
I know it's something we all worry about at some point (or... most of us), but I just can't over this gnawing loneliness and fear that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life  . I just recently came out of the closet to my parents and I thought that that would make my life a whole lot easier. In my head it was pretty much like:
1. Tell parents
2. Get boyfriend
3. Live happily ever after
Again, melodramatic. But the point is, why is step 2 so hard for me ? I don't even know where to look. I'm open about my sexuality to a degree, but not to the point of being able to flirt with a man if I don't know for certain that he's gay. There are gay bars in my area but, 1. I'm not old enough to get in there yet, 2. I don't drink or plan to drink and I don't know if that's the type of environment I'd want to meet someone in.
But that's pretty much the only place I know to look. I thought of online dating, but putting my life on the internet scares me. Going to a private religious school crippled my perception on how people will react to discovering I'm gay, so I'm terrified that people would find me on a dating website looking for men and, point it out to everyone?
So pretty much... how do you guys find other gay men? The only ones I know are from online... and they are all in other states. I feel like I live in some small southern town in the center of the bible belt. I live in New Jersey damn it... where are the others D<?
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As I was proofreading this post (blame my former major in English), I psychoanalyzed it and realized something (blame my current major in Psychology). I have horrible self-esteem. I've seen gay men in my college, at stores, walking down the street. They're everywhere. But I automatically dispel them from my mind because I automatically assume that they'd never be into me. I used to be overweight and then became mega-anorexic and lost a lot of weight rapidly. My body is pretty much... stretch marks, lose skin, and my face. On an even more awkward note, thanks to a horrible mixture of nationalities, I'm very hairy, which doesn't match my personality at all. I'm too scared to shave because... I don't know how to do it without it looking really obvious :p. Plus then it'll only make the stretch marks and lose skin even more noticeable.
So an added issue that requires advice: how do I change what I can and accept what I can't so that I can be confident enough to love myself so that others can love me :3?
OKAY GO  .
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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i know how you feel winterstorm im lonely as well but i think you will find someone soon and your very young so you do have plenty of time
i always say to myself that im gonna find me a bf in the near future and thats what you should say to urself too also you do need to be confident in urself that way youll love others i do have a problem with loving myself but im trying my best to do so btw im very sure someone out there will love you from who you are not from what you look like because it comes from the heart not from the mind
and its understandable if you dont tell your parents right away even if you do get a bf when that day comes just let it out to them whenever you feel ready i hope this helps
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At first : You are young... no need to rush.
It is understandable that a guy in your age want that his wishes come true .. don´t be alone... have a bf ... building up a relationship and so on...
Maybe you should look into the newspapers.... there are sometimes contact-ads.. and these people are in your area.
But a much better way is to go out... and stay cool .. your Mr. Right will come.. not in 5 minutes... because he has to fed his white horse ;-)
A much more important point is that you should take care that your Mr. Right is not a Mr. Wrong... that can happen very easy if you rush and don´t check if he is your right partner... and it is always better to be a time without a partner as to wake up some day in a unloved and wrong relationship...
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yeah theres no rushing winterstorm, i know how hard it is and finding a partner can be hard, but you are still young and in probably 2 to 3years you will be able to ge inside bars. and its okay to be hairy! i find hairy men really attractive. for now just enjoy watching gay porn - hope that helps
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I'm in very much the same boat. I came out to my parents and a few friends, but I don't feel comfortable getting into the dating scene. Because I hid my sexuality for so long, I feel I'm somewhat behind the curb with knowing how to flirt, maintain their interest, and simply how to start a conversation with the end goal being to create enough interest to prompt another conversation.
Self esteem is also an issue with me, and it frustrates me that all of the dating advice I read online says that I need to be confident and not appear desperate, because I'm as uncertain and unconfident about dating as I am about predicting weather a year from now, and my desperation is compounding by the hour. That said, I have to believe that it's only a matter of time before someone in the same boat as me crosses my path and things work themselves out. You and I are a year apart. Assuming we guess conservatively and assume we will only live 80 years, we have still only completed 25% our our lives. Let's give it until 50 before we start worrying about dying alone. And if you ever want to talk, I'm on here all the time. Good luck dude.
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Try to make friends first, worry about whether the person is interested in you in that way afterward.
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Well now you've opened a can of worms.
I know exactly where you're coming from. Very briefly, I spent years feeling shit watching all of my friends get bf's/gf's and random sex, whilst I sat on the sidelines feeling miserable about my lack of luck. University ended without ever really having had a relationship, and I pretty much became resigned to this idea and started focusing on other goals in my life.
What are your bad thoughts about yourself and your situation?
I had a range of bad feelings and thoughts about my situation that prevented me from really learning and experiencing:
* Firstly living at home, I was filled with my parent's anxieties about life (alcohol, sex, etc) and didn't really feel I had the space to grow into an adult.
* I had a low self-esteem about my sexual worthiness, feeling I was unattractive physically and personality.
* I had issues letting people in, and pushed them away for fear of being hurt. I couldn't (and still struggle) to approach a guy for fear of being bullied.
* I had bad experiences with the gay community in the UK, being bullied and sidelined.
* I was afraid of sex
Now I look back, I changed each challenge I faced to enable me to have the space physically and mentally to experiment and learn. Once the problems had been identified, I think fixing them wasn't too tricky, it just needed patience and a lot of soul searching.
I learnt not to push people away by opening up more to my friends, to begin with, and to identify specific things I do to push people away and stop doing them. It was a combination of challenging myself with small steps (e.g. smiling at attractive guys) and to stop seeking the advice of others and formulate my own advice. These two things, IMO, give us confidence in our own intelligence and worth, which help repair our self-esteem.
I learnt to avoid people who were unhealthy for me. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it's time to cut them out of your life. A friend who makes you feel like you're stupid or ugly is not a friend. No one deserves to be made to feel bad about themselves. If you're a nice sensitive guy like me, the best way to deal with these people IMO is simply to remove them from your presence. The bullies in the gay community, I simply cut them out of my life. I can say I never felt better!
I realised that sex was not just sex, it was sharing an intimate part of yourself with someone, even if just a quick fuck. You have to be willing to share that with someone, and to accept the emotions and sensations for what they are. The more stereotypes and expectations, the more lost one will feel, in my opinion. It's a case of letting go and seeking a shared fun experiment.
I've gone to Canada for a working holiday. I've left my parents and also left what I consider to be the hostile British gay scene behind. People are more laid back here, which perhaps is better for me. Within two weeks of Canada, I met a nice guy. I think going to a different environment can allow us to open up and experiment without the same pressures. One thing I've realised is that meaningful relationships come naturally. That doesn't mean you can't try out different things until that happens, and though trying out different things it will help prepare you for a more meaningful relationship.
Be willing to experiment, consider that your current preconceptions are probably wrong, and try to identify what your frustrations are and what you could do to remove them.
Lastly, drink is overrated. If you feel anxious, don't drink. People say it helps you relax, and that's because they're not feeling anxious. I'll say it once more, don't drink. Cola is fine. Just one more time for good measure, don't drink.
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Winter youll find someone  Believe me Ive had like so many guys interested in me its not even funny and I used to be exactly like you in the thought process Just tell yourself you'll find someone but you have to wait
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Thank you guys so much for your support and advice . It's nice to know that others understand and have pushed through it!
musicman2229 Wrote:Self esteem is also an issue with me, and it frustrates me that all of the dating advice I read online says that I need to be confident and not appear desperate, because I'm as uncertain and unconfident about dating as I am about predicting weather a year from now, and my desperation is compounding by the hour. That said, I have to believe that it's only a matter of time before someone in the same boat as me crosses my path and things work themselves out. You and I are a year apart. Assuming we guess conservatively and assume we will only live 80 years, we have still only completed 25% our our lives. Let's give it until 50 before we start worrying about dying alone. And if you ever want to talk, I'm on here all the time. Good luck dude.
I try so hard not to appear desperate, but... it's difficult not to be xD. Thank you so much for all your help and advice . I know what you mean about feeling behind with dating. I've never even been on a date. I don't even know what to do and what it would consist of .
OrphanPip Wrote:Try to make friends first, worry about whether the person is interested in you in that way afterward.
I'm probably the slowest-moving person ever, so I mean, while I want a boyfriend ASAP, I wouldn't date the first guy I bump into on the street xD. I guess the problem is that I don't even really know where to find gay people to be friends. The only people I'm able to realize are gay are the ones who have men on their arms. And by that time it's already to late :p.
To a degree I guess me wanting to take things slow is crippling me as well. I only met two gay men in real life (both of whom moved away anyway), and neither of them were my type because they both moved way too fast (and for personality reasons too). The first wanted to have sex after only knowing each other a short while and I turned him down, the second wanted to kiss after we met for the first time and I turned him down. Am I too slow :p?
Paul1 Wrote:Well now you've opened a can of worms.
What are your bad thoughts about yourself and your situation?
I had a range of bad feelings and thoughts about my situation that prevented me from really learning and experiencing:
* Firstly living at home, I was filled with my parent's anxieties about life (alcohol, sex, etc) and didn't really feel I had the space to grow into an adult.
* I had a low self-esteem about my sexual worthiness, feeling I was unattractive physically and personality.
* I had issues letting people in, and pushed them away for fear of being hurt. I couldn't (and still struggle) to approach a guy for fear of being bullied.
* I had bad experiences with the gay community in the UK, being bullied and sidelined.
* I was afraid of sex
Wow, these pretty much sum up my worries. I don't have to worry about alcohol at home, but my parents are way too controlling over my life, even at 20, so that doesn't help. As for low self-esteem, I have body dysmorphic disorder and anorexia, so I constantly put myself down. It's not even my face, I like my face. It's... everything else. Sometimes I have the confidence to go out somewhere and try to be super nice and outgoing so that maybe I'll meet some nice men as friends (who would possibly end up being a boyfriend in the future), but then I think, "What's the point? My body is too ugly and they'd be disgusted".
As for sex... I'm TERRIFIED of anal sex, to the point where I sometimes identify myself as asexual. I'm attracted to men... and certain parts of them ;D... but anal sex just doesn't do anything for me. Not that I've ever tried it but, I find it kind of gross to be honest (not judging others, I just wouldn't want it done to me). Plus I'm really sensitive to pain, so I don't see that working out well in any aspect.
Paul1 Wrote:I learnt to avoid people who were unhealthy for me. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it's time to cut them out of your life. A friend who makes you feel like you're stupid or ugly is not a friend. No one deserves to be made to feel bad about themselves. If you're a nice sensitive guy like me, the best way to deal with these people IMO is simply to remove them from your presence. The bullies in the gay community, I simply cut them out of my life. I can say I never felt better!
I guess this is also my fear when it comes to my body. I feel like even if I meet gay men, they'll judge me and disapprove of how I look. I used to have an online gay friend who constantly judged others on their appearance. He didn't even know what I looked like, nor ever directed anything towards me, but it still severely impacted my self-esteem and was kind of the last straw that pushed me towards anorexia. I since blocked him and haven't spoken to him for over a year, but it still gave me a horrible perspective.
Paul1 Wrote:Lastly, drink is overrated. If you feel anxious, don't drink. People say it helps you relax, and that's because they're not feeling anxious. I'll say it once more, don't drink. Cola is fine. Just one more time for good measure, don't drink.
That's pretty much the one thing I feel confident enough to defend myself against xD. I don't have a problem with other people drinking, and so long as it's within moderation I wouldn't care if a future boyfriend drank, I just have absolutely no interest in it myself. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one against it though... I feel secluded sometimes because all of my friends drink.
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Glad you could relate
Body image is an amusing one really. We'll never look as young and hot as we do now, no matter how thin or fat we are. I'm chubby and I'm sure I was fat in the past. Gay men somehow go about looking so perfect, so I felt frustrated I couldn't get my body to look like that. Luckily in Canada the first thing you see in Loblaws is fruit. Chatter aside, anorexia of course should be treated with the help of your GP, need I go on! Anyway, you'd be surprised what guys go for. You already had two guys after you, so clearly you are attractive. It's the same with anyone, some guys go for thin, some for medium, some for chubby, some for fat, some for short and some for tall and etc.
Of course you never have to do anything you don't want to. If you don't want to get fucked, then a good BJ or hand job works just as well. I wouldn't completely dismiss the idea of anal sex right off, it's not that painful if you just stick three fingers in your ass and massage before you let them stick in their cock. You've also got to masturbate as they do their thing, it'll make it much more enjoyable. I was pretty much against the idea on pain grounds (don't care about the poop thing), but if you just accept the different sensations as they come, use lots of lube and take your time, it can be really enjoyable.
To expand, there's nothing wrong with kissing a guy. It doesn't have to entail sex afterwards. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with getting into bed with a guy and then changing your mind. You needn't explain yourself, a simple, "Sorry I'm really tired, I worked all day and I'm not up for this tonight" will do. The guys I've slept with have all been sensitive to my mood and needs. Sometimes it just doesn't go right. It's nothing wrong with you, it's just the compatibility wasn't quite right.
I'm not against alcohol per se. It's just that sometimes, with things like depression and anorexia, alcohol can cause damage. People sometimes use it as a coping mechanism, but they misunderstand how it works. It enhances your mood. It may make you relax initially, but repeated use also has another side effect of acting on your brain to induce low mood, the result of repeated use. And then that low mood gets "enhanced". Your brain can take a good few weeks to recover from the damage, so alcohol is more of a treat than a life line.
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