Terribly confused and feeling really low

[toomuch45]

hi angus i do agree with mrk i think you should calm down and hold on tight
ooh btw i live in georgia too so if you want someone to talk to im here to always help you and you have others here to help you too.

[posterpicture]

That was all that happened but in the morning when we spoke about it he became pretty defensive and claimed that 'he was just missing his girlfriend'. A couple of nights later, I put my arm around him again like before but he said that he didn't want me to do that and turned away which I found really hurtful. He again claimed that it was because he missed his girlfriend, but I remember the way he was with me that night and I think it was more than that.

-Angus

I normally don't know what to tell curious guys because I believe whatever come will come to you guys. Just don't fight it.
And for this part, he turned away because of what you did. You rejected him first so of course he felt offended and being queeny.
Also, he maybe in a denial state himself. ( I found your friend is pretty homo as you describe in the story).
Give each other time but remember that your love one WON'T walk into your life everyday. If you let he goes, he maybe gone forever.

[angus18]

I normally don't know what to tell curious guys because I believe whatever come will come to you guys. Just don't fight it.
And for this part, he turned away because of what you did. You rejected him first so of course he felt offended and being queeny.
Also, he maybe in a denial state himself. ( I found your friend is pretty homo as you describe in the story).
Give each other time but remember that your love one WON'T walk into your life everyday. If you let he goes, he maybe gone forever.

I'm beginning to accept more and more that those feelings, wherever they came from have become real. They must be to pull my heart strings this much.

I spoke to a girl I know who came out as bisexual a few years back who is one of the kindest and most genuine people that I have ever met and wouldn't say things to get my hopes up. She went through an almost identical situation to mine and couldn't understand the feelings she was having and was very confused. Her and a friend had loads of intimate encounters with each other, but her friend always denied the meaning behind it. In the end it all came out that her friend wanted her all along but just couldn't admit it.

She told me a lot of things but importantly she said "I don't want to put ideas into your head but from what you've described your friend has those feelings for you and if he doesn't ill eat my hat. He's just further behind on the path than you are." She also observed when I was telling her about everything that his girlfriend might be a massive coping/denial method for his feelings, especially because he throws literally everything in his life at her. Yet he can't be in love with her because of what happened between us, which was pretty much instigated by him.

Like you said I'm not going to fight it anymore, but I don't think it's a great idea to push it for the time being because he really believes his girlfriend is his world. My bisexual friend said to just to wait it out and don't make a big deal out of it to him because he may panic and it might ruin the chances of it happening again. But she also said don't will it to happen because then it wont happen and just go with the flow of things, trying not to be disappointed if things don't happen straight away. But because we have had that first encounter, he'll seek it again sometime. She finally said that for now though, it's going to be a pretty rough time for a while and all sorts of emotions are going to be flying around, but that it'l be worth it in the end whether it happens between us or not because I'll learn a lot about myself.

I guess I kinda did reject him first. I should have maybe said that it was all going a little quickly for me, but I didn't really give him an explanation at the time. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.

[Paul1]

Haha well clearly he doesn't know what his sexuality is. I'd say it might not be necessary to cut him off, unless you have always been having difficulties with him in other ways. Obviously you have some bad feelings arise when you see him. If he's not doing or saying anything to upset you, then it's important to identify what the feelings are and what thoughts are causing them. If you cut him off, you might miss a great opportunity to work out what all of this has meant to you, and could risk repeating it again.

So without further ado: How do you feel about your friendship with him? What did the sexual incident mean to you? Did you enjoy it? Did you dislike it? Did it inspire curiosity or bring about feelings of violation? Are you happy/angry with your friend? Why?

Paul1 - Man! You are like the voice of wisdom right there, I read that with a big smile across my face!! Thank you.

Although what has happened with my friend lately has been a difficult time, I have the feeling that it was necessary for me to move on. If I didn't start to have those feelings about my friend (whatever they may be) and all this never happened, then it would have never brought up that stuff from my past... and therefore it would still be manifesting and repressed. Over the past few days I have told a few people very close to me EVERYTHING that happened to me, and they couldn't have been more understanding. I've had amazing people around me to help me through difficult times all along, but didn't pursue it and instead became isolated. Which is never a good coping method. Because of that, I actually feel that I will be able to be with people again in the future. But like you said, I'm going to take it very slowly for the time being.

The truth is, I never took the time to actually bother feeling. I threw myself into so many other things and convinced myself that I was okay and in the end I actually believed it. But it stayed there and became like a pressure cooker over those years.

I think you've really hit the nail on the head when you describe how I've been feeling with regards to him and his girl. I always get the stronger negative feelings when I feel that he's ignoring me, directly because of her or if she interrupts our time together. That really did feel like a slap in the face when he rejected me like that. I genuinely only wanted to hug him but he wasn't having any of it and wouldn't admit that there was more to what happened a couple nights previous. He definitely didn't think I was a girl put it that way! Haha

I haven't been able to think very rationally these past few days, but reading your reply, I think it's obvious that he was scared, not about what happened, but the fact that it MEANT something to him and claiming that he was missing his girlfriend was a way to detach that meaning because he's afraid of what he feels. I'm beginning to remember bits and pieces of the night and he said things like "I don't think I'm bisexual... well maybe a little, but I don't know". I think he doesn't really know what he wants to be honest.

Finally, you may consider this extreme, but that's just the way my mind works I'm afraid. I considered just never seeing him or contacting him again. I know that is taking desperate measures but I just don't want to feel bad anymore. Whether those feelings are real or misguided, that doesn't take them away and often just when I start feeling good again something comes and stirs it up. However without a doubt, he IS my best friend and to lose him like that would be crushing. Perhaps I'm attempting to look for answers far too quickly and in an emotionally charged state. What would you say to that? Thank you so much again! You've made my day.

Posterpicture raises an interesting point. This isn't a bad thing at all. As you wouldn't let him touch your penis, perhaps he felt rejected, and this defensiveness is his way of trying to hide his own embarrassment or sense of rejection. So perhaps you both unintentionally rejected each other. It struck me that your bisexual lady friend makes a lot of good logical points, and I agree that letting it settle for now, including within yourself, is the best thing.

Now maybe I'm wrong, other forum members can rubbish this last comment if they like, but... I bet you, if, in the distant future, you both had quite a bit of alcohol and you whipped out your penis in front of him, he'd be rather shocked. The onus to be rejected would be on you then, which might make it easier for him.

[dfiant]

Wow, it's like you are trapped inside of a tornado, my goodness you have a lot going on right now.

If I were to sit down and talk with you I would be taking you back further than any relationship you have had, because I believe your behaviour is a result of something that has happened at a significant time in your life, probably something around the onset of puberty and/or during puberty.

I get the feeling that someone important left you when you needed them most and there is something unresolved within you as a result and you seem to be picking the wrong people or pushing the right people away from you because you are afraid of being left again?

Is it possible that something has happened a long time ago that you haven't dealt with yet?

I would also be inclined to advise you to sit down with your friend and explain to him what you were feeling when he got a girlfriend and what you were feeling when you had the intimate encounter.

Friendships and relationships that are meant to be will survive honesty, but will usually fail in the absence of honesty.

All the best

[angus18]

Paul1 - Not at all, that is the only thing between us. We are literally the best of friends and get on like a house on fire. I agree with that, I think I was afraid before of what I was feeling, whatever it may be I've come to terms with it a little more now and I think whatever happens between me and him in the future it will be a learning experience.

How do you feel about your friendship with him? I'm happy with it for the time being, I'm still really uncertain on how I feel though and if it's genuine. I'm just very confused.

What did the sexual incident mean to you? It DID mean something to me, but not the obvious reason. It didn't turn me on, but whether that's because everything happened so fast I just don't know. I wanted to just be close and hug him and when he took my hand and placed it on his thing, I just sort of went along with it without thinking really. I was happy to do it because I thought it might make him happy or like me more in some strange manner. He then tried putting his hands on mine but I just instinctually refused, despite the large volume of alcohol we'd consumed something just didn't feel right about it. Who knows.

Did it inspire curiosity or bring about feelings of violation? It didn't bring about feelings of violation, but it did make me curious although not turned on and I find it strange that I continued to do it to him. I know this is a bit twisted and not very healthy, but I'd do it again as well purely for the fact that he would like it. Does that seem to be kind of desperate?

Are you happy/angry with your friend? I am actually a mixture of both. But the anger is quite superficial when I think about it. Im happy that it happened, but I'm very confused as to whether my feelings have become convoluted and I was just very flattered by what he told me. But I have had strong feelings about him before all this. The anger part is that he didn't want me to hug him again and that he denied it meant anything to him. I said to him at time "I think this is what you really want though" which he replied "no it really isn't", which really hurt and made me feel low. The reason I say superficial anger is because when I think about it. It's obviously a very difficult situation for him. He has a girlfriend, which he truly believes he is madly in love with. It will make his feelings a lot harder to come to terms with coupled with the fact that he has SERIOUSLY repressed them. I can't expect him to just open up and tell me everything.

That's what I think his defensiveness may be as well actually combined with repressing his feelings. My bisexual friend said that she always felt like a total idiot and ashamed when the girl she was into rejected her sexual advances.

Haha yeah your right. Im sure that would take him by surprise. I think that now, he thinks that I don't like him in that way. He said something to me the other day that I now believe was a kind of jokey innuendo. We were talking and saying how much drinking had made us feel ill after our hang out and he said "Oh yeh, that combined with the fact that we got nowhere near enough sleep ;O" and I said "What do you mean?" but then he said "because alcohol disrupts your sleep pattern". Did I just unintentionally reject him AGAIN? Maybe I'm over thinking everything but it seemed like he panicked that I didn't like his joke and jumped back to the defensive.


dfiant - You're absolutely right about me pushing away the right people. It's only just hit me how isolated I was and it just makes no sense why I've pushed really great people away and not given others a chance. It's funny you should say about something happening before my first relationships. Although the incident with that girl majorly shaped my personality, I know that I'd always had those kind of alienated and inferior feelings before. I wish I could recall but I really don't have many memories of childhood actually. I wish there was something that I could think back to. It's quite a blank area for me.

I think that a large part of my current situation, is the circumstances in which me and my friend became closer. Like I said before, he admired me and looked up to me at a time when I felt that nobody really wanted me. I just ran with it and gave him everything, like an emotional flood gate had been opened and it just built into this mess from there. I just wish I knew how he felt but I don't want to risk alienating him or for him to feel that I'm accusing him