SecretLust Wrote:True, it's the percentage that ultimately counts. I just don't want to go down the wrong path believing I'm something I'm not, I suppose experience is the best teacher. Although, at 26 I'm still a virgin, due to social anxiety and, of course, the confusion of what my orientation is.
SecretLust are you still checking in here at GaySpeak? If so, I might have some thoughts for you on your situation. I felt similarly and I was 35 y/o virgin!
I often felt my sexuality was like a pendulum, swinging from gay to straight, and sometimes I still feel that way. I think labels suck, they're too limiting, but I chose the bi- label because it's convenient--not ACCURATE, just *convenient*.
Best wishes.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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who would make your life more successful. generally you get to only pick one in a relationship.
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LateBloomer Wrote:SecretLust are you still checking in here at GaySpeak? If so, I might have some thoughts for you on your situation. I felt similarly and I was 35 y/o virgin!
I often felt my sexuality was like a pendulum, swinging from gay to straight, and sometimes I still feel that way. I think labels suck, they're too limiting, but I chose the bi- label because it's convenient--not ACCURATE, just *convenient*.
Best wishes.
Just checked in today. I'd be happy to hear your thoughts!
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SecretLust Wrote:Just checked in today. I'd be happy to hear your thoughts!
Hey welcome back.
Well, I don't have any *specific* thoughts at this moment. Basically, my post was meant more as an invitation to bounce ideas of off me because you wrote a couple things that really struck a chord with me.
You mentioned "social anxiety". You mentioned being a 26 y/o virgin. You also mentioned a certain "ambiguity" with respect to your sexual attraction and some doubt as to whether or not your feelings towards men was the result of some subconscious "compensation".
Those are all the same things I felt and experienced when I was your age. I already mentioned my "pendulum" (that is to say, I never felt simultaneously attracted to men and women, but I would swing from one "polarity" to the other). And here's the part that may draw some fire from the gay community, but let's be honest: I tended to feel gay when my self-esteem was lowest, when I felt crappy about life.
Gay men who have always identified as gay and are rightly proud of being gay don't like to hear such negative and disparaging characterizations of homosexuality, but I'm sorry, sexuality is just too complicated a subject to always say, "we are born this way." We're NOT--or at least, some of us are NOT. Some of us do CHOOSE (either consciously or subconsciously) to "take a walk on the wild side". And that statement is not meant in any way, shape or form to justify one shred of discrimination that might be advanced because some bigot thinks it's "sick".
Uh....so I'm off on a tangent because I felt like I needed to play a little defense right off the bat. Apologies.
Back to my invitation...
I just want to let you know that I think I might have walked the same path you're walking now and even though I'm still walking I'd be willing to trace back my steps if you'd like to continue the dialogue, either right here in this thread or via private message. Especially on the subject of social anxiety. I was a quite the recluse for many years and even though I'm better about getting out now I'm still a very private and quiet person.
No matter what, just hang in there and realize eventually most of these issues will resolve themselves, sooner or later. And some issues you will ALWAYS struggle with.
I am STILL under the influence of the pendulum to some extent, but I've learned to live with it.
Ok, that's enough for now.
Best wishes.
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I consider myself bisexual, and I have a girlfriend but I am much more attracted to men and I have discreet encounters often. Is that fair or the right thing to do to my girlfriend? No, I care for her and she's a great girl, but I am not sexually attracted to her - I am in the relationship to appear 'normal' to my family and friends, though I prefer men sexually and emotionally,
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i sort of went through the same thing, lots of thinking about things and anxieties, but i eventually got fed up with the fear and embraced what i want to do, and who i want to be, and i still have hurdles to overcome, but i surly feel a lot better about myself as i am now. by embracing who i am, my confidence has sky rocketed, and for once in my life i am happy. i never knew it could be so easy, which lets me know i had been struggling for a very long time.
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LateBloomer Wrote:Hey welcome back.
Well, I don't have any *specific* thoughts at this moment. Basically, my post was meant more as an invitation to bounce ideas of off me because you wrote a couple things that really struck a chord with me.
You mentioned "social anxiety". You mentioned being a 26 y/o virgin. You also mentioned a certain "ambiguity" with respect to your sexual attraction and some doubt as to whether or not your feelings towards men was the result of some subconscious "compensation".
Those are all the same things I felt and experienced when I was your age. I already mentioned my "pendulum" (that is to say, I never felt simultaneously attracted to men and women, but I would swing from one "polarity" to the other). And here's the part that may draw some fire from the gay community, but let's be honest: I tended to feel gay when my self-esteem was lowest, when I felt crappy about life.
Gay men who have always identified as gay and are rightly proud of being gay don't like to hear such negative and disparaging characterizations of homosexuality, but I'm sorry, sexuality is just too complicated a subject to always say, "we are born this way." We're NOT--or at least, some of us are NOT. Some of us do CHOOSE (either consciously or subconsciously) to "take a walk on the wild side". And that statement is not meant in any way, shape or form to justify one shred of discrimination that might be advanced because some bigot thinks it's "sick".
Uh....so I'm off on a tangent because I felt like I needed to play a little defense right off the bat. Apologies.
Back to my invitation...
I just want to let you know that I think I might have walked the same path you're walking now and even though I'm still walking I'd be willing to trace back my steps if you'd like to continue the dialogue, either right here in this thread or via private message. Especially on the subject of social anxiety. I was a quite the recluse for many years and even though I'm better about getting out now I'm still a very private and quiet person.
No matter what, just hang in there and realize eventually most of these issues will resolve themselves, sooner or later. And some issues you will ALWAYS struggle with.
I am STILL under the influence of the pendulum to some extent, but I've learned to live with it.
Ok, that's enough for now.
Best wishes.
Well, I think there are multiple reasons for being gay, and if there is an inherent psychological "flaw" in some of them there might be a similar flaw in heterosexual individuals. There was an interesting article I was reading about how childhood experiences can affect someone's subsequent orientation, this was just a theory.
Honestly, I have heard from someone else about a personal link between social anxiety, low self-esteem, and homosexual thoughts, the "pendulum" you speak of I've experienced myself. I think I've gotten into this strong, ingrained habit of being attracted to other guys especially when I'm feeling bad about myself, but this happens in general too.
Like I said, I believe there are multiple reasons for being attracted to men, it's not a fully understood subject.
Anyway, thanks for the reply! I might take you up on that PM offer later.
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SecretLust Wrote:Well, I think there are multiple reasons for being gay, and if there is an inherent psychological "flaw" in some of them there might be a similar flaw in heterosexual individuals. There was an interesting article I was reading about how childhood experiences can affect someone's subsequent orientation, this was just a theory.
Honestly, I have heard from someone else about a personal link between social anxiety, low self-esteem, and homosexual thoughts, the "pendulum" you speak of I've experienced myself. I think I've gotten into this strong, ingrained habit of being attracted to other guys especially when I'm feeling bad about myself, but this happens in general too.
Like I said, I believe there are multiple reasons for being attracted to men, it's not a fully understood subject.
Anyway, thanks for the reply! I might take you up on that PM offer later.
No prob. Consider it an open invitation.
And yes, I agree there are as many theories about what "trips our triggers" as there are guys with cocks.
I've simply come to the point in my life where I don't judge any of it--as long as it's between two consenting adults of course. And I also think in all of human history there's never been a better time to be accepting of all the different experiences that can be had in the world. Still, we have a long way to go, but it all starts with love (of our self and others).
Peace.
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at the end of the day its all a matter of what makes you happy
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chicagostyle Wrote:at the end of the day its all a matter of what makes you happy
yup... totally agree
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