My boyfriend won't bottom!

[jonrx26]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and I’ve never liked anyone as much as him. He’s the first guy I’ve loved unconditionally and often it feels I could spend the rest of my life with him.

The problem is that even though we both fancy each other a lot he refuses to bottom for me. I’m completely versatile myself meaning I like it and need it both ways and in roughly equal proportions. I’ve made this very clear to my boyfriend but despite listening to me he hasn’t made any effort to work on this. I’ve tried to explain him how I feel and also tried to get him interested with some light proactive play in the bedroom but he’s clearly uncomfortable with the whole idea of being a bottom. I also recently told him that I’m feeling frustrated and neglected but to no avail. I feel I’ve done everything I can to solve this and I’m starting to lose all hope.

Part of me understands that he has no previous experience, especially as I only started bottoming myself when I was 24 (I’m 26 now and my bf is 21). Then again all my partners before that were happy with me being the top so it never had to come to me refusing to bottom for anyone. Also at age 24 when I did start bottoming I did it both because I’d always been curious and also because I knew my bf at the time wanted it even though he never tried to persuade me into it. It was more about me anticipating his needs.

So it’s been 8 months now and I’ve become sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. After trying to approach this with my bf I’ve started to believe that he’s not that interested in me having a good time at all. This whole thing is messing with my head so much because I’ve always seen him as very caring and selfless, I also know that he fancies me very much and he definitely wants to be boyfriends with me. I really don’t know what to do about this. I know some couples have agreed to have open relationships to deal with these sorts of problems but this is definitely not what I want, definitely not at age 26!!

Any comments or thoughts would be most appreciated!

[Jayd]

He might be afraid of bottoming for a number of reasons. One reason I am sometimes afraid of bottoming, even in a long relationship, is the prevalence of AIDS/HIV among gay males. I have to know someones hiv status before I go through with anything. Either that or use a condom. Sometimes guys don't like to be bottom because they are afraid of fecal matter leaking out. Maybe you could suggest to him using an enima? Another reason is because it can be sometimes painful, see if he is interested in any anal plugs dildos before actually bottoming him. If he opens up to that, he could open up to you.

I don't think this is something you should lose him over though. I think if you give him more time he will come to terms with the idea. Just identify a specific reason why he doesn't want to particiapate in bottoming and see if you can get him over that and to adjust. If it is something the relationship depends upon in the long term, be sure to inform him of that! Sounds like you already have! Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

[OrphanPip]

Asking if he is willing to participate in other forms of anal play is reasonable approach. Although, to be fair I don't think it is right to pressure him into doing it. What if he simply doesn't enjoy it, or just finds it painful? That's always a possibility even if he does try it.

[marshlander]

You may be in a relationship, but it is his body. If he can't or won't share it with you in the way you want it has to be his decision. Obviously if there are consequences he will have to accept them. Sorry you are finding this difficult, but your description sounds like pressure. I can only imagine how he is experiencing it.

[pellaz]

my partner was that way, people change slowly

[SleepTalker]

Well i have no experience in this, but I think it's best to take things slowly. Although eight months is a pretty long time. I guess the best thing to do in this situation is to make him feel as comfortable as possible and just insert a finger during sex. I think after doing this a few times he may feel more comfortable and be willing to take the next step.

[ToddYoung]

Mmm. I kind of always have been on top. I don't like bottoming. I have done it, though usually it has been when I'm really in love with someone.

Honestly, though, I wouldn't put too much pressure on him. Sexual frustration is a hell of a lot worse when you're alone.

I think the idea of trying to get him to use something small and painless might be a good way to start. I virtually never do it, though I do know it is pleasurable.

[dfiant]

I wouldn't bottom for anyone, no matter how much I loved them...there is nothing in the world that would/could/will encourage me to bottom.

I think you are being a bit selfish expecting him to bottom for you when quiet clearly his does not want to, and then laying a guilt trip on him, what a horrible thing to do to a person just for 2 minutes of sexual gratification. You have to work out if you truely love him or you are in a sexual relationship.

[dfiant]

you need to make him want to take it. Do this by making love not just sex. Massage him, lick him down there. If I could teach what I'm trying to say I'd make $

uhmmm...rape someone to make them want something?

[bariuke]

Everyone's different. Some people are tops, and some people are bottoms. In Japan, it's generally accepted that a top doesn't do bottom, and bottoms don't do top unless someone specifically states otherwise, so nobody assumes or expects anyone to do something that isn't their preferred role.

I've learned to think the same way: If someone's a top, I assume that they don't bottom, or at least don't like to do it as much, and vice-versa. Your boyfriend's a top. Deal with it.

When a hetero man complains that his girlfriend won't do anal, he doesn't get any sympathy. The basic response is "too bad." It sucks that your boyfriend won't do it, but it seems that he's just not into it. If getting sex the way you want it is that important, maybe finding a guy who will go both ways is a good idea.

You either love him and deal with it, or leave him and find someone else.