09-02-2011, 12:15 PM
I am sorry for using this forum to vent my own thoughts and feelings right after just registering for it, but I'm still in this transition period of getting used to identifying myself as gay inside my own head. I know it's selfish, but I really want to talk to others about my thoughts and feelings while going through this, because it's a bit overwhelming trying to deal with them by myself.
I've lived my life until now "straight," so my personal identity has been the same; I've always thought of myself as being a straight man. A few weeks ago, I gathered all my thoughts, reflected on my life, and realized and accepted that I'm gay, and while I know and accept this fact, my personal identity inside my mind that I have had for my entire life is still in "straight mode," so I become surprised whenever I have "gay" thoughts.
Until recently, I was a straight man who just happened to have sexual thoughts about other men amongst my fantasies. During this time I was leading a heterosexual life, so my romantic and non-sexual thoughts dealing with love and relationships featured me and a woman. Just little harmless romantic thoughts: I'd picture myself holding a woman, or walking down the street with a woman clinging to my arm, or dancing with a woman, or asking a woman to marry me (too many "or's" in this sentence), you know, typical "man" date things.
Now, since I have accepted myself as gay, it feels like I'm "becoming gay" (for lack of a better term). Men are being increasingly more attractive, and women less attractive, and I'm catching myself thinking about things I previously didn't (and surprising myself when I realize what I'm doing). I was watching "The Holiday" with a friend, and I was thinking "Wow. Jude Law is so... Oh my god! Where did that thought come from?!"
Anyway, what's really getting to me now is that, for the first time I'm having non-sexual thoughts about men. All those little romantic daydreams I mentioned above I had again, but this time the roles were reversed. Now, a man was holding me. I was clinging to a man's arm while walking down the street. I was dancing with a man. I even imagined a man proposing to me. And i liked it. I was imagining myself in the "woman" role (once again for lack of a better term). I was thinking about these things, and I was getting giddy, and it felt SO good, so much better and more desirable than any thoughts I had about women, and suddenly I was like "Oh my god oh my god oh my god! I've never had thoughts like that before! What the fuck is going on!?"
Because it's scary. It's shocking and it's scary. I don't recall ever feeling this good. I couldn't really handle it. It's like a feeling when something you longed for for a such a long time finally happens, and you're so amazed that you just can't believe it yet. It felt... liberating. I imagined a man who had been locked in a cell for years, and when he finally gets free, he's in such awe that he's asking himself whether or not he's just hallucinating. That's how I feel, and it's kinda hard to deal with on my own.
I've lived my life until now "straight," so my personal identity has been the same; I've always thought of myself as being a straight man. A few weeks ago, I gathered all my thoughts, reflected on my life, and realized and accepted that I'm gay, and while I know and accept this fact, my personal identity inside my mind that I have had for my entire life is still in "straight mode," so I become surprised whenever I have "gay" thoughts.
Until recently, I was a straight man who just happened to have sexual thoughts about other men amongst my fantasies. During this time I was leading a heterosexual life, so my romantic and non-sexual thoughts dealing with love and relationships featured me and a woman. Just little harmless romantic thoughts: I'd picture myself holding a woman, or walking down the street with a woman clinging to my arm, or dancing with a woman, or asking a woman to marry me (too many "or's" in this sentence), you know, typical "man" date things.
Now, since I have accepted myself as gay, it feels like I'm "becoming gay" (for lack of a better term). Men are being increasingly more attractive, and women less attractive, and I'm catching myself thinking about things I previously didn't (and surprising myself when I realize what I'm doing). I was watching "The Holiday" with a friend, and I was thinking "Wow. Jude Law is so... Oh my god! Where did that thought come from?!"
Anyway, what's really getting to me now is that, for the first time I'm having non-sexual thoughts about men. All those little romantic daydreams I mentioned above I had again, but this time the roles were reversed. Now, a man was holding me. I was clinging to a man's arm while walking down the street. I was dancing with a man. I even imagined a man proposing to me. And i liked it. I was imagining myself in the "woman" role (once again for lack of a better term). I was thinking about these things, and I was getting giddy, and it felt SO good, so much better and more desirable than any thoughts I had about women, and suddenly I was like "Oh my god oh my god oh my god! I've never had thoughts like that before! What the fuck is going on!?"
Because it's scary. It's shocking and it's scary. I don't recall ever feeling this good. I couldn't really handle it. It's like a feeling when something you longed for for a such a long time finally happens, and you're so amazed that you just can't believe it yet. It felt... liberating. I imagined a man who had been locked in a cell for years, and when he finally gets free, he's in such awe that he's asking himself whether or not he's just hallucinating. That's how I feel, and it's kinda hard to deal with on my own.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
mile:
