Feels like I'm "turning" gay

[bariuke]

I am sorry for using this forum to vent my own thoughts and feelings right after just registering for it, but I'm still in this transition period of getting used to identifying myself as gay inside my own head. I know it's selfish, but I really want to talk to others about my thoughts and feelings while going through this, because it's a bit overwhelming trying to deal with them by myself.

I've lived my life until now "straight," so my personal identity has been the same; I've always thought of myself as being a straight man. A few weeks ago, I gathered all my thoughts, reflected on my life, and realized and accepted that I'm gay, and while I know and accept this fact, my personal identity inside my mind that I have had for my entire life is still in "straight mode," so I become surprised whenever I have "gay" thoughts.

Until recently, I was a straight man who just happened to have sexual thoughts about other men amongst my fantasies. During this time I was leading a heterosexual life, so my romantic and non-sexual thoughts dealing with love and relationships featured me and a woman. Just little harmless romantic thoughts: I'd picture myself holding a woman, or walking down the street with a woman clinging to my arm, or dancing with a woman, or asking a woman to marry me (too many "or's" in this sentence), you know, typical "man" date things.

Now, since I have accepted myself as gay, it feels like I'm "becoming gay" (for lack of a better term). Men are being increasingly more attractive, and women less attractive, and I'm catching myself thinking about things I previously didn't (and surprising myself when I realize what I'm doing). I was watching "The Holiday" with a friend, and I was thinking "Wow. Jude Law is so... Oh my god! Where did that thought come from?!"

Anyway, what's really getting to me now is that, for the first time I'm having non-sexual thoughts about men. All those little romantic daydreams I mentioned above I had again, but this time the roles were reversed. Now, a man was holding me. I was clinging to a man's arm while walking down the street. I was dancing with a man. I even imagined a man proposing to me. And i liked it. I was imagining myself in the "woman" role (once again for lack of a better term). I was thinking about these things, and I was getting giddy, and it felt SO good, so much better and more desirable than any thoughts I had about women, and suddenly I was like "Oh my god oh my god oh my god! I've never had thoughts like that before! What the fuck is going on!?"

Because it's scary. It's shocking and it's scary. I don't recall ever feeling this good. I couldn't really handle it. It's like a feeling when something you longed for for a such a long time finally happens, and you're so amazed that you just can't believe it yet. It felt... liberating. I imagined a man who had been locked in a cell for years, and when he finally gets free, he's in such awe that he's asking himself whether or not he's just hallucinating. That's how I feel, and it's kinda hard to deal with on my own.

[Jay]

Bariuke, you don't need to say sorry at all. One of many purposes of this forum is to express thoughts. Use this forum to express yourself as much as possible.

The transition from 'straight' to 'gay' will be not be easy at first. But you will eventually and slowly accept it.

My experience was different from yours but yet I feel that I can relate to your experience. I come from a religious background and was molded to think as a straight guy even though deep down I know that I am gay. I experienced 'culture shock' when I learned to accept homosexuality. It's a new world. A new experience with a different 'culture'.

It took me few years to get used to everything.

Because it's scary. It's shocking and it's scary. I don't recall ever feeling this good. I couldn't really handle it. It's like a feeling when something you longed for for a such a long time finally happens, and you're so amazed that you just can't believe it yet. It felt... liberating. I imagined a man who had been locked in a cell for years, and when he finally gets free, he's in such awe that he's asking himself whether or not he's just hallucinating. That's how I feel, and it's kinda hard to deal with on my own.

That's how I felt too. As I've mentioned in a different post, life isn't just about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. You have found yours and now you are in the process of creating it.

Congrats Bariuke.

[pellaz]

-there is nothing less morally different between gay and straight, just one is the prevalent accepted path.
-culture dependent but in n america, its a good time to be gay.

for me; thinking i am gay, happened at a time where circumstances required i evaluate lots of things in my life. Sexual preference was apparently one thing that needed to change. I came out of this process ahead with a little more self confidence, it felt good. it happened at a t good time where i had lots of good friends to help me through.

i agree, it took me a few years...

-keep in mind what is trash is trash, gay bi or straight. sometimes a hookup is necessary fun. a relationship is a lot of work and is for those partners who both very much want some one in their lives, a must. treat all boy friends with love, you never know which one will come back to stay in you life. chances are your gay community is small.

-as a straight boy i could not land a date to save my life. as a gay it was easy. there are real health issues:
-always have protected sex no matter what the date says.
-a smart date will have discussed your habits before going down.
-i am not a clinician but my understanding the incubation time for the HIV is 3-6mo. so even if you find someone special wait some time and during which get tested a few times. a personal test kit is available. oral sex is safer and an acquired taste.

[bariuke]

Thanks Pellaz. I'm so afraid of STDs and whatnot I won't do a think without a condom, and that includes oral sex. I hope to find someone that I can trust and can do things without having to worry about such things. Is it weird to ask someone to go to a clinic together to get tested?

[marshlander]

What you write makes complete sense to me. I came out to myself in later life and in the weeks after I made that astonishing "discovery" my world turned upside down. I felt like I was going through my whole life history and rebuilding every event, but with a new understanding and enlightenment. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. As a consequence I felt able to accept myself, face up to some demons and like me a little more. That is a bit of a work in progress, but it is very nice to have given myself permission to enjoy so many delicious new thoughts mile:

[dfiant]

Thats the freedom of coming out to yourself, you don't have to hide behind what society expects of you, you can be honest with yourself, at ease with yourself, and the thoughts that you are having just indicate you are being yourself.

[shannonmj]

I'm 40 and never knew I was ready. lol...You come out when you're happy and ready. You'll know what you are and what you want when the time is good for you.