I'm not sure what to call this, but here it is.

[Crs30]

I'm not sure how to say this so I'm just going to lay it out there.

Yesterday, My bf was on the phone with a company that was supposed to deliver some stuff to him today. They gave him the thumbs up, telling him it would be there. Then, he gets a call back an hour later telling him they need him to fax in some more information within one hour of receiving the call. He was at work. If he didn't fax them what they needed, they couldn't send the package until Tuesday, and it wouldn't arrive until Wednesday. But he NEEDED it today.

That really sucks, and he wasn't happy about it at all. I don't blame him, that's very frustrating. My issue is that he expressed his frustration with racial slurs. He and I are different races, so he mentioned that he wasn't mad at my race specifically, just others.

So here is why this is an issue for me. He has recently been coming out of the closet, and he hates stereotypes being applied to him or people referring to him or treating him a certain way without getting to know him. He refuses to accept that he did the exact same thing though. He accused ALL of this race of being incompetent, and as we all know, race in and of itself (same for sexual orientation) has nothing to do with competence. This isn't the first time he has mentioned this race either. He periodically refers to this race as generally inferior. I don't think it's just a rant as much as it is a reflection of his actual personal attitudes.

This has two major implications for me. The first is that it represents a lack of maturity. Treat others as you want to be treated, and what goes around comes around. He has no place to expect tolerance of being gay if he is intolerant against a certain race. How is he going to get upset over someone's race? The second is that when I pointed out this disparity, he tried to dismiss it. Now I'm upset that he basically disregarded what I said. I just want to yell at him, "GROW UP!"

And even if the whole confusion with this company weren't his fault, I would still have a problem with his racist remarks. BUT, he could have avoided the entire situation had he planned ahead a few days. I'm also guessing the company informed him a long time ago what his obligations were to ensure he didn't have to face any headaches or delays in periodic shipment.

So, I pointed out to him that 1, he is wrong for his racist remarks and 2, he could have avoided the situation if he had been diligent. He was upset, saying he doesn't like being corrected. I made sure to say it in a tactful manner and minimize offending him, but he still took offense. OH WELL, no one *likes* being corrected, but if anyone can correct him I should definitely be the one to do it. Think about it, if I can't tell my bf of a year and a half that he is wrong, who can tell him he is wrong? His reaction and unwillingness to accept being wrong also reflect immaturity.

Another thing that reflects a lack of maturity: This started yesterday afternoon. We have hardly spoken since then. I offered him space and time to cool off, but he is just taking this way farther than before. He has had to correct me before, and I've reacted in a similar manner, but I listen to him and accept his points. It normally gets resolved within an hour before we're on the same page again. It has been almost 24 hours since this thing started and he refuses to discuss this any further.

Now my question is, what do I do now?

[Yuki]

To be honest, his attitude also reflect his upbringing. I think what you should do is just spend some apart for awhile and ask him the truth about everything that he seems to hate. if he doesn't respond very well then you have some rethinking to do about spending with this kind of guy

[pellaz]

there is no difference between race
there is more genetic variance between anyone you meet on the side walk than between people of differing races.

your relationship could use some rules like:
-if bed time and the other party is still pouting in the other room you should be able to demand he come to bed regardless of the attitude.
-its silly to wast all that time arguing so; if one party wears a green shirt the other has to kiss/makeup. a no fault make up.


being together for a year you should know your triggers. if this is you guys only issue all is normal good?

[Crs30]

I appreciate the responses guys.

Yuki, good point. It could very well reflect his upbringing. Now that I think about his family it's possible they have something to do with his opinions, since it seems his family has had influence on his positions on other topics too. I think I should have that conversation with him.

pellaz, I like the rules you present. They sound like good, practical ways of getting through issues. Generally, he and I resolve issues well, but rules like those could definitely help. There are a few other issues, but nothing we haven't agreed to work on and meet in the middle.

[azulai]

It sounds like you know each other well and in my opinion, I think you handled things well. You were upfront, honest and well, right.

For me, and maybe for you (?), I'm kind of making a leap here, it might be the tone in which you "corrected" or tried to drive your point home. I really have that problem. I know you said you were tactful but maybe it didn't sound that way to his ears?

A friend on here teased me one night about how long it takes me to make a post because we were chatting, and I was like, wait, I'm trying to think! lol. But, tone is one of my many faults and I have to read and read again and edit to make sure I keep it in check. It's worse when I'm tired, frustrated or feel very passionate about a subject.

I also have to watch this in real life discussions. I like honest and open discussions but sometimes we lose people by the force of our words. Sometimes the forcefulness is necessary, but often not. The importance of an issue to you, in this case, racism, may have made you more forceful than in the past. ???

So, maybe it's more the case of hurt pride on his part and while your point was spot on, he may need for you to meet him half way and say, I wish I could have expressed myself better. IDK.

As far as his racism, how does he talk about people in general when there is no annoyance? Maybe you need to have a conversation about race, and generalizing about people when this isn't a hot issue? Or even explain how it upsets you and effects you when he insults people based on race?

Sorry, I'm not much help. Like I said, I'm just guessing and could be off base, so forgive the rambling if it does not apply.

eta: I was just addressing the fact that this has had a 24 hr impact on your relationship rather than argue, makeup and it's over kind of thing.

[jbrowder24]

I think people are a lot more prejudiced than they let on at times, even if they rarely act on it, and sometimes these people are the most defensive if you call them on it. Even if you use polite terms in correcting someone, they don't want to admit to themselves that they could be seen as a racist. And he's probably afraid you'll love him less if he admits his prejudices. At the same time, you have every right to be upset. It'd be good to examine your values and make sure they are in line. If they are and you wish to stay together, remind him why you love him. He may have done wrong, but he may also need reassurance that you'll accept him even if he does slip with the tongue. And perhaps try to broaden his circle of friends to get to know more diverse people down the road

[Crs30]

Azulai, thanks for that. You hit the nail on the head. He and I just talked and we're basically on the same page again. I met him in the middle as you suggested, it worked. I'm keeping that in the toolbox for the future.

jbrowder24, I appreciate the perspective. He and I sorted it out, and he said he doesn't really hold such a prejudice. I really hope not. I'll keep an eye out for any hints, but I think it's good now. I will try to help him broaden his circle, I think that would work very well

[CellarDweller]

I agree that this is a part of his upbringing. Have you met his family? It's possible that he has bee exposed to this his whole life.

You need to discuss this with hin rationally, in a calm tone, and let him know how you feel ab0ut this, and that while you understand how frustated he was with what happened, you don't appreiciate how he chose to express himself. You may also want to give him a gentle reminder that if others hear this type of speech from him, it will change their perceptions of him.