It makes me sad...

[colinmackay]

That a friend of my fiancé with whom he lost touch a couple of years back has got back in touch earlier today with the news that he's "found Jesus" and has gone through an "ex-gay" program. He's getting married to a woman he met at his new church who already has kids.

He says he's happy we're not going to push the issue. But my worry is that from what he was saying he's actually being manipulated, not just into being who he is not, but into supporting someone else's kids.

I really don't know what I can do. I really feel that I should be doing something, yet I know that I'd probably do more damage if I tried.

[Genersis]

Wow, this sucks.:frown:

My advice would be to talk to this friend alone, and ask him if he is sure this is what HE wants, and make clear the possible problems that could arise if he goes through with it while not fully behind the decision.
Make sure you let him know you are worried about him and care about what happens him as a friend.

With something like religious indoctrination, the only way to bring them to their senses is to place seeds of doubt in their minds with out making them feel like you're attacking their religion.
As most religious people are quite defensive of their faith and wont bother with even a calm polite questioning of their beliefs.

Ok, i hope this helps.
I'm no expert, and i would take my advise with a large pinch of salt but this IS how i would try and sort out the situation you describe.
I understand why you are worried.
Some religions do encourage gay men into straight marriages as a way to try and "fix" them.(Or at least make them less likely to have sex with men out of guilt.):frown:

[James]

Remember. brain washing has convinced people to die in the name of God. Let it go just be there when it comes apart , Jim

[dfiant]

There is absolutely nothing you can do. Reparative Therapy as it is commonly called is dangerous and damaging and it changes the nature of a person.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/17/fashio...7ZACH.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ex-gay_movement

I call these so called 'Ex-Gays' social terrorists, they are extreme, the create terror and they hold people as hostages to themselves.

I would hate to say this, but your only value as a friend now is to be there for your friend, learn as much as you can about Reparative Therapy (Brainwashing) so you know what to expect, read peoples experiences, I warn you that there are some real horror stories out there...these aweful therapies do have a nasty habit of sneaking up and bitch slapping their victims into suicide.

[Inchante]

LOL, ex-gay is crazy.

Well, really all you can do is hope that he is being honest with himself and with your fiance when he says he is happy. You and I may very well doubt that that is the truth, but there is really no way to tell. We cannot be certain what induced him to take his present course. Only he knows the truth of it. All you really can do is hope for the best for him and allow him to follow the path he chooses: "He who lets the world, or his own portion of it, choose his plan of life for him, has no need of any other faculty than the ape-like one of imitation. He who chooses his plan for himself, employs all his faculties. He must use observation to see, reasoning and judgment to foresee, activity to gather materials for decision, discrimination to decide, and when he has decided, firmness and self-control to hold to his deliberate decision." J.S. Mill, On Liberty, 1859

[red06sc]

i think he has bigger issues then being gay.

[colinmackay]

I warn you that there are some real horror stories out there...these aweful therapies do have a nasty habit of sneaking up and bitch slapping their victims into suicide.

I have heard about that, and Paul says that before he came out he had considered suicide already, so it does worry me that he may be more susceptible.

[colinmackay]

With something like religious indoctrination, the only way to bring them to their senses is to place seeds of doubt in their minds with out making them feel like you're attacking their religion.
As most religious people are quite defensive of their faith and wont bother with even a calm polite questioning of their beliefs.

Hopefully we planted a few seeds. We told him that I'd tried the whole being-straight-while-I-was-really-in-denial thing and it how screwed with my head. We didn't push the issue, but he know (at least somewhere) that it can be debilitating and that there is a path out.

I suspect the fact that he popped up after all that time suggests that he may be looking for those seeds. I can't imagine he didn't know my fiancé would attempt to ensure that he is being true to himself. It was my fiancé that helped him come to terms with his sexuality the first time round.

[CellarDweller]

We all know that reparitive therapy doesn't work, but he's an adult and can make his own choices.

All you can do is stay in touch, and be there for him when he needs support.

[fredv3b]

My suggestion: invite him round for dinner. Allow him to see with his own eyes how happy you are together. A couple of the ex-gay movement's favourite ideas to indoctrinate their 'new recruits' with is that there is no such thing as a happy homosexual and there is no such thing as gay love. Also at dinner in vino veritas (in wine, the truth) gently ask him what he thinks he will get out of this marriage?

Also it might be worthwhile seeing if you could get him to watch a series of videos made by Michael Bussee, one of the founders of the ex-gay movement who subsequently left the movement and, in his own words, reconciled his sexuality and his spirituality. They are all on YouTube, they don't seem to be in any particular order, they are well worth watching. Hopefully here is a link to one.




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