How much is enough?

[Jamie]

Hi everyone,

My friend and I were talking, trying to figure out exactly how one goes about starting a long-term relationship, and we encountered a question we couldn't really figure out an answer to. I'm hoping to get your opinions.

We both agreed that love is generally something that's cultivated. While "love at first sight" may happen occasionally, I think more often it grows out of an already established friendship, or at least some sort of non-romantic relationship.

The question is - how do you decide who you're going to try it out with? How much gut attraction, good vibes, or whatever other indicator you want to use, do you need before you can make the decision: "yes, dating this person seems like a good idea"?

I've had a few legitimate crushes in my life, but they've always been on straight people. I'm waiting to finally find the person who I'm naturally just really attracted to, and who is gay, to ask on a date, but I'm beginning to question if I'll just end up waiting forever. Should I just pick a random guy who seems nice and try it out? Is attraction something one feels immediately, or something that grows over time? For those of you in relationships, what has your experience been? I've never been in a legit relationship, so I'd love to find out.

thanks for your input!
Jamie

[marshlander]

Whoever you end up having a relationship with you are going to need to be friends with them! Maybe working on a friendship is a reasonable place to start? Then you can see what happens.

I have had two long-term relationships in my life. Both started with friendships.

I cannot imagine planning to have a long-term relationship with anyone. That just sounds too manipulative. For me it just has to happen, or not.

[holst]

I have to agree with the above comment, it all starts with friendships. which develop into something more. MY trouble is i get to friendship, but i find it hard to go further then that. haha

[CellarDweller]

I cannot imagine planning to have a long-term relationship with anyone. That just sounds too manipulative. For me it just has to happen, or not.

I tend to agree with this, it sounds too planned or organized.

[Almac]

It seems a very clinical notion of finding love to me..!

[Jamie]

I guess when I said "long term" I really meant any relationship at all. Obviously you're not going to decide on your first date to spend your entire life together. To rephrase and ask the question I was trying to ask, I guess I would say: how much attraction to you have to feel for someone to ask them out on a date? or any other step that could potentially start a relationship? Is it just like: "I think we might be compatible," or, "I think we're compatible, and I find you attractive," or, well, I'm not going to list every possible feeling you could have about someone, but you get the idea.

[pellaz]

both guys have to want to be in a relationship. its a lot of work to put interests of the couple ahead of yours.

[marshlander]

... I guess I would say: how much attraction to you have to feel for someone to ask them out on a date? or any other step that could potentially start a relationship? ...

To be honest, I find this all a bit confusing. I don't think I have ever thought in terms of "dates". If I get on with someone and I know we share an interest in something I will ask them if they fancy going to see this or that film/concert/play or go for a drink/pizza/slap-up meal or go walking/dancing/paintballing (maybe not that last one ) I have done this with my straight and gay friends, a few of whom have subsequently become more than friends.

I let others decide whether a day or a night out constitutes a date.

Maybe this is a cultural thing or a generational thing? I don't get the need to label it.

[OrphanPip]

I'm inclined to agree with Marsh, my first real relationship just flowed naturally out of a friendship based on similar interest and compatible personalities. We just got on so well and then before we knew it we kind of stumbled into being a couple. At the same time I have one close friend that I love as a friend and have known for close to 8 years, and we have never had any romantic involvement with each other, we got something different between us. It's hard to specify what will lead to a relationship, partly because it involves two people, two minds with all the millions of possible thoughts, experiences and feelings that entails.

[fredv3b]

To rephrase and ask the question I was trying to ask, I guess I would say: how much attraction to you have to feel for someone to ask them out on a date?

I completely agree with Marsh. I would ask a guy out on a 'date' because I wanted to spend a bit more time with him, if I then wanted to spend a bit more time with him then a 'second date' might be in order. Relationships are something that you do not really something that you start, if you understand what I mean.