Brief background: we are a lesbian couple together two years. Her: Attorney recently retired -3 girls 16, 18, 20. Struggles with addiction to booze and benzos. Went through rehab twice this summer. Core family is homophobic and deeply rooted in local culture. She came out to family over 10 years ago. Me: retired Navy. No kids.. Currently work for Feds. 10 years of continuous recovery. Father still living but he left mom when I was 2. Lives 2700 miles away. Relationship with him is "surfacey"-Only seen him twice in my life. Never "out" to him. Mother is deceased but knew about me and was accepting. *Situation: She went to parents weekend for middle child in college with her mother. I wasn't invited. Did not bother me at first but while she was away she stayed with homophobic brother. Her communication with me was sparse and very impersonal. Told her finally that it hurt my feelings and she told me I was "unreasonable" - situation escalated in text messages where I was trying to reason with her and she was button pushing. I ended it with her. Her response was to inappropriately phone my 92 year old father whom she has NEVER interacted with never met (he lives in las vegas)or ever spoken to before, and purposely and maliciously OUT me to him. This was done in warped retaliation and was without a doubt intentional. *She sent me three email threats that said she was going to contact him, since I after all wanted but i didnt believe she would do such a thing. I thought it was booze talking when I read thIs: *"after all you demand of my family as far as acceptance--I think it is only right your DAD knows you are GAY! I mean --really--if its good enough for me --its good enough for you!"
Well I learned that in fact she carried out her phone call and I am beside myself and beyond shocked at the level of betrayal she stooped to given the level of love and support ive afforded her and her children. *This isn't some small faux pas. She was trying to drive a permanent wedge between me and my only living parent. My fathers words to me were-- "she dropped a bomb on me"-- The next day I told her that what she did was viscious and inappropriate as hell. *I know that I share a part in this but I just don't know that I can ever forgive this act. I would appreciate your comments .
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hello there,
My advice would be not to get too disheartened over this... At least your father knows the truth in life than in death.. Of course he may or may not accept it but whatever the outcome thats his issue not yours... You stated you saw him twice in your life so my best advice is dont let it get to you too much because if you were closer to him then i could understand going mad... Of course what she did was wrong but to be honest unless she sorts her drinking out and other habits she isnt worth knowing as alcohol is a nasty source of problems... When i met my bf he drank loads and went over board massively but ive managed to work with him and tone it right down for the sake of us having a life together so if u feel she is worth it and u love her dearly then demand she cuts down the alcohol and only drinks once a week to a maximum of say $20 if socialising or $10 if buying from the supermarket and she isnt allowed to break this and if she cant respect it then shes never going to and isnt worth giving another chance to
Big hugz
zeon x
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I can understand keeping a low profile among homophobic family members (among others), and I've generally found other things to focus on (or went along with a charade) when a girlfriend of mine was with such a family, and appreciated the favor being returned when I recently stayed with my family in the East Texas Bible Belt for over 2 months while Granny was recovering from a pulmonary embolism (I got enough flak from family as it was for not being married with children yet). That's not to say I was cold to my girlfriend, but as there wasn't a computer and could only use the phone that meant I didn't say a lot to her that wasn't guarded, and I appreciate her understanding. Being outed while I was there could get me killed, literally.
But there's NO reason to out someone to a family member, and even if it turns out well it's not something I I would forgive (or at least not forget). I think a person capable of that is capable of about anything and I could never trust her again. I've tolerated many things others wouldn't, and I've even forgiven isolated incidents of violence and cheating, but that's a line I couldn't stand for anyone to cross even once and would have nothing to do with someone I knew who'd done that before. And while the severe violation of trust (and possible endangerment) is the main reason, even the fact she's willing to hurt complete strangers just to get back at someone is what makes it unforgivable enough all by itself, IMO.
Anyway, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. :frown:
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My heart goes out to you. There are so many ways to deal with an ex without outing them to family or their job, and I agree with you that such an act is a huge act of betrayal. I only hope that your dad and you can become closer with the truth is out there, and that the only wedge she succeeds in is the one that keeps her crazy far, far away from you.
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Firstly, thanks for the responses. It's interesting to see the different takes on this issue. Secondly my now ex is an addict/alcoholic which means she can't use or drink ever. There is no "cutting back" - thirdly. I denied to my father what she said. I do not have the heart to attempt to alter my 92 year old fathers world view. There simply is no need to debate this issue with him at this stage. Had we had more interaction then yes, I would have made it his business. Ive been out to my mother since I was 21. She passed away this past April. But at 53, and not ever having had the same close relationship, I'm simply not inclined to alter what he believes.
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