With the nature of my family dynamic, I don't think comming out would matter much to them; it's not like it's going to make some kind of difference; if anything, lol it'll give my family the gumption to get rid of me, and I've already got a plan; I'm saving up EVERYTHING I CAN to get away....like making my move like a thief in the night....LITERALLY tho....I want to make my move after I've gotten my degree, and hopefully after I've secured a job, and have a place all my own. :biggrin:
I don't see the point in chatting it up with them like we're old friends because we aren't, and I accept THAT...I've come to learn that being gay means being 'alone'.....I'm a loner most of the time anyway, so I can't say I'm bothered by it....but this gay thing....being interested in men....I just feel like it's a recipe for disaster, and heart break....Never having been truly close with anyone, or having a close family makes me want one of my own; I want to have kids, more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD; HOW could I have that with another man? How could I look my children in the face after they've come home, and explain to me that 'Daddy, I got into a fight over you and daddy!' or 'I hate that you like men dad! WHY couldn't you like women instead?!' That would CRUSH me....
I think it's more nobler to sacrifice selfish desires and apply them to the bettering life of your offspring; I believe having a family, having children is the most noble thing you can do...that means putting the welfare (Physical, Psychological, and Emotional) ahead of your own first and fore-most; At the risk of sounding 'preachy' I have to say, I know it's my calling to be a dad, and I want to be the BEST father I can BE....I want my kids to be happy....how can I do that with a man, and ensure that my children's minds will be sparred YEARS of emotional/psychological torture by other children? I couldn't live with myself for being held responsible for that kind of abuse.... 
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Hi Osiris,
There are so many young men here, much like yourself that live with homophobic parents.
You are not walking this road alone, nor does being a gay man mean you have to live your life on your own.
I see that you have a plan and goals , that is a step in the right direction , as you have the rest of your life to look forward to.
I am so very sorry, that you are having such a hard time wrestling with your sexuality , it can be a confusing time at the best.
As for being worried about having your heart hurt , there is no magic ritual that will protect your heart from breaking , it makes no difference if you are , Gay , straight, bi ,Les , The heart wants what it wants , and if you are capable of love and falling in love then you take the risk of being hurt.
Is it worth it?
You bet it is.
Regarding having your children in a straight relationship,that is very noble of you ,
The world and society as a whole is changing for the better , people are starting to wake up from the dark ages.
As a mother of two sons I can tell you one thing , you can't wrap your kids in cottonwool and keep them safe 24/7 .
Kids can be cruel , if they do not pick on one thing they will on another.
I would like you to take a moment, and please consider the feeling you have right now of escaping your homophobic family , and magnify it ten fold.
That is how you feel when you are living a lie , and sooner or later you will feel resentful of your spouse and your gold cage prison.
The one thing you do not want to do, is to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
The best advice I can give you is be true to yourself and learn to love and except yourself.
You can not love another if you do not love yourself.
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RM, you're great you are... 
But sometimes a golden cage is better than sparse iron bars....it's ALL in the presentation! lol
I know I'm not alone, but yet I ALONE have to cope with this....I don't have the answers for that yet, and I don't like things to be "ambiguous" I like being certain in the moves I make, and the things I believe to be right....most of my being is centered around conviction, and confidence.....to shake either hand, tips that delicate balance....
No, your children cannot be protected 24/7, as a matter of fact, I don't believe in "sMOTHERing" my children; I want them to go out and shape the world with their OWN hands, and not be afraid to do so either...they'll have to prove their mettle to the world, but most importantly to themselves; but with the SUPPORT and LOVE of dad, that should make things a LITTLE bit easier....don't you agree?
I just want what's BEST for my kids; just like YOU...just like ANYBODY.....
I cannot accept this; this is NOT my story; it's NOT how it's supposed to be for me....This CAN'T be right...I'm sorry....:frown:
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Children adapt. I'm sure it's possible they'll hate having gay parents, but that's just one of a zillion things they can hate about their parents. And in my observation kids do pretty ok with gay parents (and love them). And some of the gay families I've seen make me envious: those kids have it a lot better than I did with my straight parents, and they catch a lot less flak for it than I caught growing up (of course I was given a hard time for other reasons).
I'm now helping to raise 2 kids, and personally I'm fine that they're not my biological kids (makes me feel less guilty about bringing kids into a world that may be overpopulating leading to inevitable disaster of Biblical proportions), and I don't think I love them any less for it or somehow feel empty over it. I love them and those who hurt them hurt me.
I was really concerned about moving in. At the time they just knew me as the cool babysitter who could make awesome birthday parties for them but I knew moving in would change the family dynamics and they might react very differently toward me, especially if they caught me sharing a bed with their mom. But they welcomed me in, were very eager for me to do so (though the boy was 7 at the time so he wasn't made to fully understand what was going on).
Because I caught flak as an out lesbian I went back into the closet to protect them from having to put up with what I have to, but it didn't work. What happened is a long story that I don't want to go into but suffice to say that a group of fundamentalists tried to destroy us and probably would have if my partner's lawyer hadn't intervened (just feel the Christian love...and yeah, they'd have destroyed the children, too, rather than have them raised by 2 women, showing once again how they value life beginning from conception and ending at birth). Because of this some kids were not allowed to play with ours as those parents didn't want their children "exposed" to us. But our kids made other friends and don't seem to have noticed, in fact the boy became more social and popular than he had been before I moved in. The girl, while vaguely Christian, faced more of it and lost her respect for Christianity and especially the Bible (which she now says is a pack of lies now that fundies have tried to use it to impress on her how evil and depraved I am) and she said before I moved in she never thought anything about gays, it was a complete nonissue, but now she's very much opposed to the persecution of minorities. I recall being heartened that after we saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 our girl commented that the part of the evil wizards publishing pamphlets lying about how dangerous muggles (ordinary people without magic) are while at the same time being the ones who were actually dangerous to muggles reminded her how the fundies were acting towards me (and the things they'd told her about me and "my kind"). I was surprised at that because I didn't make that connection myself, but she did, and I realized then that she associated those who persecuted me (and by extension her and her family) as the villains, not me. And while she's faced crap I think she's stronger for it and she's still glad I'm in her life. Both she and her brother have made it clear multiple times that they want me to remain and have even expressed fear that I'd leave.
Since then we've moved again and life has improved for all of us. Really, I think that as long as you're a good, loving parent then your kids won't hate you. I also recall when I was a child and I chose to live with Granny even though she was poorer and I was the victim of slut rumors (and rumors of being a satanist) in that East Texas Bible Belt town because she loved me and I knew it. That is, I didn't let how I was tormented by other kids or how I could have more things given to me if I lived elsewhere drive me away from someone who gave me a loving home. So I think I understand why my 2 kids want me in their lives as well, despite that they (especially the girl) have caught a little flak over it.
And studies show children of gays and lesbians are just as likely as children of straight parents in turning out well:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_parenting
And here's an interview of a teen with 2 moms and what it's like:
http://www.layouth.com/a-teen-with-two-moms/
All in all, I know that it's possible to be a good AND a gay parent, and the kids aren't worse off for it, and will be far better off than they would be with all too many heterosexual parents as long as you give them a good home with a lot of love.
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To set the record straight, I'm not trying to insult the idea of gay men/women being parents or that the idea is in ANY way ludicrous or ridiculous.....the INTENT of the parents are really the determining agent in the lives, and futures of their children....In fact, I THOROUGHLY support it, because of aforementioned reason....As a future parent, I want to establish a life where they can be safe, and live in a world where they don't have to know the fear of backlash and reprisal because of their fathers...I WILL NOT SEND MY CHILDREN TO FIGHT MY WAR....that would be harmful to them, and would be hypocritical to my philosophy.
I do agree Pix, it's about doing what's BEST for the children; Loving them is what is of the most preeminent factor in ANY type of family dynamic. I do also know that humans are cruel, and that homosexuality is a philosophy, that can be turned AGAINST the children, and the parents (and unfortunately) are often the center of blame for that; two human beings have EVERY right to love each other regardless of creed, race, sexuality or other differing agents....It's WRONG ALL DAY LONG to hate/misunderstand others for their chosen lifestyles....I only see people loving, and harmonizing with each other, or hating each other; I will not, WILL NOT raise children with another man, if I suspect he's flighty, or in anyway asymmetrical to my ideology on the family dynamic.
Honestly, my parents are straight, they have shown me nothing but bitterness, indifference, neglect, and a handful of other choice words that makes me feel that straight people are in NO WAY any more qualified than gay people to have children; But I myself am not even sure if my sexuality is "Legitimate"....I had no emotional connection with my father, or mother, and i don't want to spend my life trying to make up for that with a man, when I can BE that man for my children and wife. I believe if the heart is behind something, it can change a great deal.
I hate to sound stereotypical, but in my experience gay men (more often than not) don't really have the values, and attributes that I find respectable and noteworthy to pass along to children, and make them successful, and keynote figures in the future of humankind....partying at the club at 40+ years of age for example is not something I deem as profound or anyway attractive...it shows a lack of direction and focus....I digress....
Anyway, I do believe gay men and women can be EXCELLENT parents; as a matter of fact, when you have the time to plan out your family, as opposed to just knocking a chick up, you have the time to really make it something GREAT.....I just don't think the frequency of gay men who share that ideology is at an all-time high...I'm half pragmatist....I want a family, and doing it with a man, just seems like a fail....I do have to give it up to the Lesbians though....you ladies are DEFINITELY choice when it comes to kids....
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Long, and short, I just don't want to spend my WHOLE LIFE looking for something right under my proverbial nose; I want someone to grow old with and who takes as much pleasure in watching our children grow, and learn, and feel confident to go out into the world with their own ideals, shape it, and inspire others...it takes courage, and generosity of spirit to do that....I don't see that in gay men, though I think it's POSSIBLE, I just don't see it on the whole as a STANDARD in men in general....in this respect, I do think a woman (and a strong father figure) is necessary to build that with in those children....two men doing this seems to drop the chances of that, if you consider the fact that not too many gay men want to "settle down" or have children....in other words, it's not a "priority" to most of them, and having children is just not in them.....it makes me wonder if this is just psychologically "absent" in them, and if or me, that verifies my heterosexuality?....sex is really about procreation, and passing along material to ensure the livelihood of the species.....I look at it from a biological, and concrete prospective; I'm not trying to take sides, or slant against anyone, but I do feel I have a very substantial point/claim that I'd like to have rectified before I commit to something half-heartedly.
I'm NOT saying it's wrong, just that the chances/likelihood of my producing offspring with a male seems rather slim.....I have the urge to procreate, but yet most gay males I know do not share in this urge....so, does this make me straight, or gay? The urge to procreate is present in both male, and female after puberty...can the same be said for the gay male? If it is in fact so, why are we aroused by other men? I'm just saying that the facts are present, and not bringing me towards any clause, or conclusion....it just seems so...inconclusive....
At the end of the day, I suppose it's really just a matter of finding someone whose principles jibe with your own....I just wonder if I'm wasting my time looking for a MAN to do so, when a WOMAN would be a better fit?
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Hello Osiris,
Sometimes you have to set down and let nature take it's course. In other words; don't get in a hurry to have a family. You first need to find the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with (male or female) and then the two of you can plan a family together.
From what I've read, you haven't come to terms with your sexual orientation yet (gay,straight, bisexual, or somewhere in between them),,,, and this should be resolved before you make plans for a family. Tackle this problem first, then move to the next - finding a compatible mate & raising a family.
It seems your experiences with men have been only of a sexual nature. No romance or getting to know one another on a intimate level. If you feel you are truly attracted to men, then start working toward finding a guy who is also looking for a long term relationship. Don't hop into bed with a prospective mate until you both feel an emotional connection to each other.
I have found that any relationship requires work to make it last over the years. So, find that person that will make you happy and then have that family you want - and work hard to keep your family together during the tough times.
Long-story-short <Tackle one problem at a time, and be patient>.
Sincerely,
Jim
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Yes...I agree Jim...it would be far easier to tackle one problem at a time...but I am only one person, juggling many hats/tasks at once....and dealing with my EXTREME discomfort with my own sexuality doesn't help  ugh....
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Why bother?
