Are these feelings Legit?

[OsirisGuy23]

I am interested in men.....but as a result of my past, I can't help but wonder if this is just a defense mechanism for me. I believe although I'm interested in men, it may only be because I'm emotionally estranged from my own father....I look like the man, and I see him everyday, but I feel like we're millions of miles apart....he's had an on-again-off-again relationship with drugs and has been in and out of my life, my WHOLE life, being there no more than two years at a time to only go back to jail... My mother told me I was not to EVER depend on him for anything, and that deeply upset me.... he was a good dad in those days....he was so much fun....he made EVERYTHING fun! I don't UNDERSTAND where it went WRONG? Why would he be so kind, and nice, and fun only to turn on me? Are all men like that? Kind and nice until you cross them, or do something wrong to them?

I remember crying for him when I was seven in my bed, and feeling like i was completely alone in the world and my only security was taken and it was EXTREMELY traumatic....it felt like something "Broke" inside of mind/soul, and it hasn't worked since.....I loved my father so deeply I would've done ANYTHING to keep him home, and stop my heart from breaking... yes, it was selfish, and I was a child, but having the first man you ever love taken away from you and not knowing if he'll ever come back (let alone love you back) is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy....To this day, when my day touches me, I feel nothing but coldness and emptiness, and when a man touches me I feel HORRIBLE...

So how do I learn if I'm TRULY gay, or responding to a hurt that hasn't yet been healed? I've been trying to be in a relationship with a guy for a while but to no avail...I suppose I'm just not "Gay" enough lol

[jaxc]

sad to hear about that, but i'm kinda doubtful your father has anything to do with your orientation.You might want to some research on the topic( yes there's been studies about this sort of thing) and decide for yourself.

[OsirisGuy23]

Na! Don't be sad jaxc! He made me strong....I do have a strong sense of ambivalence, but I at least know where it comes from...most people who feel ambivalent can't tell from which angle it comes from, but I do, so I'm at least a step ahead of the game....

Anyway I know that biology has a significant role to play in gender/role orientation, but what I don't know is how to determine this for myself....you see, the attraction that I have my be misplaced/ sublimated towards a more "acceptable" focal point, i.e. other gay men...though, I'm responding that way towards women as well because my mother was emotionally estranged from me as well growing up, she raised me, but there was very little connection I have with, I'm not sad about it, she just didn't have the capacity to love and neither did he; they did their best, and i'm beginning to understand that now...

[BobInTampa]

I know you've probably heard this before, but my advice to you is to find a mental health counselor with a background in LGBT issues and work through your feelings of "abandonment." I don't belive there is a direct link between a man's relationship with his father and being gay, BUT, i do belive that the dynamic between a man and his dad CAN have an imapct on one's readiness/willingness to come "out" - due to the fact that the son may feel it will make his relationship with his father worse!

So, get some counseling - IT WORKS MY FRIEND!

Ok, that said, i have a tinge feeling that you're using your relationship with your father (in all its ebbs and flows) as a way to distract yourself from accepting your true self. Now, this could be you're str8 or it could end up you're gay, but until you work thru your past and your father, you're not going to be ready to really look INSIDE and come to accept and love YOU!

[fredv3b]

The theory that homosexuality in men is due to absent fathers refuses to die no matter how many times it is shown to be untrue.

The absence of your father did not cause you to be sexually attracted to men.


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[pellaz]

i am just observing this is a lot of theory about a father who was not a 100% in your life. and your a grown man at this point. you are doing the right things by asking questions and talking about it. at some point you are going to reach a limit of what you can do for your self and a professional will be the only way to go further.

-time is a fix for a lot of things and you might benefit by being honest with others but gain some relationship experiences.
-i hope you have put some distance between you and your family at least till you have worked some of this out.

[OsirisGuy23]

I'll say this; homosexuality maybe in a SPECIFIC circumstance a coping mechanism for paternal estrangement and abuse; when you throw these two volatile situations into the present, it CAN influence the sexuality, either in it's inhibition, or exhibition...perhaps mine is more inhibited; the fact is, the situation is far more complicated than superficial observation and analysis can offer; some first hand knowledge of a clinical approach to sexuality, and NOT personal acceptance stories would be of greater value and use. This would at least put aside, or assuage me to understand that this is biologically derived, and not (In my circumstance) a outlet for paternal estrangement/childhood abuse.

I'm happy that you older men have come to a place where against it all, you have come to accept who you ARE; that came with time, knowledge, patience, understanding, and NOT with homosexual dogma being thrown down your throat; I'm trying to maintain personal equilibrium with a situation compounded with psychological, emotional, and SOME physical abuse....being afflicted with a major psychiatric disorder that affects/alters consciousness, and maintain a job, college, and your sanity is no easy task.....then to throw the possibility of being thrown into a group (with a label on your head) of strangers whom you've NO familial connection/ties with is EXTRAORDINARILY trying....what's done is done between my father and I, and I don't believe in wasting time crying about it; he lives his life, freely, and I have to live in bondage? No.

My actions/interests COULD be based on a repetitive unconscious behavior pattern that has lead me to find/attempt to seek out men for satisfaction....which I might add that I haven't as of YET found sex with men to be truly psychologically/physically satisfying.....this implies (at least from a clinical stand point) that SOMETHING is impeding, the development of my maturing sexuality....that would require a psychologist to analyze and assess, I agree....

I'm all ears to look for solutions to this problem, but only if they are practical as anything else wouldn't arrive at a concrete solution....

What's more my original question still remains unanswered; based on the supplied information, are my feelings legitimately homosexual in origin, or is it too soon to tell? Is therapy required to discern if I am gay?