Hello from a Siberian with problems

[Ydaqic]

Здравствуйте (Zdravstvuĭte (Hello)) from Siberia. I do not know exactly how to start, but right to the point I need help. Ever since I was a teenager I've had lusts after men although I really do not want it. All I want my self is a girl to raise my kids and a family to please and to make my parents proud, and I sincerely want a girlfriend or wife but my urges draw me to the men. It is like I can find a girl pretty and cute, but it doesn't attracts me, and I keep having wet dreams about men and they arouse me in a way women doesn't when i sincerely just don't wish for that. Sometimes it feels very schizophrenic, as my mind wants something else then I do. It has confused me all my life, I am happily engaged to a wonderful lady who carries my baby (Pregnant) but it feels many times being together with my mother (As i love her deeply, but not in a sexual way). I am trying my best to hide it but I think she is suspecting anything or am I just paranoid. I can imagine growing old with her and even dying by her side but when it comes to sex it all just feels so wrong, I do not know what to do it just saddens me so much that I have to bury my feelings down in heavy dozes of alcohol. It has become a rather addiction to as I drink regularly. She hates it and threatens to leave me, but I do not know how to control my true feelings (As I think about it, it might get stronger with the withdrawal of alcohol). I just don't want to leave her...

[James]

Greetings and welcome, I understand what you are going through as I am from the fifties usa, I have been marries twice, lost three houses, 2 kids, and my self esteem. I love my kids and grand kids, sent some through college, but I am what I am, so you can continue which I am not saying not to, or come to terms with who you are. Please included your wife when you are sure, but not intil then, and please come to the forums here and ask all the questions you can stipiud or not, lots of us have been down yur road, James

[jamiebfd]

Welcome...
My advice is....
Do what you feel is right.
Its YOUR life.
If you live a lie and change your mind in the future then it is just wasted time.

Look after number 1 (yourself)
People will have to accept what you are. if they do not.... it is their loss!!
You seem like a nice guy.
And the alcohol isnt good!!
It will just add another problem to the ones you have already.

Do not use it to block feelings... because if you carry on doing that you will loose who you are and forget what life is for!

Be true to yourself and be honest when you think the time is right.
Im sure your family love and respect you. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

Hope we can help you in your problems. Ask anything you need to and we are here for you.

Welcome to the family *hugs*

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To Russia with love

Welcome!

[Rainbowmum]

Hello Ydaqicl,

First let me say welcome to GaySpeak.

The only advice I can give you is to be true to yourself.
The heart wants what the heart wants ,and you can not control who you are attracted to, or who you fall inlove with.

[Geet]

Greetings from India :tongue:

I agree pretty much with what everyone else said, but on further notice do not drop a big bomb on your wife.

She is however the mother of your child, it will be pretty inevitable not to hold contact if the kid wants contact with her.

But also as you great feelings for her try to ease the pain, love hurts and she will overreact as she will think it is her fault of making you turn to other men.

Wish you best of luck mile:

[cloud999]

What sort of community do you live in? If you're in Siberia...I take it you are from a small, conservative town/city? Probably has no LGBT community to speak of there. I know there is one in Moscow, at least. That you have a wife with child complicates matters considerably. Lots of older guys here who have been in your shoes, and can give better advice than I.

Your first responsibility is to your child...yet if living the lie is tearing you up at this stage, it will only get worse and make your family life miserable. Better to resolve this issue now, before your child is old enough to be traumatized by parental conflict that may result from your gay tendencies. And by resolve, I mean you need to bring this issue up with your finance/wife before the child arrives. How would she take it?

[Ydaqic]

Novokuznetsk isn't that small actually but nothing like Moscow or any big citties of yours Think it has around 500 to 600 thousand habitants and is the biggest and oldest city in the area, but yet its very left conservative. It wasn't until somewhere in the 60's it got renamed to Novokuznetsk (From Stalinsk earlier). I think we got a small gay community as I've atleast seen one gay bar yet. I appreciate all your replies, but its hard and so confusing. As I do not want to be gay (As if a girl might loot at a biker and find him really hot but knows he is bad), but if i just think of another man half naked or more just makes me hard in my pants. It is also so frighting, I can not dishonor my girlfriend / Wife by cheating on her, yet if I leave her I might regret it during the rest of my life (the only way to be sure about my sexuality is to try...) . I got to tell her but i do now know how. How can I say to her that I still want to be best buds but I can not stand being closer than that to her without her feeling sad?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Life does not have any easy answers, Ydaqic.

"Not wanting" to be gay/bi is understandable. Our society does not paint a rosy picture for the LGBT community even in the best of places where there is lots of tolerance and even gay marriage.

I think one thing that goes through the minds of gay men who are married when they start facing this self truth is the question of 'I'm I being fair to her?'

Think about it, will you ever be able to give 100% of yourself to her? She will always feel that a part of you is not 'there'. She may not know what it is, but most people have an 'awareness' when their partner is not 100% with them.

Hiding in a marriage rarely really works for the gay person in the marriage. There is a small amount of guilt that slowly eats away at them, and then there are the many, many cases where later on in life they find themselves posting ads on gay pages reading:

"Straight married looking for discreet encounters"

Or words to that effect.

Or, like you are doing, they take to alcohol, drugs and other sources of 'relief'. This makes for crappy marriages and ultimate hurts the other.

Hiding in your personal closet will not resolve anything, and is and will continue to other problems and larger issues.

After all you are aware that your are drinking to 'deal with' that gay side of you, and you are aware that that drinking is hurting her and the relationship.

And this last, with her threatening to leave you, means that your relationship will end.

The real choice is to end the relationship on honesty, thus hopefully making it possible for her to move on, find a good man who loves her 100%, still being friends with you, or letting it end in a terrible wreck, with her thinking your an alcoholic, and not worth being around or having your child around you.

I can't force you to do anything, and I can't tell you it will be easy (it most likely will not be). However I can tell you that honesty is, usually, the best policy.

[Ydaqic]

Life does not have any easy answers, Ydaqic.

"Not wanting" to be gay/bi is understandable. Our society does not paint a rosy picture for the LGBT community even in the best of places where there is lots of tolerance and even gay marriage.

I think one thing that goes through the minds of gay men who are married when they start facing this self truth is the question of 'I'm I being fair to her?'

Think about it, will you ever be able to give 100% of yourself to her? She will always feel that a part of you is not 'there'. She may not know what it is, but most people have an 'awareness' when their partner is not 100% with them.

Hiding in a marriage rarely really works for the gay person in the marriage. There is a small amount of guilt that slowly eats away at them, and then there are the many, many cases where later on in life they find themselves posting ads on gay pages reading:

"Straight married looking for discreet encounters"

Or words to that effect.

Or, like you are doing, they take to alcohol, drugs and other sources of 'relief'. This makes for crappy marriages and ultimate hurts the other.

Hiding in your personal closet will not resolve anything, and is and will continue to other problems and larger issues.

After all you are aware that your are drinking to 'deal with' that gay side of you, and you are aware that that drinking is hurting her and the relationship.

And this last, with her threatening to leave you, means that your relationship will end.

The real choice is to end the relationship on honesty, thus hopefully making it possible for her to move on, find a good man who loves her 100%, still being friends with you, or letting it end in a terrible wreck, with her thinking your an alcoholic, and not worth being around or having your child around you.

I can't force you to do anything, and I can't tell you it will be easy (it most likely will not be). However I can tell you that honesty is, usually, the best policy.

Strong words my friend, it really touched me.
I an not making it better with just how I cope with the situation right now nor with my drinking. As the only thing I wish is not to hurt her but I guess it won't last in the end and is doomed to fail, it seems that just being honest is the only fair thing to do. As the signs exists already, just hope I will grow the courage to do it. It is hard to admit it, but it would just be cruel to play with anyones emotions. Just hope she wont take it the wrong way. Oh dear Sophiya :frown: . I wonder how we are going to raise our kid if :frown: If only... If only i was straight everything would be less complitated