jonrx26 Wrote:Thanks everyone for the comments and help.
I’m starting to realise I must have been silly thinking my bf would change his preferences because of me despite all the love and everything else we have.
Some of the comments above suggest I should try to get him interested with foreplay – I’ve tried this many times including rimming him which I’m not a fan of but I’ll do it anyway because I know he likes it. The problem starts with penetration, even as little as a fingertip freaks him out. The only time I’ve been inside him (no more than an inch though) was after a club night when he was probably high. That was several months ago and nothing like that has happened again. To be honest I’m not very turned on by the idea that my bf has to take drugs to have sex with me.
I guess I should just admit to myself that he’s an exclusive top and accept him as he is. A relationship should be about loving your partner for what they are right? Wanting your bf to be different can’t surely be part of a happy relationship?
Being sexually compatible with my bf is important to me. Sex drive is one of the primary instincts and I don’t think it’s healthy to supress it – especially since all I want is just plain vanilla sex (the gay version of it obviously) with no fetishes or anything else like that involved. I’ve enjoyed my many flings in the past but having sex with someone you know really well and love to bits is AMAZING and tops everything! I really can’t bear the idea of not being able to do it again. Also as I’m quite an emotional guy I wouldn’t see being in an open relationship or having threesomes as a solution. I would consider having a threesome at some point in the relationship but only as an addition to normal sex life not as a substitute for something my bf can’t provide for me.
I’m really gutted it’s come to this. I love the guy to bits and I know he wants me too but I just can’t go on being so deprived. It’s the same as I could never be with someone I’m not physically attracted to or have no emotional connection with. Two out of three is good but not a match for me. FML
I can see one way out of this, but I'm not sure either of you is going to like it. Maybe you should consider having some threesomes in which your topping would be expressed, but I'm not sure you'd find that as pleasing as giving your boyfriend a good topping, since you know how good it feels.
I think a lot of this has to do with his mind construct of anal sex and probably roles too. Maybe you two really need to talk about WHY he cannot bottom for you. There may be some hidden reasons there, that, for modesty's sake, he hasn't told you. How do we know that he hasn't suffered from some form of rape in his childhood? How do we know if he considers this sinful or just too dirty for words. Some guys just don't like anal sex and it takes some really strong feelings to let someone into you when it's not what nature intended the hole for in the first place.
You have obviously found reasons for bottoming, hopefully pleasurable ones as well as compromising ones, but it really isn't something you can force on someone. So, either your patience will be your virtue, or you'd better discuss it seriously before it takes its toll on what seems to be a good relationship otherwise. Please learn to accept that No is No, until there is such as time as you awake his curiosity. It seems strange to me that he wouldn't be interested in finding out what all the fuss is about, but there must be some strong taboos there to tackle.
Forcing yourself upon him will only bring you remorse and guilt. So don't even go down that route. I think a discussion, possibly also getting some literature about anal sex (like
the Joy of Gay Sex) so that he can better understand what makes anal sex interesting.
I find it healthy that he has enough regard for himself to stick to no-anal-sex if he doesn't like the idea of it, or has qualms about it. I know what you're saying: that it doesn't seem fair, but we don't know how his heart and brain work in those matters. Education may be the key to happiness for you both. Read up on it, explain it, ask him about it. Don't do this while you're in bed, trying to make love, but maybe after you've made love, and maybe told him how great it was (and why it was great).
![Confused Confused](https://gayspeak.com/images/smilies/confused.png)
mile:
![Confused Confused](https://gayspeak.com/images/smilies/confused.png)
mile: Don't give up on him, not just yet. Express your frustrations to him, maybe that'll take some of the sting out of them.
Take care Jon.