is my officemate gay?

[zed05]

Gosh..
His Dad was rushed to the hospital, last night..
Good thing it wasn't anything serious..
He told me about it.. He said how scared he was when he saw his dad collapse in front of him..

When he spoke to me, all the pain melted away..
I.. I don't know what to do.. I wanna have him,
But I guess I really should shake this feeling off..

[zed05]

I really need your help with this...

Please.. I.. I don't know what to do!

Me and him went to the mall, after work..
I had to convince him to wait for me, because, I was finishing some overtime work.. And he did..
He has a car, so, its more convenient..
We were supposed to shop for gifts..

Then.. When we were in the mall..
He saw his girlfriend.. With another guy!!
There was tension.. And man, was I nervous!
I didn't want him to get hurt or anything..
Then, the girl and the guy just walked away..

I knew he was devastated..
It wasn't like him to frown..
He NEVER frowns..

We sat down at starbucks..
He didn't wanna order anything..
I told him that, "I didn't know what to say..
But I know that you'll be ok.. I'm sorry for dragging you here in the mall.. I feel guilty.. If not for me, you wouldn't have seen that.. You wouldn't be hurt.. Sorry.. I'm really sorry.. Man, sorry for being an idiot.. " And I kept ranting how sorry I am for dragging him to the mall.. He said, "no.. I should thank you.. At least now, I don't have any reason to hold on.. I was trying to fix our relationship for six months now.. But, guess she really didn't wanna be with me anymore.. What sucks is, she never said anything about breaking up.."

After that.. We walked around, never really talking.. We decided to go home..
On the way to his car.. He said, "when I'm depressed.. I wanna get hurt physically.. I wanna feel pain.." I said, "I'll punch you til you feel better.." He smiled a tiny tiny bit, then said "I'm gonna take steroids, get so buffed.. Don't be shocked when you see me, with bigger muscles"
I said "We'll see".. (He still worries about me.. He knows I don't like those overly greeked god men.. I like him just the way he is right now, but then again who am I to stop him..) He laughed.. Then kinda punched me softly.. We went home, in his car, he played "never gonna leave this bed, by maroon 5".. I was so heart broken..

I can't take to see him like that..
He is not like that..
I'm worried that he might do something he'll regret forever.. I love him too much, and I really can't take it.. It hurts me sOoo much to see him like this..

I was about to get off the car..
But he hugged me.. I know its nothing romantic..
He just needed a hug.. I.. I want to see him smile again..

[zed05]

He has not texted, emailed, or asnwered my calls..
I am worried sick.. Maybe he felt like I was all over him, and he got mad at me or something...

[zeon]

By the sounds of it these urges are takling over you... Dont fret stay calm and remember that maintaining a friendship with this guy is better than nothing at all... Of course dont panic over texts or calls just give him some space through this say a couple of weeks and then send a friendly text just asking how he is... Tell him if he needs to chat your there to offer support if needed on a strictly work basis collegue to collegue

[zed05]

A week ago, he seemed to be back to his normal self, and so I asked, if everything was finally ok with him and his GF, and he said yes. I must admit, it crushed me.. Coz, I feel like, the girl shouldn't be forgiven for what she did, but whatever, as long as he is happy, I'm good with that..

Finally, it was time for our xmas party, and, so we went.. I brought his fave grilled pork belly..
Then, we had an activity, an icebreaker..
There were questions asked to us, and we need to answer as honestly as possible..
The question for me was..
"If there's anything you wanted to say about each of us in the group, what would it be and why?"
So I told every single one of them what I wanted to say, most of the people had positive feedback from me.. And three had negative.. I forgot about him, and they said I skipped him.. And so, all I could say was, "He's... He's very special to me..."
And there was silence..
After that, he sat beside me, and in a somewhat, sad voice, asked if he can borrow the giant teddy bear I got as a present from one of our colleagues.. I handed him 'JB' the bear, without a word, coz, I was really embarassed after what I said, and he seemed to have went to mellow land after I said it.. (J was his initial and B was bear) after hugging JB, he immediately gave it back to me without a word, and sat down at a corner, looking dazed, confused and sad.. I felt that, he didn't know how to approach me after that.. Then, about 5am, his GF arrived.. And after 30 mins, they went home.. I couldn't help it, I cried.. I know I didn't cry because of the girl, but because of the fact that, I really feel he deserves someone better, not me, but a girl that will tream him with more respect, and love him genuinely..

Well, that day ended, and I hit repeat on Jordin Sparks' "Papercut" from her Battlefield album..
"I wish I was the tin man so I wouldn't have a heart to break.."

Then, first day of the work week arrived..
I always arrive three hours before work starts, to make sure I have everything ready..
I also transferred stations..
30 minutes before work starts, he arrived..
He walked to me, and greeted me, but it was different.. He seemed to be holding back, because his voice was very faint, I could almost not hear it..
He also likes to tickle me, while saying my name before.. But that day, it was different, he didn't tickle me like before...

I said, "hey!" Then smiled..
He then noticed that I transferred stations, and he transferred right beside me..
I went to the comfort room to wash my hands, and when I got back, he was sitting there as if waiting for me..
I sat down, pulled "Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters" book, and read it, ignoring him...
I was still not ready to talk to him..
Then, we had a meeting, and our boss said, that he seemed sad.. I felt guilty.. I asked him if he was feeling ok, he said yes..
After our meeting, he was cheerful again.. And asked me if I wanted to grab lunch.. I declined, and he said, "oh.. Ok.. I won't eat too then".. And smiled his killer smile.. One of his friends then asked him to grab lunch.. He said "nah, I don't feel like it bro", his friend then said, "before we got transferred in this dept, we were so close bro, we always ate lunch together, and now, coz of Zed, you left me?" In a very sarcastic, humorous kind of way, and I know he was kidding.. I said "oh shut up Ronald. Go ahead, go with him, I don't wanna see that big of a baby cry his heart out.." And he smiled, and asked if I was sure, I said I was.. He then went out.. Our boss heard our conversation, and said, "are you in a relationship with him?"

I blused, and almost laughed, "No boss, I wish I was.. But no.. He has a girlfriend, remember?"
Boss walked away, really thinking about it.. Haha..


When he came back, I was reading thru the book, and was in a part that Tyson saved Percy, he then asked, what book I was reading, I answered.. He said, that's for babies! With a laugh..
"Excuse me, this is a fantasy novel based on mythology, I happed to love reading mythological stuff." And my face turned sour..
He said, "aw.. I'm sorry, I was just kidding.. Forgive me please" in a sincere, sweet begging way.. I didn't answer..

Another meeting!..

He noticed my new tiny pink pig stuffed toy, that was hanging in my ID lace, and said, "Aw, how cute, its like a mini you!"
(I am chubby, and have pinkish skin)
I was not insulted at all, but I just felt embarassed coz, he said it out loud, and all of our team mates heard it, and laughed at me..
I said "ugh! I hate you! Don't talk to me!"
And I walked away from him.. The meeting was just for our feedback regarding what theme we wanted for our NewYears party, I voted Punk/Rocker/Goth/eMo theme.. I didn't hear what he said..

After that, went back to my station, and still kind of pissed with him.. I didn't talk to him.. He said, "Zed, sorry.. Please, it was just that, if I see that little piggy, you enter my mind.. I didn't mean to embarass you" in a sweet begging baby talk tone.. I didn't answer.. He said, "ok if your not gonna talk to me, then, I'll just sit here, and wait until you do.." And gave me that cute sad little face, with puppy eyes, begging for a treat.. It gave me the thought that, he cares what I feel..
And laughed.. "Ok ok.. I was just so embarassed.. You said it so loud!" He laughed and hugged me..
After that, we text a lot, he calls me, he waits for me.. He even went with me to go get my new phone. We just started to be sweeter than before.. Everyone noticed.. Now I am so confused..
Because, one of the other operations manager, named, Russ, asked him when I was on leave, "where's your boyfriend!?!! Huh!?!! Tell me now!" In a humorous way.. He replied "he's on leave boss"..
And Russ called me and told me about it.. (Me and Russ are close friends) he was laughing because "J" answered..
And he was serious when he answered.. He wasn't laughin.. At all.. That bothered Russ.. He said "J" was Bi. But I didn't believe him.. And now.. After going through the past 2weeks.. I am confused.. What am I to him..