The thing that really stands out to me in your story is your desire to hook up with a guy and "get it out of your system". While I certainly understand that desire I think you are just asking for the big hurt with that because it's not going to get out of your system. You are who you are, whether your a gay man, or a straight man or a bi man or whatever, you are not going to change who you are by having one experience with another man. Instead of trying to go wham bam thank you sir and then think your confusion and depression are going to go away, I think you should try to explore your sexuality and come to terms with who you are. Does that mean you have to come out and be loud and proud, no it doesn't, I'm not out, except to certain people, but with my job it's not a practical option. But I feel like I know who I am and I think that the process I went through in discovering that has made me a stronger person in the end.
Richard
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Thanks everyone, doesn't discovering who I am start with having a sexual experience with the gender that I am sexually attracted to, I've had sex with a few women, I've been with one partner for roughly 12 years, I'm not yearning for sex with a woman despite my past sexual experiences, I don't watch straight porn, I find women sexually attractive but I want more than anything to lie naked with another man and to do to him and to have done to me what you folks in this site do naturally, I'm not a bad person for craving this although many ignorant people would think this if I came out, that's why Thailand will be my first experience, I will have total anonymity, I can experience what I've wanted for so long without having to look over my shoulder, I'm not a deviant or a paedo, I think I'm totally normal, I'm attracted to good looking sexy guys unfortunately what other people think back home has such an influence on how a homosexual guy lives his life, if I was asked what I really wanted right now, it would be to meet a nice guy and to have a normal relationship, to really enjoy his company and for us to have an excellent sex life, I'm a million miles away from that.
Ardus, thanks for your great advice, could you be more specific on the processes you went through to make you a stronger person, you are right, I think once I have sex with a guy, the only difference it may make is that I'm craving that experience even more without curing any of my existing problems.
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lwh999 Wrote:Thanks everyone, doesn't discovering who I am start with having a sexual experience with the gender that I am sexually attracted to, I've had sex with a few women, I've been with one partner for roughly 12 years, I'm not yearning for sex with a woman despite my past sexual experiences, I don't watch straight porn, I find women sexually attractive but I want more than anything to lie naked with another man and to do to him and to have done to me what you folks in this site do naturally, I'm not a bad person for craving this although many ignorant people would think this if I came out, that's why Thailand will be my first experience, I will have total anonymity, I can experience what I've wanted for so long without having to look over my shoulder, I'm not a deviant or a paedo, I think I'm totally normal, I'm attracted to good looking sexy guys unfortunately what other people think back home has such an influence on how a homosexual guy lives his life, if I was asked what I really wanted right now, it would be to meet a nice guy and to have a normal relationship, to really enjoy his company and for us to have an excellent sex life, I'm a million miles away from that.
It is absolutely a perfectly natural place to start, the only thing that worries me my friend is that it sounds to me like you have unrealistic expectations about how this one experience will change your life. I wish you the best and I hope you have a great experience but in my own life I found that first time experiences either gay or straight are typically never what you expect them to be. That being said you are obviously an adult and can make your own decisions, I just hope that you don't come out of this feeling worse than you went into it is all. But if you do , know that the people here on this forum are wonderful people who have helped me and many others with difficult times in their lives and I hope you will feel comfortable seeking help here if you need it.
Richard
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Hello and may i firstly welcome you to the forum,
You are not alone in an unhappy moment in life wanting things we all want except we cant get them when we want them.... Dont dwell on the past and how you longed for a loving relationship and all that because ill put it blunt and honestly.... Your be waiting dwelling wasting the rest of your life thinking on the past not the future... I found with regards to unhappyness where your unable tyo be freely open such as sexuality issues that is puitting pressure on your self esteem so maybe now your alot older and its NOT a phase just start by admitting yourself to those closest and work your way outwards... Spend the next year learning to love yourself for you... Love every minute you have within you as you and show the woprld your a happy free spirit whos proud... Do what I did.... Visit loads of gay communities over the next year... Brighton, Manchester, glasgow (i know ya live there) areas, london and so on... Explore the UK before you resort to a re bound in thailand... I have driven in my peugeot 206 from brighton to glasgow for a weekend last year with my boyfriend and it only cost us £60 in fuel one way plus bnb plus food and drink plus petrol back... In places such as brighton, london, manchester you can find bars doing happy hours... May be banned in scotland but us english havent banned it yet and theres loads of ways to enjoy cheap nights out Save up £500 and if you use it wisely dig out a cheap bnb and your local asda store along with a rationing of money per night your visiting you can make a break a well worth effort...
Once you have achieved this you will learn a little about life giving you an insight to how we all come from a scary dark background where we feel we are unable to be ourselves but it is a way we can all change who and what we are... You will overtime find someone you can click with build up a great circle of friends and meet many one night stands who you can scrrw around with especially in big built up gay areas Brighton london manchester to name a few... No matter how much advice we can give we can guide you with our experiences and suggestions but only you can make your dream come alive in time.... Remember a good fact of life...
Rome wasnt built in a day a week or a month..... Relationships are the same
Kindest regards n hugz
zeon x
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 hi and welcome to the boards.
You are unhappy, mere sex is not going to make you happy. No one is going to make you happy, especially if you are depressed.
Instead of going to Thailand, go to a therapist and start working through all of this 'stuff' you have inside of you. A therapist will do much, much more for you than a boy in the sun.
You are scared to be alone, scared to be with someone. You are hating life and are seeking to runaway from life.
Wherever you go, YOU will be there. Running away from ourselves never, ever, ever works - no matter how fast, how far you run, there you are.
You are going down a dark and dangerous road. Stop. Turn back.
Seek professional help to deal with all of the emotions you have going on.
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To Bowyn Aerrow and everyone else who suggested it, seeking professional help, is not really an option, I'd have to go to the doctors and say I was suicidal before I'd see a therapist, yes professional help would be good but unless I was rich enough to go private, I'm not going to get it, I'm on an average salary, not a big earner, it's the NHS in the uk, seeing a therapist in not an option, I need to solve my problems without seeking a therapist.
"You are going down a dark and dangerous road. Stop. Turn back" Bowyn Aerrow, I know you're trying to help but that statement scares me, things for me are bad, don't want them to get worse, for me that's scary
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iwh did ya read my post i put???? Its not as scary as bowyns but it makes ya realise how you can help sort yaself out.... Evceryone wants therapy therapy therapy but therapy starts with you and you only not them they cant help u u gotta help yaself and read my post 
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote: hi and welcome to the boards.
You are unhappy, mere sex is not going to make you happy. No one is going to make you happy, especially if you are depressed.
Instead of going to Thailand, go to a therapist and start working through all of this 'stuff' you have inside of you. A therapist will do much, much more for you than a boy in the sun.
You are scared to be alone, scared to be with someone. You are hating life and are seeking to runaway from life.
Wherever you go, YOU will be there. Running away from ourselves never, ever, ever works - no matter how fast, how far you run, there you are.
You are going down a dark and dangerous road. Stop. Turn back.
Seek professional help to deal with all of the emotions you have going on.
This is good sensible advice.
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:eek:
lwh999 Wrote:... some of the things you mention are easier said than done, change at my age is difficult dont change, that is why you are unhappy.
lwh999 Wrote:...if I don't do it in Thailand, I will end up paying for sex with a guy back home, it's not like I've got any other offers, no one's going to come knocking on my door dude you go on a date, hang out at a bar, talk to people, make friends. that's how its done, at least if you not a sex offender. what you are doing is no different that what they were doing at Penn State here in the US. You are a pervert and what you are doing is very wrong.
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pellaz Wrote::eek:
dont change, that is why you are unhappy.
dude you go on a date, hang out at a bar, talk to people, make friends. that's how its done, at least if you not a sex offender. what you are doing is no different that what they were doing at Penn State here in the US. You are a pervert and what you are doing is very wrong.
My friend, you are really badmouthing what to me sounds like a person who is just trying to discover himself. Many of us are shocked and unsettled by the sex trade in Taiwan, but perhaps this is all he knows of the gay world. Instead of castigating him why can't we educate him.
Richard
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