A bit lost

[reytla]

Hi guys,

Firstly, I would like to commend you all on an excellent and active community forum. It really is heartening to have stumbled upon this forum and find other people out there with similar likes and in similar situations.

Well, I am a 25 yr old guy from a small city in South Africa. I have been struggling with my sexuality for years and really can't remember when last I could say that I was truly happy.

The reason why I am posting here is that I am in a predicament with my current relationship. I have been dating a guy for two years now and he has been my first serious bf. We are both largely out to our friends but our families are really a no go area. We both still live with our parents ( I am still studying but hoping to move out in the new year.) We are about an hour's drive apart and see each other once a week.

I really do love my bf and have intense feelings of care for him. I can't imagine a life without him because he is just so incredibly special and loving. However, I was getting bored in the relationship. I am quite educated and enjoy similar company. He is very down to earth and is more into the gossip scene and entertainment, etc. He has always been a perfect gentleman to me and truly adores and treats me like a king. However, I just find that it isn't enough lately - and I don't know if it is because we don't have a future or I am just being difficult because I still find loving and being with a man 'weird'.

I am a good and caring person at heart but I cheated on my bf with an old friend about two months ago. I told my bf about it because I really could not base a relationship on a lie. He says he has forgiven me and that we are starting anew. However, I can't seem to forgive myself and ever since then I just simply don't see him in the same way. I am also so grossed out by sex at the moment that I have to imagine that I am in a different place. I really don't know what to do any more and I regret cheating so much. It is not the person I am because I know how much it hurts as I have been on the receiving end before.

[Almac]

Hi reytla, It sounds like you really should consider moving on from your relationship with your boyfriend. That sounds so cold and analytic, however, if you are having doubts now, consider what your feelings might be a few years time down the line? On the other hand you say you've got intense feeling of love for you boyfriend, but find that he's not so well educated as you. But then opposites do attract each other. can you live without him being in your life??? You situation is really an hard one, do you finish with him, or do you carrying on having those feelings? I can only wish you the very best, whatever you choose to do..?

[reytla]

Hey Almac,

Thank you for your reply. I do apologise if my post sounded cold and analytic. I did not mean it as such but my chosen career/study plan trains one to be analytic and logical. I also tend to be way too formal and need to learn to loosen up.

Opposites do tend to attract but finding things in common is what keeps a relationship together I believe. I just want what is best for us both and I really cant't imagine a life without him but don't know if I can be truly romantically close with a guy.

I do finish, yes... but feel so confused.

I might also be getting a scholarship next year to complete my masters in the UK and really don't know what that will mean for our relationship. I don't want to turn down the scholarship if I am offered it as it truly is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

[zeon]

Hello,
To me it sounds like you have not been able to forgive yourself for the sexual act you did which lead to cheating on your partner... I think if you were able to forgive yourself for what you did you would find it more easier and whatnot to continue on with your current relationship... If there are no flaws within this relationship then by all means continue on because it is silly to sortt of loose interest.... Sex can be a healthy part of a balanced relationship and to be honest in my opinonb if you have sex regularly with your partner such as once a week you will continually explore each others needs... I have often understood cheating as a sign that one partner is not giving enoughy sexual intercourse to another.. Of course all our sex drives are different but if you have one higher than the other then giving a little bit of pleasure to relieve it isnt a bad thing....

If its going good mister dont stop with it as you may never know what the next fella could be like

kindest regards

zeon x

[Almac]

Hey Almac,
I might also be getting a scholarship next year to complete my masters in the UK and really don't know what that will mean for our relationship. I don't want to turn down the scholarship if I am offered it as it truly is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

[SIZE="3"][COLOR="DarkGreen"]Oh gosh you can't afford to turn down any chance that comes your way, scholarship's aren't given out so easily and if you earn one then you've got to do it, because if you don't years down the line you may live to regret it. If your relationship is firm then there will be no problem, but if it's rocky then the separation will have an affect. Your impending scholarship may be a way of testing your commitment to your relationship. Either way don't turn down a chance to improve your career... Have you given any thought which university you will be studying at in Britain??
[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[reytla]

Hello,
To me it sounds like you have not been able to forgive yourself for the sexual act you did which lead to cheating on your partner... I think if you were able to forgive yourself for what you did you would find it more easier and whatnot to continue on with your current relationship... If there are no flaws within this relationship then by all means continue on because it is silly to sortt of loose interest.... Sex can be a healthy part of a balanced relationship and to be honest in my opinonb if you have sex regularly with your partner such as once a week you will continually explore each others needs... I have often understood cheating as a sign that one partner is not giving enoughy sexual intercourse to another.. Of course all our sex drives are different but if you have one higher than the other then giving a little bit of pleasure to relieve it isnt a bad thing....

If its going good mister dont stop with it as you may never know what the next fella could be like

kindest regards

zeon x

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I do believe that I need to find it within myself to move on and forgive what I did. It is just hard as I have a habit of being extremely hard on myself. I do still feel relatively inexperienced with the whole sexual aspect though and the act does still freak me out a little...but I do enjoy it... Our relationship does have its flaws. All relationships do I suppose. I just find it hard not to be able to have an intellectually stimulating conversation with my partner and to share my interests with him.

Oh gosh you can't afford to turn down any chance that comes your way, scholarship's aren't given out so easily and if you earn one then you've got to do it, because if you don't years down the line you may live to regret it. If your relationship is firm then there will be no problem, but if it's rocky then the separation will have an affect. Your impending scholarship may be a way of testing your commitment to your relationship. Either way don't turn down a chance to improve your career... Have you given any thought which university you will be studying at in Britain??

It will prove a challenge but in a small way I am looking forward to being given some freedom to be myself again and perhaps to find myself. I am hoping to go the Uni of Edinburgh or Warwick.

[zeon]

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I do believe that I need to find it within myself to move on and forgive what I did. It is just hard as I have a habit of being extremely hard on myself. I do still feel relatively inexperienced with the whole sexual aspect though and the act does still freak me out a little...but I do enjoy it... Our relationship does have its flaws. All relationships do I suppose. I just find it hard not to be able to have an intellectually stimulating conversation with my partner and to share my interests with him.



It will prove a challenge but in a small way I am looking forward to being given some freedom to be myself again and perhaps to find myself. I am hoping to go the Uni of Edinburgh or Warwick.

Alot of people can be hard on themselves because they want to give everything and take nothing however a relationship blooms if it is give and take.... Dont be hard up on yourself and going to get freedom you can do in a relationship as well... The key to it is to trust him the way he trusts you.. Of course he has given you credit for being honest about the fling so as far as thats concerned its done and dusted just know not to let it happen again unless of course you guys have an open relationship.. The old saying what he dont know wont hurt isnt true because the one who did the crime is the one who suffers as guilt eats up from inside... If a relationship didnt have flaws then in my eyes its fake... Yep completely fake just another barbie and ken bits of plastic... Plus a little flaw is healthy as it builds up the relationship to be stronger and clears out any concerning debris along the way... By the sounds of it you got a fantastic relationship and i wouldnt say it is him with the issue by your description i would say you have the problem... Maybe assess your own demands and needs and base it on there as evidence to back up what you feel inside but seriously if the relationship is beautiful then why dampen it?

kindest regards

zeon x

[pellaz]

... I am a 25 yr old guy

Your still very young with lots of time to over come a few mistakes. Just make them a learning thing. Balance this with the next statement.

... I am a good and caring person at heart but I cheated on my bf with an old friend about two months ago. I told my bf about it because I really could not base a relationship on a lie. He says he has forgiven me and that we are starting anew. However, I can't seem to forgive myself ...

-Put things in perspective in that its a two way street. When your partner's behavior is not as expected be prepared to forgive him too.
-The latent bad is that it opens up a channel of mutual distrust between you two.

... Our relationship does have its flaws. All relationships do I suppose. I just find it hard not to be able to have an intellectually stimulating conversation with my partner and to share my interests with him.

-Just be sure the both of you bring something to the table. The sum of you's add up to more than just two.
-My partner is very different than i. I dated guys that shared common interests but did not seem to get along with them any better. Just me.

I am a 25 yr old guy from a small city in South Africa ...

something to consider; boy friends are difficult to find. And when found, we put sooo much effort into their up keep. Dont just toss this person the the curb. Talk it through with him. The local gay population has to be tiny in that small "S African town", let me guess a population of 2 citizens you & him so just be aware of what is perfectly good and how bad things could be. Stick it through for the short term, you will fee different in time.

... I have been struggling with my sexuality for years and really can't remember when last I could say that I was truly happy. ... I have been dating a guy for two years now and he has been my first serious bf. We are both largely out to our friends but our families are really a no go area. We both still live with our parents ( I am still studying but hoping to move out in the new year.)

-We all struggle with who we are but in the end its not important. It is how others see us; so be the best gay, bi or straight man you can be, pick one. Seems the current situation is the gay option. you, a partner and a bed seems to work for you as gay.
-"Things will get better" :confused: when you graduate and become our own person. I cant imagine not being totally out and having a two year old relationship. A situation where you cant even hold hands around your family. dont let this confuse the issue that you love him. Not smart to consider such grave thoughts when your environment is phucked, not optimal.
-an hour away is not big, you could see him every day. Try to skype.

[Almac]

It will prove a challenge but in a small way I am looking forward to being given some freedom to be myself again and perhaps to find myself. I am hoping to go the Uni of Edinburgh or Warwick.

[SIZE="3"][COLOR="DarkGreen"]I think being away and developing your own independence you may find things change in your personal circumstances that will put an end to this confusion you're suffering with. I hope you have a great time In Britain.

Both Edinburgh and Warwick are top universities,if I were being given a choice I would be hard pressed to choose between the two even though Edinburgh I think has the best night life I'm told??? In the end it comes down to who offers the best courses. [/COLOR][/SIZE]

[oldster]

[quote=reytla]Hi guys,

Well, I am a 25 yr old guy from a small city in South Africa. I have been struggling with my sexuality for years and really can't remember when last I could say that I was truly happy.

ok let me say a little i am not trying to do anything other than trying to get you to be 100 % hounest with your self and open your hart to your mind
it seems to me that the you wre not exactly love with your bf and it is more a lust thing
you see and understand that there must be more than just sex in a relationship
and you are still under the infunce of the stright world in the respect that you can not see how a relation ship further than just a sexual one could every work out since from the time you were born you have heard jokes and ben subjecteed tothoughts like look at thoes silly gay guys trying to be more than just sexual they need to dress up as women and every thing like that so they are more in line with gods plan and all the other subtiler crap you are taught in school and in life to the point you can't even trust your own hart.so start studing the history of homosexuality and see how it worked study greek mythology and go forward from there they belived at one time that you went with a woman to propagate the species
but with a man for fufillment of pleasure with a man youknow what he likes instintvly
and can feel his reactions to your touch and caress soyou know how to further the excitement and pleasure while you are with your bf i suspect up till now the lust factor has
over comee the need for a more compleat relationship plus you are not exactly how
to have more than a just purly sexual relationship with this loveing careing guy and dont want to hurt him you may have actualy cheated on him because you know how you would feel about that sort of betrayel andnow he has not done what you planed you are not sure how to proceed have you been fully honest with him and yourself. you say it kinda grosses you out the thought of gay sex well how did you get into this relationship in the first place
i had a lover i introduced to gay sex and he was young a bit younger that i even knew as he had fals id but to be fair to him and be sure we could build a life together we tryed girls and boys and groups till we had been exposed to the gammit of sex (no pain giveing or getting) agter ten yearsof togetherness we talked it over and commited to each other for life + so we were together for 34 years not that herewernt bumps in the road .but i was always true to him and would tather he go with someone else and be happy to be miseriable with me his happyness was paramont in my mind. anyway thats whati think of true love but i never let the physicl part be the nost important part just our love and togetherness that mattered so have an open and frnk discussion with this guy and with yourself and maby you need an open relationship but be trye to yourself if you want an education first then put that first and make sure you both understand whats important to you have you gay feelings not just sexual lust full drives and what do you expect to get out of life spread your seed and have family see it depends on wheither you need a family to fufill your destany or can your love and happyness be enough lots of ways for thingsto go i aam sure one day we will be able to adopt but some guys it has to be a little them running around that can fufill their expetations and suchto me my life is whats good for me i dont need any other runners in a never ending relay type life
so you may find that all this bf is to you is someone that made you feel great because it is hard for you to be accepted in your family for who you really are and you may feel it necessary to live the life they want you to live well i say maby you should decited that its your life not theirs .
and find some one that you click with that you spend all night talking and suddenly realise the whole night has gone like a puff of smoke and it felt more like 15min to youand you found that you both think alike i dont mean you have to have the same views but you both analize things before commiting to a point of viewand you feel so damm comfortable that
its you and him make a compleate person and you have a hard time hanging the phone up you wanthim to hang up on you so he feels ok with it and dosent feel a tiney bit of rejection from you i thinky ou get the idea with out much more rambling from me maby not all your points were hit upon but you can go from there if you open up and constantly question the why of everything you do .