Hey guys, me and my bf of 10 months are in a rough patch. I have a higher sex drive then him and try my best not to pressure him to do anything he doesn't want to.
The issue for me is he's only in the mood once a week, if I'm lucky. I've started to get really fed up with it. It also doesn't help that i know he was much more active in past relationships and always has wandering eyes....
Am I asking too much or what? What would you guys do if you were in my position??
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This goes back and forth like a see saw for me and my companion. Every once in a while it flips; first I want more sex, then he wants more sex, then I want... and so on. If you are in for the long haul, get used to it.   mile:
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Oh, also, I can't vote here because I don't agree with any of the options. I am happier with my companion of 20 years than I think I ever could be with anybody else. I would like to hope for you that you could have this one day. So I would ask myself if he was who you want to end up with and if it is yes, stay in for the long haul. Otherwise, if it is not, I don't know what you are getting out of your relationship, so I am not in a position to advise. I come from the position of somebody who is happy that he has been deeply committed.
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Ceruleaan Wrote:Hey guys, me and my bf of 10 months are in a rough patch. I have a higher sex drive then him and try my best not to pressure him to do anything he doesn't want to.
The issue for me is he's only in the mood once a week, if I'm lucky. I've started to get really fed up with it. It also doesn't help that i know he was much more active in past relationships and always has wandering eyes....
Am I asking too much or what? What would you guys do if you were in my position??
I for one would ask him 'what's going on'. For instance, I do not know if he works, if he has seasonal depression, if there is other arguments going on, his general health... lots of possibilities lie here that communication will reveal.
I bet you have wandering eyes as well - I can't think of a man who doesn't look - its in our nature to look, and stare and even make crude comments and other stuff when a good looking 'hot' person walks by. It doesn't mean we are cheating or planning on cheating. Short of popping his eye balls out, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from looking.
If he works he most likely is tired, if he has stress he most likely lacks interest in the act.
I have heard nothing about romance in your relationship, or other aspects of your relationship - are you two getting along? Is there an underlying 'argument' currently going on?
A have you tried to romance him? Offer massage, do cuddling? Are you waiting for him to make moves towards the bedroom or is he expecting you to make the moves?
He might of had lots of sex in past relationships because he felt it was 'necessary'. He might actually feel that all of that sex is not necessary with you because you to love each other, thus he doesn't feel like he has to pay or put out to stay with you. He may just be very comfortable with what you two have, thus is not pushing sex thinking maybe it may be too much.
I know why I don't have that much sex in my relationship. But then we talk about it and know how the other feels - health wise, stress wise, work wise, etc. We communicate.
Try it.
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Ok, how often did you guys alternate. Because its been like with with him from day one. I thought it was just an opening up thing, perhaps it still is. I just think <1/week for 10 mos means something has to be at issues, whether its him or I, I'm unsure. I just don't know if I'm up for it and want as many other perspectives as I can get.
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Thanks Bowyn,
I have tried to communicate with him before, but he can be quite thick about. He doesn't have too much to be stressed over, but if something was at issue, I don't know if he'd talk to me about it.
As for our romance, we get along great, but when it comes to anything intimate, not just sex, he just seems generally disinterest.
One other thing that confuses me a bit. On the rare occasions when he wants to get rowdy and I'm not in the mood, he gets me to do all the work....
I don't know what to make of it or what my problem is; let alone how to fix it... Would it be better for him if I broke it off?
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Ceruleaan Wrote:Ok, how often did you guys alternate. Because its been like with with him from day one. I thought it was just an opening up thing, perhaps it still is. I just think <1/week for 10 mos means something has to be at issues, whether its him or I, I'm unsure. I just don't know if I'm up for it and want as many other perspectives as I can get. Well, honestly, for us it takes sometimes years to shift. There are times we want it just as much and other times we both are disinterested for a while. We have so much more to our relationship that although it causes friction perenialy, we are able to deal with it very well now. The biggest thing I have found was to talk a lot and as openly as possible. That way it is less likely for resentment to build up. Resentment is a relationship killer, as if you needed me to tell you that.
I would look to Browyn's advice. He's pretty brilliant. There will be a lot of good advice offered here. It seems everybody sincerely cares. mile:
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Ceruleaan Wrote:Ok, how often did you guys alternate. Because its been like with with him from day one. I thought it was just an opening up thing, perhaps it still is. I just think <1/week for 10 mos means something has to be at issues, whether its him or I, I'm unsure. I just don't know if I'm up for it and want as many other perspectives as I can get.
Alternate? If you mean who initiates, that would be 'me'. My partner feels more comfortable being 'passive' in every way..... We did come up with the candle lighting ceremony, where I would be able to get a clue... if I come in the house and smell cinnamon candles burning, then I know that he is wanting to play.
He would never, ever initiate. He is uncomfortable with being the one to broach the subject... One of many subjects that we have been in and out of couple's counseling on.
Passive/aggressive may also be something at work here.... I do not know who does what in your relationship.
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Ceruleaan Wrote:Thanks Bowyn,
I have tried to communicate with him before, but he can be quite thick about. He doesn't have too much to be stressed over, but if something was at issue, I don't know if he'd talk to me about it.
As for our romance, we get along great, but when it comes to anything intimate, not just sex, he just seems generally disinterest.
One other thing that confuses me a bit. On the rare occasions when he wants to get rowdy and I'm not in the mood, he gets me to do all the work....
I don't know what to make of it or what my problem is; let alone how to fix it... Would it be better for him if I broke it off?
Sounds like he is being submissive to you - in more than just the sex act....
I am seeing codependency in his behavior....
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So then it might be better for him I do end it? Or at least broach the topic of him being more self-directed?
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