Catch 22?

[starlight777]

Hey everybody

I'm in a bit of a delicate situation, and in search for an answer I stumbled over this wonderful site here.

All in all, my boyfriend, actually fiancé as of lately, and I are extremely happy. After more than a year together, we still have chemistry like on day one, and we've really grown closer and closer. At the moment, we're in a long distance relationship (he's around 300km away), but it's not too much of a problem since our jobs and studies are quite flexible. So things are really going well, except for one thing: weed.

I'm not against smoking weed, have done it myself occasionally. But when my mate and I grew closer early last spring, I noticed that he smoked quite a lot, not every day, but regularly, and it caused him to neglect some responsibilities towards his work, and towards me. We worked out a set of rules for him to get off it gradually, and eventually phased it out completely around August. In the process, I might have been a bit too harsh and strict on him, and we both hurt each other, more than just a little.

Eventually, we agreed on banning the grass completely, and it worked well for a couple of months. But I was still a bit too hurt about everything and so I did something I shouldn't have: installed spyware on his smartphone without him knowing to find out whether he's smoking or not whenever we're apart. And as of lately, he is. Occasionally, still, and he still lives up to his responsibilities, but it does not change the fact that he broke our agreement. I tried to give him hints and give him a lot of opportunities to tell me about it, saying that we're past everything and can tell each other everything, etc., but no matter how much I presented him with the opportunity on a silver platter to confess without any consequences, he didn't.

Now I feel I'm in a no-win situation. If I confronted him, he would know I have spied on him and broke his trust. I'm not proud of that, actually to some extent ashamed, and I don't want to hurt him so I don't want to do that. But if I won't confront him, the fact that I know he is lying to me about it makes me feel like he is making a fool of me right in my face and I feel over time it might drive me away, at least subconsciously. I know both him and I want to build a life together so I don't want that to happen either. Catch 22?

So that's the situation…any advice would be really, really appreciated. Thank you

[fredv3b]

I'd forgive the occasional smoke while I was away, so long as he kept to his responsibilities.


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[mrk2010]

Just tell him the truth of how you feel, no harm can come of it. Just explain the situation, drugs kill end of, tell him your views. In the end it was one smoke I'm sure you can forgive and forget.

[Pix]

If it's not adversely affecting his behavior then I personally would keep quiet. If he becomes irresponsible again (that is, neglecting his obligations) then you'd have justification to express belief he was toking without admitting you were spying, and the entire point of getting him to quit was to curb his bad behavior, not the smoking itself. Hopefully, his habit is curbed enough now that it won't negatively affect him anymore.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Alcohol, weed, drugs et al are a problem when life begins to be come unmanageable.

Seems to me he has a little problem since he smokes and becomes neglectful, how manageable is his drug use? How unmanageable is his life? These are questions he is going to have to ask and answer for himself.

The answers should decide if he seeks to totally stop or not.

You can not and should not even try to make that decision for him. If he is addicted and you deny him his addiction, his addiction will find ways to lie, steal, corrupt, bend the rules, sneak, hide, etc. It often leads to a worsening of the addiction when we force an addict 'underground'.

"installed spyware on his smartphone without him knowing to find out whether he's smoking or not whenever we're apart."

This is a control issue of yours, you really need to work on yourself on this. This is beyond the rights and duty of a spouse.

He broke your trust (agreement) and you broke his trust (spying on him). Two wrongs do not make a right.

Back up, come to a complete stop and reexamine the situation. Let him be a weekend warrior - meaning he gets to smoke dope when he does not have other business to attend to. If he can smoke sociably I tip my hat to him. If he finds that he needs that next toke, then suggest a program of recovery for him.

If he can be satisfied with week-end joints, or joints during a time where he isn't tasked to other responsibility let him have his fun.

Prohibition doesn't work. Period.

Find a compromise.

[oldster]

was it "our" agreement or your mandate and kept after him till he said he agreed with your porposal
that no more weed many people feel that something they want /need forces them to lie not to hurt the other party but they justaafi this in some way and keep peace in the family so to speak.
i am not saying that it's fine to go on binges with drugs just perhaps you could revisit the decision
about your agreement and say that maby you shouldent have pushed so hard but you felt this was best for him and get him to open to you he may admit he sorta changed the rules and why he felt this necessary that way you don't have to admit doing the spying thing but i wouldent be surprised if the spying came up to bite you in the ass in the future but try to work this out best you can but remeember its his life and so you can only help guide him not make him do something against his nature perhaps show him how it sometimes messes up a persons life but without being too preachy and show him thousands of exxamples

[East]

There is always going to be a potential set of built in problems when you try to change someone...the best laid plans and all that jazz....

I think the spyware is a far more serious violation of trust than his smoking weed occasionally. You are playing in dangerous territory there and my advice would be to forget about the perceived problem (him lying) and have a really deep and insightful conversation with yourself concerning the use of spyware and what the greater implications are of doing that. The reason I say this...that behavior is far more concerning than smoking pot in my opinion.

I hope I am not coming off too harsh...my intent is to give you some useful advice from my perspective and I do wish you luck with your Catch 22.

[Kyle]

I guess it's not so easy to give up smoking when you are addicted and you say he smoked it regularly.
Don't get offended and think he's making fool of you. I guess he started smoking because he's away. Smoking occasionally is OK I mean if it's really occasionally.
Once you two are again in the same town then you can get a chance to talk about that again if you ever witness him smoking. and yes, don't tell him about spyware. I'm sure he doesn't feel comfortable lying you but he will be upset to know what you did.

[starlight777]

Thank you guys, I think all of you make some sense here...

It's true, two wrongs don't make a right, and I need to stop spying on him. "East" is right when he says that the spyware is a more grave violation of trust than the weed smoking, and that I need to stop it.

Nonetheless, I don't care so much about the fact that he smokes although we agreed we wouldn't, but more about the fact that he is lying about it persistently despite the fact that I have given him countless opportunities to come clean without me being mad or thinking about consequences...

Because I also agree with those of you who say that the occasional joint, as long as it does not affect his responsibilities or our relationship, is not the problem. I mean I used to smoke myself, so I'm not ex ante judging people smoking weed. The whole ban on weed for the two of us really only was agreed on because he couldn't use it responsibly anymore.

Do you guys think I should solve this by telling him that I see that he has improved and that I'm okay with it now as long as he keeps his responsibilities and is honest about it? And if yes, how should I deal with the fact that he kept it from me? Just accept that he lied and move on?

[East]

I do understand the lying part bothering you...lying bothers me as well.....but in this case I think maybe it might help to put the lie in perspective and instead of asking him about it maybe you can come to terms with it and negotiate it yourself.

I can tell you what I do in similar situations...I find when I am bothered by something I try to put myself in the same situation and see if I have been guilty of the same thing that is bothering me...usually the answer is yes. In other words...is there something you are not completely truthful about with him? Remember every problem that lies in front of you has the potential to make you alot wiser depending upon how you approach it.