I need to get some help with this guy that I'm involved with. I'll give some examples of how he's conflicting to me.
He mentioned a couple weeks ago that he saw this dude at the gym and that he has a nice toned body. He also admitted that he thinks he's hotter than he is. Today I talked with him and he said that he doesn't think that he's that good looking but that he does have a good build. This doesn't make sense to me at all.
He admits to me that he's bisexual. I ask him what are the likely chance that he would do something with another guy -- he says 5%. Today he says that he is only interested in me and if he stopped being with me that he wouldn't do something with another guy. This doesn't make sense. In other words, I accept with bisexuality that most people are more into one sex over the other. But, if he says that he's bisexual how could he totally rule out that he wouldn't do something with a guy and then he says things that suggest he will? I can accept he's more into girls as a possibility but I can't help but think he gets a desire and urge to do stuff with guys from time to time and he mentions them on a frequent basis more than girls around me. I'm gay by the way.
He also before admitting that he was bisexual when I would ask would you ever do something with another guy he would say when I first met him which has been a few years now -- that if he were out of town and no one could find out that there would be a 40% chance that he would do so. And then he would go back and forth. When I would ask him before he admitted his sexual orientation that would he do something with another guy he says no i wouldn't do that. A little while later he will say if I did hook up with a guy I would bring him back to my place. Again this doesn't make sense.
He states that he is mainly into girls and that's where he stands. It's like he says one thing and then another. What is your opinion on this? Why is he being so conflicting and it's like on the one hand he's saying one thing and then another? Have any of you met others that are like this? I have talked with him about this conflicting thing but his behavior never changes and I tell him it's like not being truthful and all. It's so frustrating.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Sounds like he has no clue what he like from one day to the next, so I would venture to say that is is just as confused as you are.
•
But this has been going on for a few years now. So how can this be normal to be so conflicting? It's just odd to me and if someone asked me things I would answer them and be consistent. I could see if it was something recent but this has been going on for a long time.
And if he says he's bisexual which means that he's sexually attracted to girls and guys like I say he may be more into girls -- but how could he rule out doing something with a guy then later say that he would just doesn't make sense. That's like me saying I'm gay which I am and saying I wouldn't do anything with another guy and then saying I would.
If I were confused or wasn't sure I would just say sorry don't know or not sure. It frustrates me and no matter what I have talked with him about it countless times and he keeps doing it all the time.
If you asked him about other things like music, and those kinds of things he's always consistent.
•
He might be in that 'shift period' that time where one is coming to terms with who and what they are, even though society has programed them that it is wrong.
Many guys on the road to self acceptance go through a 'bi-phase' where they can't decide how gay or how straight they are. It is a way of easing into it gently thus buying time to attempt to reconcile what they are with a world that still tells them that its wrong, they are going to hell, they have failed as a human being, etc.
I have no idea what kind of household he was raised in, not his particular set of life experiences. It may be a far harder adjustment for him to accept his gay-side with any real certainty.
If he is die in the wool bisexual, he may be having and even harder time since he is most likely toying with the idea that he can be 'mostly straight' and then 'straight' after being mostly straight for a while, thus being 'normal' in the eyes of society.
His self esteem outlook may be a reflection of the same internal conflict.
He may unhappy about his 'gay' side thus sees a reflection of that in everything else dealing with himself.
Believe it or not, a lot of gay/bi people do not want to be gay. They want 'normal' hetero relationships and live up to the idealized dream of marriage, 2.5 kids 2 cars and an RV, the white picket fence and to be in debt up to their eyeballs.
As for going back and forth, some days you feel like its a good thing, some days you feel its a bad thing. Depends on the local weather, how people are treating him that day, how well he was able to go through the day without being reminded that he is 'wrong' in society's eyes.
•
The previous post made much sense and I can understand that. So do you think that it might be that he is realizing that guys are having a real impact on him but he is having a problem with it because of what society thinks and other factors such as family? That's what I have thought too.
He did mention today when I had told him that when I have talked with his other friends that they have said that he is bisexual or that they think he's gay and he said, "I am comfortable with my sexuality and I don't care what others think about me." By saying this it's like it seems he realizes that people are aware but he won't admit it to certain friends and a few of his friends would be very accepting because they have gay family or friends and he stated to me, "I feel comfortable telling you," which I am happy about and maybe he just isn't ready to tell others.
His one close friend when he has interacted with him and some other people at a party and on several occasions in front of him and his friends said "He's bisexual" and he never says a word about it, never gets upset, and doesn't say anything so it's like many of his friends assume he's either bisexual or gay so with his previous comments, if he's comfortable with his sexuality than it seems confusing to me as to why he would be afraid to disclose it to them but he does know that I would keep things private and confidential.
And I love him and want to continue to be with him but it gets sort of disappointing having him be so conflicting with me. I don't think he's lying, but it's sort of being not level with me either. And one of the things as to why I think he wants me around no matter how upset we get with each other is that this is one of the reasons is becaise I'm gay and he feels comfortable telling me but then it's like these other things just go from one point to the other.
•
never know he might have started out lieing to you and now cant really aadmit some things even to him self and he means he would only 5% like another guy so he can still be the one you got that is 96 % stright either in his mind or just to make you feel like he is your conquest and he would never with other guys you know about like a freinda girl we will be there and she will stamp her foot about something
and her mom and i would ask why did you laugh and she will stand there and deny stamping
took us two years for us to decypered that she had in fact lstomped her footd butr she hadent ment to stamp so she says she did and never mentioning that she had not ment to lstamp her foot just uses a diffrent language for
one thing and a diffrent language for another and you guess whitch they are speaking thats why it seems constient ly diffrent it might be that he means if it was with you or something like that and he hears the other words in his head they just dont get verbalized to you it is certantly confusing then there is also if i admit this it makes me this but if i denie it in a cleaver way then i could be this or that
dont know if that makes any sence to you oe not but many people have a hard time comeing out to themselves let alone other people
•
He is most likely saying 'I'm comfortable with my sexuality' because he thinks that that is what people want to hear. It may be that he is having a hard time coming to grips with it internally and feels he is somehow less of a person because he has the struggle.
We males are trained early on to be strong, unemotional and to not have 'issues'. We internalize a lot due to the expectations of the society we live in.
EXAMPLE: I have chronic pain - nary a day goes by without me feeling pain. I lie through my teeth, even to my partner by saying 'Nothing is wrong, I'm OK.' I am not just 'hiding' my pain from others because it feels good to lie, I do it to save them the misery of sharing that pain with me. I'm also conflicted by 40+ years of being told 'men don't cry, men don't snivel when it comes to pain'.
I do not want to be a burden, so I lie - constantly - about how much pain I am in. I save face, I am not perceived as weak, I am living up to the expectations of society, blah blah blah....
He most likely is lying about how conflicted he is, he is most likely terrified at the possible rejection he may suffer if he comes fully out. Fear is a powerful motivator, Rarely does rational thinking and fear harmonize.
I do not know his personal experiences, maybe he witnessed first hand some terrible gay bashing and that memory pops to mind every time he considered coming out. I personally have seen men who have beaten with a baseball bat and other tools... Seeing them in a hospital bed has left a huge impression on me and makes me more than a little reluctant to be 'out' of the closet fully and completely.
Possibly he bashed gays in his youth - maybe not physically, but verbally and is feeling intense guilt and is unable to talk about what he did and the impact it had. He might think what goes around comes around and his coming out fully means he will be on the receiving end of retribution.
Ultimately I do not know... I can suspect a lot here, I can imagine a lot of scenarios that could stick with him and make him reluctant to come out.
I think he is trying to be open and honest with you to the limit of his ability.
Ability and willingness are two different things. He may be very willing to explode his closet and have done with it, but is unable to set the charges and let it go up in a blaze of glory.
•
He's confused or " questioning" as they now say.
•
Guy frustrates me -- he's so conflicting
