So it has been two months since the break up with my ex and I am still alive lol. Which is good. The problem is I am torn between two places right now. If you read my thread from a couple months ago you know the situation already... well I need some new advice.
One part of my brain is blaming myself for the break up because I did not look after myself. I have had anxiety and I have a hard time sticking to my goals. I really do have the intention of doing the things I set goals for. I.e. Work out, learn an instrument, get healthy etc... but it always seems like something gets in the way. It got to the point where I was obsessing over things way too much and started getting panick attacks. It is all related to the now past relationship I had. I was afraid that if I start actually doing these things and looking after myself it would leave no time for the relationship, because he was making sure to look after himself and was barely available... which meant I had to make sure I was available. At least thats what went through my head. He never made any plans for our future, just his, so I thought that I had to work hard on keeping myself in the picture. Now I see that I probably did the opposite by never acheiving any of my personal goals.
Now I see my ex on facebook pictures of friends which i try not to look at, and he s looking sexier than ever, he is hitting the gym and his muscles are starting to show a lot of definition. Makes me crave him even more. The thing is part of me wants to move on and go ahead and work out and do better for myself, but it is for the wrong reasons.
I want to do better for myself because I want to try to win him back and show him how much of a catch and how much he will be missing if he doesnt come back to me.
I know that I shouldnt think that way, and I really need to push him out of my head. I should want a better body and be healthy for myself, not for someone else. but in the back of my head I am telling myself that if I look like i ve put myself back together, he ll want me back.
I really need to clear my focus before it gets out of hand, and truly accept that he is gone forever. It is just really hard as one day I will have a good day and the next I will have a bad day. I need to invest in myself for myself. not anyone else. I know that. but my thoughts tell me otherwise. so frustrating.
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Glad to hear you are not blaming him for everything and actually can see your 'part' in this relationship and its break up. Too many people get into the blame game and are focused forever on the faults of their ex that they never see their part in it and end up making the same mistake(s) with their next partner, and the one after that, and the one after that.
Being able to see your 'problems' is really a good step in the right direction. I would give you a brownie button but I absolutely positively hate brownies - their horrid little critters....:biggrin:
Stop shoulding on yourself - yes that sounds a lot like 'stop shitting on yourself' because both are essentially the same.
You feel ___________ because of __________ Feelings are valid, yes even the 'wrong' feelings are valid as well.
Accept the feelings and don't set any high standards based on what you think 'should' and 'shouldn't' take place.
Instead try to set healthy goals for yourself based on what you need. yes you identified that building the ideal body to win him back is kind of a sucky idea... So lets work with that - what can you do instead that benefits you?
There is the 5 stages of greif AKA Kübler-Ross Model which is often applied only to the greif of death, however what few people understand is that a death of a relationship is as poignant and heart ripping as the death of person - often more so since the end of a relationship often means that both parties survive and there is no definitive real finish and a lot of 'could have beens'.
There is Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance. I think that this 'If I get a better body he will take me back' thing you got going on is part of the bargaining stage.
Which means that according to Kübler-Ross you are terribly normal - going through the normative process here and undoubtedly right on schedule for you in this particular breakup.
As for your personal goals, well it would appear that you have come face to face with one of your foibles - which means you are learning something of yourself from this whole situation. That is very human of you and actually the better side of being human since so many people flat refuse to learn anything from their experiences, thus make the same mistakes over and over again.
This is all to say that from what you have written you are acutely human and 'normal' and that you are doing the right things and going through the right processed which leads to a 'better you' down the road.
Yes it sucks, it hurts and it causes a lot of unwanted painful emotions - but its all part of the processes that 'becoming more' is all about.
If looking at his improvements infuriates you and gets you to do the right things to improve your body - then call it motivation... There is nothing wrong with a bit of competition and even this sort of 'negative' can be a good motivation - at least in the short term until you figure out with your heart what you apparently understand in your brain.
Personally I fail to see why you think you need this other body you aspire too. but them I'm pretty satisfied with my own bones and lack of muscle mass - I figure if a person is going to love me they gotta love the package that me comes in. If they can't love the total package they are beneath me and do not deserve me in their life.
I mean if you seriously want that body (Me thinks you don't, because lets face it gym workouts are hard labor and gains are slow and there are much funner ways to spend ones time) then turn this around and use it as a motivation.
I have no idea what 'get healthy means' To me it sounds like something a person does when they see a doctor or take medicine....
Unless you are obese to the point of morbidity and your doctor is telling you you need to cut back on the grease and sugar before you have a heart attack... you most likely are healthy and fit for whatever you do in life.
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Sweetie he is your ex for a reason , it's only natural that you still find him attractive , you are still grieving the loss of the relationship.
In order to move forward you have to stop looking in the review mirror.
remove him from your facebook and start putting yourself and your goals first.
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Be the best you can be, make him want you back, but you really shouldn't get back together with him =.= the relationship sounds like a little bit toxic for you,not him.
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Glad to hear you are not blaming him for everything and actually can see your 'part' in this relationship and its break up. Too many people get into the blame game and are focused forever on the faults of their ex that they never see their part in it and end up making the same mistake(s) with their next partner, and the one after that, and the one after that.
Being able to see your 'problems' is really a good step in the right direction. I would give you a brownie button but I absolutely positively hate brownies - their horrid little critters....:biggrin:
Stop shoulding on yourself - yes that sounds a lot like 'stop shitting on yourself' because both are essentially the same.
You feel ___________ because of __________ Feelings are valid, yes even the 'wrong' feelings are valid as well.
Accept the feelings and don't set any high standards based on what you think 'should' and 'shouldn't' take place.
Instead try to set healthy goals for yourself based on what you need. yes you identified that building the ideal body to win him back is kind of a sucky idea... So lets work with that - what can you do instead that benefits you?
There is the 5 stages of greif AKA Kübler-Ross Model which is often applied only to the greif of death, however what few people understand is that a death of a relationship is as poignant and heart ripping as the death of person - often more so since the end of a relationship often means that both parties survive and there is no definitive real finish and a lot of 'could have beens'.
There is Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance. I think that this 'If I get a better body he will take me back' thing you got going on is part of the bargaining stage.
Which means that according to Kübler-Ross you are terribly normal - going through the normative process here and undoubtedly right on schedule for you in this particular breakup.
As for your personal goals, well it would appear that you have come face to face with one of your foibles - which means you are learning something of yourself from this whole situation. That is very human of you and actually the better side of being human since so many people flat refuse to learn anything from their experiences, thus make the same mistakes over and over again.
This is all to say that from what you have written you are acutely human and 'normal' and that you are doing the right things and going through the right processed which leads to a 'better you' down the road.
Yes it sucks, it hurts and it causes a lot of unwanted painful emotions - but its all part of the processes that 'becoming more' is all about.
If looking at his improvements infuriates you and gets you to do the right things to improve your body - then call it motivation... There is nothing wrong with a bit of competition and even this sort of 'negative' can be a good motivation - at least in the short term until you figure out with your heart what you apparently understand in your brain.
Personally I fail to see why you think you need this other body you aspire too. but them I'm pretty satisfied with my own bones and lack of muscle mass - I figure if a person is going to love me they gotta love the package that me comes in. If they can't love the total package they are beneath me and do not deserve me in their life.
I mean if you seriously want that body (Me thinks you don't, because lets face it gym workouts are hard labor and gains are slow and there are much funner ways to spend ones time) then turn this around and use it as a motivation.
I have no idea what 'get healthy means' To me it sounds like something a person does when they see a doctor or take medicine....
Unless you are obese to the point of morbidity and your doctor is telling you you need to cut back on the grease and sugar before you have a heart attack... you most likely are healthy and fit for whatever you do in life. Thank you, I have been going through a lot and it is nice to hear someone say that what I going through is normal. I think yesterday I wanted a nicer body because of competition. The truth is what I mean by being healthy is eating healthier, having a routine, and doing some exercises. I want to feel healthy enough to play some sports that I like, badminton, tennis etc... I just feel really out of shape. My personal goal is to have a more toned body and be able to endure a whole game of whatever I play. I believe that if I was looking after myself properly and being kind to myself, I would have probably ende the relationship sooner myself. I just new to find away to stop the what ifs and move on .
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So, we didnt COMPLETELY delete him from our electronic life, huh?
Naughty boy.
Yes, you need to completely delete EVERYTHING...no matter how small or "insignificant" from your life.
Force yourself to stay off of FB for at least 6 months. If your real friends and family want to talk to you, they know how to get in touch with you.
You CAN "do it all", you just cant do it all at one time!!!
If you want to learn (for example) how to play the tuba, clog dance, and snorkel.......you can learn all of those. ONE AT A TIME.
Find a tuba class that fits your schedule and needs. Once you have graduated from this class, and are happy with the results, go on to learning clog dancing. Once you have learned that to your satisfaction, then move on to snorkeling.
My suggestion would be to learn what YOU personally want to learn. The things you would like to learn with a boyfriend, keep until you are dating someone else. Learning something fun together is a real relationship builder.
AND....if you are taking these classes to learn things....who knows WHO you could meet in any of these classes!!! You know????
Dont limit yourself, but dont try to do everything all at once....you will just have a brain spasm and get a load of anxiety. And we dont want that now, do we? No.
I would also suggest your next learning experience should be a meditation class. You need to learn how to control your urges and put things into perspective. I believe that would help you a lot.
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I completely understand what you're going through, because I went through the exact same thing with my ex 7 months ago. Not only did I drop out of school for him, I spent the majority of money I made traveling to visit him, (he never did the same), and pretty much lost contact with my friends as well. When I look back on it, I realized I shouldn't give myself up so entirely to a person, especially not so quickly, and maybe not ever to that degree again. I am no longer trying to make someone else to be the purpose of my life. I want someone to grow with, not someone who becomes my entire life. Maybe I'll never find them, and that's why I have to make myself be okay without having someone to focus on.
I really support getting on the health track. Eating better and daily exercise makes me feel so good about myself. The mental effects are almost better than the physical ones. And I'm forming good habits that will help me live a longer and more happy life. Don't make the purpose of being healthy being to get a certain look, or body though. Learn to feel sexy and love yourself regardless. Health is about feeling good, not looking good. Looking good is certainly a side bonus though  Just find goals to set for yourself and make the plunge. As someone who also suffers from anxiety as well, I totally understand how hard it is to stay motivated enough to keep doing something. But for myself, I have found that once I form a habit out of something, and start seeing progress, it's a lot easier to stick with it. Anyways, good luck and I hope this helped! I know you can improve yourself. It's just mind over matter! 
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VagabondKitten Wrote:I completely understand what you're going through, because I went through the exact same thing with my ex 7 months ago. Not only did I drop out of school for him, I spent the majority of money I made traveling to visit him, (he never did the same), and pretty much lost contact with my friends as well. When I look back on it, I realized I shouldn't give myself up so entirely to a person, especially not so quickly, and maybe not ever to that degree again. I am no longer trying to make someone else to be the purpose of my life. I want someone to grow with, not someone who becomes my entire life. Maybe I'll never find them, and that's why I have to make myself be okay without having someone to focus on.
I really support getting on the health track. Eating better and daily exercise makes me feel so good about myself. The mental effects are almost better than the physical ones. And I'm forming good habits that will help me live a longer and more happy life. Don't make the purpose of being healthy being to get a certain look, or body though. Learn to feel sexy and love yourself regardless. Health is about feeling good, not looking good. Looking good is certainly a side bonus though Just find goals to set for yourself and make the plunge. As someone who also suffers from anxiety as well, I totally understand how hard it is to stay motivated enough to keep doing something. But for myself, I have found that once I form a habit out of something, and start seeing progress, it's a lot easier to stick with it. Anyways, good luck and I hope this helped! I know you can improve yourself. It's just mind over matter!
Thank you for your honest reply nice to hear someone that has went through a similar experience. Your right I should just do exercise and eat well for my health, not to look a certain way
Today has been rough because it would have been our anniversary today. All these memories flooding back. I m sort of taking this day to mourn what happened and then hopefully I will get better from here. Trying out my new habits when i get back to work tomorrow. Hopefully I can stick through a good routine an entire week.
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It will take time but you'll get there.
That light at the end of the tunnel - it aint a train!
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Its hard isn't it? I know how darkenedshadow and vagabondkitten feel. My ex left me last month and I am still trying to get over it. I am much better than I was before but it wasn't easy especially as he seemed just right for me (he was a PhD. science student, super-smart, good looking, multilingual, ein ubermensch! plus he was Lithuanian so had a cute foreign accent). Its still hard but I am getting out there and even had a date on Friday with some Brazillian guy who seemed nice. Problem is it was one-way love, I met him and fell in love with him too quickly and whilst he had a crush on me the feelings of love went in one direction only from me to him. They weren't reciprocated.
I am still friends with him but I've put some distance between us which helps. Chatting to guys and getting out and about helps. You don't have to go to the gym and I dunno what its like over there but its too damn hot for the gym in the UK atm (we have a heatwave). I don't like gyms much anyway, just try martial arts classes, running, cycling, yoga, etc. that stuff works well. I want to do more of that myself.
Most importantly, try to get more dates with other guys, that's what I am trying to do and it helps you to move on.
And finally I'd just like to say shame on them for dumping us! How dare they? lol I'd just get fit, try and be happy and think to yourself 'you know what? My ex doesn't know what he's missing'! Works everytime!
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conflicting thoughts on moving on
