Was there a moment you realized that you were gay?

[gfxtwin]

There was a time when I was legitimately attracted to girls. I couldn't think about anything else in middle school and even before. I could flirt with them successfully, I was curious about vaginas, etc. For all intents and purposes I behaved like a typical straight boy. I wasn't depressed, a bit hyper now and then, but totally functional.

Then, with each successive denial by a girl, my sex drive dropped lower and lower. In high school I was that creepy fat kid that had no friends and everyone knew I jerked off a lot because I couldn't get laid. I think the reason for this was because I was convinced that there was no hope in ever getting laid because I wasn't a cocky, masculine guy who played sports, drank a lot and went to parties. I didn't care about any of that stuff, only sex, drawing, and writing.

By college I started becoming more and more attracted to men (well, not the bodies, but the genitals attached) and drifted further and further away from my fantasies of girls. I was smoking a lot of pot at this time and hung around friends that were just as aimless as me.

Then, one day in 2004 at my grandparents lakehouse, something shocking happened to me that changed everything. I was smoking by myself and got really, really high and it occurred to me, in a psychedelic eureka moment, that the entire universe is composed of the masculine and the feminine. Nature and Grace. Linear/branchlike and cyclical. Whatever the names are for these two forces. For example, almost all life or even mass in the observable universe is either linear/branchlike or cyclical/circular in form. Take the mico/macro comparison of cells and planets. Cells, floating in the universe of a human body, are shaped similarly to the planets - circular in form with a core nucleus at the center. Veins can abstractly represent the passage of time - their formation on a microcosmic level might represent the macrocosmic structure of the different paths one can take in time, or even parallel universes. The human brain, our bodies, our planet, the structure of natural life, the structure of sound, and our perceptions of reality could all be traced back to this linear/cyclical theory.

Now, I know this sounds like a harebrained, half-assed attempt at metaphysics to any philosophers on this board, but for a dumb, sheltered, 19 year old who did no drugs except smoking a little weed, just catching a glimpse of this really threw me for a loop. I'm sure what I found already exists in the form of an old published academic thesis, but the fact that all of this information was something that I realized on my own and that it hit me all at once left a huge impression on me. It was a knock you on your ass moment and caused me to wake up a bit. My entire personality changed.

So, to get to the point, heh, I realized that I had more of the female brain then the male. I had no scientific proof to back it up, but it felt like raw, unfiltered 200% proof fact to me. I felt it to my core.

Since then I've been coming to terms with what I learned that day. Not because I think it was a delusion (at least not anymore), but because I realized that whatever my sexual orientation, I would still have to come to terms with what it MEANS to be gay.

So yeah, long story short, did anyone else have a moment like this? Maybe not like this, but a moment where it all came into perspective?

[HollandofFrance]

maybe around 1973 when i was 19 when lance loud appeared on pbs show"an american family"

they say gays have a brain more like female but i don't believe that

[Genersis]

Not really.
I just noticed i was gay when my sex drive kicked in and i was attracted to men.
Around 10 years old.
Then the romantic feelings kicked in at 16 that confirmed it.
There was no realisation, as i didn't really think nor care about if i WAS gay or not.

Would of been nice if i had heard of gay people before i realised i was in retrospect. I might of cared more and knew more about the baggage that comes with it.(Stigma, coming out of the closet ETC)
But meh, i've always been fine with my sexuality.mile:

[dfiant]

Pretty much the same as what Genersis says. No defining moment of realisation, just a gradual awakening as hormones started to kick in prior to puberty.

[East]

Mine was an exact moment...I think it was my sophomore year in High School...I was getting ready for school before breakfast and it occurred to me consciously I was gay for the first time...I hung around with a band of gay boys and lesbians (this was in the early 70s)....my best friends were three Wiccan Lesbians who had the Stevie Nicks vibe...a lesbian that dressed up like Liza Minnelli...a gay guy who dressed up like Sylvester when he was in Sylvester and the Hot Band...a gay guy who idolized David Bowie and dressed alot like him...and then there was me and Jim who were both rather ordinary in comparison...we had alot of fun in HS.

I told my whole family five minutes after it occurred to me I was gay,...my mom and dad and brothers...I had zero problem because truthfully i felt lucky to be gay....not cursed or doomed. This is why I rarely offer help to people coming out or who are afraid of coming out...I can't relate. Being gay is a special gift IMO. I know that is out of step with alot of people's experience but it is how I felt.

[Drew]

I didn't really have a eureka moment like that, but I was similar in that I was mostly attracted to girls around when puberty started. I didn't really chase after them in high school and didn't find any of my male schoolmates attractive, but I knew I had a thing for guys after viewing some naked pics of guys/porn on the internet. I slowly admitted to myself that I was at least bisexual by my early 20's but have identified as exclusively gay for the past 3 years or so.

It's been a process, not a singular moment.

[mrk2010]

I didn't really have a eureka moment like that, but I was similar in that I was mostly attracted to girls around when puberty started. I didn't really chase after them in high school and didn't find any of my male schoolmates attractive, but I knew I had a thing for guys after viewing some naked pics of guys/porn on the internet. I slowly admitted to myself that I was at least bisexual by my early 20's but have identified as exclusively gay for the past 3 years or so.

It's been a process, not a singular moment.

I had a similar sort of experience, I never chased girls around and well the rest is history lol

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I had only an intellectual interest in the females of the species.

While I did date in high school a nice gal by the name of Melisa, she was a 'good girl', never into kissing and touching and Lord forbid sex until marriage. She was the perfect girl for a guy who had no interest in boobies what so ever.

I was so far in the closet that I most likely didn't even look at guys either. Its hard to recall exactly how I felt about the male gender. I think with a little loathing and fear.

My brother exploded out of the closet when I was 12 (he was 16) and that didn't end well. He went from high-school jock to 110% nelly queen over night, from 'butch' to lisping, limp-wristed, finger snapping. My mother didn't take it well, she kicked him out of the house. He ended up being a male prostitute in L.A., this is where he would later get HIV, that turned to aids. In 1980/81 (He was only 18 when he was diagnosed).

Since I didn't feel like lisping, or snapping my fingers or wearing short- shorts, I knew I couldn't be 'gay'. Unfortunately my knowledge on what being gay is, was very limited to the stereotypes instilled into me.

I took my lack of 'interest' in females to mean I was naturally celibate, which was one of the reasons why I was attracted to the whole notion of being part of the Clergy. My interest went so far as to seriously contemplate joining the Brotherhood of St. Francis Friars - who take a vow of obedience, poverty and celibacy - all three I had no problem with.

It wasn't until I was 24, after seminary, working my 3 years of ministry and doing 'missionary work' to the City of Gomorrah (Las Vegas) I also lived and worked and did missionary work in Sodom (San Francisco) during my seminary days in Bezerkly (Berkley) in one of those posh hotels in Downtown Gomorrah where they rented rooms by the hour that I discovered I are gay.

That discovery came in the form of Robert - the 'night maintenance man'. That was the title, the actual job entailed carrying a big stick and walking through the halls and when a 'guest' was screaming he would go into the room and 'fix' the john with a baseball bat....

I worked the front desk - a right opportune place for me to do missionary work, reaching out to the sick in spirit, being a guiding light to the unwashed masses .

Anyways, he took a fancy to me and slowly convinced me that we would make a nice team. It took about six months for him to get me to go to his room for 'a beer'....

I had been exposed to the Gay in Sodom (San Francisco), I lived at the San Damiano Friary on Delores St, which was about 5 blocks from the infamous Castro Street. Brother James, my 'sponsor' and 'mentor' would take me to Castro Street, Folsom Street and Polk Street to do 'out reach' to gay 'boys' - usually looking for hustlers, teenagers who were forced on the street and turning tricks to survive. We would try to help them, try to get them hooked up with outreach programs and financial aide and the like.

We also passed out billions of condoms and pamphlets on HIV and the like - this was in the 80's when HIV/AIDS was taking a huge toll and Government wasn't interested in education folk.

In Gomorrah, (Las Vegas) I was sent to minister to the sick, I served in a hospice-like environment. Basically the terminally ill were sent home to die. We delivered food (sort of meals on wheels) and did things like get their medications, visit with them offering them "spiritual consultation" - again this was in the 80's when a lot of young men were dying from the plague.

I most likely did not 'relate' to homosexuality because I was more or less exposed to the 'dark side' of 'being gay' - the sick in spirit, the sick in body, those forced to turn tricks in order to survive.

When Robert started coaxing me out of my closet I had a real conflict of the spirit, I sent many letters to my mentor (Brother James) who finally confessed to me that he had a fancy for me as well, then went on to list many of the other brothers who had the dalliance on the side.

For me the issue was not so much 'Am I gay?' the impact was what being gay meant to my then set goals in life were. I was already losing my faith in organized religion, a few years of seminary and being exposed to the politics of the Anglican and Catholic Churches was a real revelation, The 'confession' of Brother James and the detailed reports of how many of the trusted, revered men in my life who were so willing to break vows was sort of the final straw to break the back of my 'religious convictions'.

I decided that yes I was gay. No, I could not in faith take Vows, no I could not serve an Organized Religion with as many issues and hidden problems and down right lies that it had. I decided to come out of the closet BEFORE I had 'beers' with Robert.

To me it was an honor thing. I was in love in Robert (almost from the moment we met). the whole struggle with my sexuality was one of intellectual and spiritual pride more than acknowledging the possibility of my being 'gay'. I had that "Eureka Moment" about two weeks into Robert coaxing me out of the closet. It suddenly made sense why I was not attracted to the females of the species. My Issues surrounded my dedication to 'The Church'. Mind I had a strong faith in 'The Church' - I lacked faith in God. My Bad.

[LateBloomer]

Great story Bowyn.



I definitely went thru a "celibate" or "asexual" stage. All the way to age 35, I guess. Then another four year "dry spell" shortly after that.

Ostensibly straight --> asexual --> bisexual...and I assume over time, the way things are headed one day I'll identify as --> gay.

Life is a trip (in every sense of the word).

[pellaz]

I could easily date a gay man where to save my life I could not get a straight date.