Was there a moment you realized that you were gay?

[East]

I most likely did not 'relate' to homosexuality because I was more or less exposed to the 'dark side' of 'being gay' - the sick in spirit, the sick in body, those forced to turn tricks in order to survive.

Most of those people who were "sick in spirit" were sick because of what religion and religion's effect on their families did to them..telling them they were bad/evil/dirty their whole lives...

I think the people who were TRULY sick in spirit were the ones who forced them into these positions...

...instead of seeing them as the "dark side of being gay"...I wondered why God was picking all his flowers at once.

[hamsandwizh]

I really wasn't ever attracted to women although I did date women for a very long time. There has seriously been like, two women I have seriously been attracted to on the same level as I am with men. One was this chick I knew in junior high and high school and it was never gonna happen but she was beautiful! Wow! The other was my best friend when I lived in Phoenix but she was my best friend and lesbian so never gonna happen there either.

But yes, I knew I was gay when I was in junior high, in class talking to this awesome guy named Jason, and for at least a few weeks, if not, more, I had always had a strong feeling towards him but wasn't sure what it was, I knew we got along great, and he was an awesome guy but it was more then that and I didn't know what it was but I figured it out after class one day and I was leaving in 7th grade and walking to another class thinking about how him and I got along so great but I had a strange, stronger attraction to him I'd never felt with anyone before and suddenly a thought popped up into my head that said "Oh shit, I think I'm gay!" and that's when I knew, and it led to a long process of self doubt, depression, etc. But things are amazing now!

[Pix]

Brother James, my 'sponsor' and 'mentor' would take me to Castro Street, Folsom Street and Polk Street to do 'out reach' to gay 'boys' - usually looking for hustlers, teenagers who were forced on the street and turning tricks to survive. We would try to help them, try to get them hooked up with outreach programs and financial aide and the like.

We also passed out billions of condoms and pamphlets on HIV and the like - this was in the 80's when HIV/AIDS was taking a huge toll and Government wasn't interested in education folk.

This reminds me of a positive experience I had with Christianity that may have even had a touch of the miraculous. I was a 15-year-old runaway in Houston (summer of 98) with a krew of runaway kids, many of whom turned tricks. (Btw, I never considered prostitution as indicative of orientation: if a street kid wanted to get by turning tricks then men composed like 99% of the clientele, and so straight boys and lesbians had to turn tricks with them despite their lack of interest or even disgust. Of course even straight girls and gay boys could feel repulsed just as easily and many did drugs to deal with the pain of their life. It wasn't about sex, it was about survival.)

Anyway, the positive experience: a pair of elderly nuns came by and preached to us, and some in our krew were pretty scary (and just in case it's not clear, we technically were a gang, many of the members 16-18, and though we didn't pop the usual attitude of many gangs, I did see them do things so violent to those who who mistreated us that I don't dare describe it). The pair had absolutely no fear of us and I sensed only compassion. They handed out free condoms (to both boys and girls).

There are 2 reasons why I'm even in a little awe. One, they were elderly and to my knowledge they were never attacked. This was a violent area with barbarians who didn't give a damn if you were old or a nun, in fact that might make you even more attractive as a potential victim.

The 2nd was one girl in our krew had been HORRIBLY abused by Catholics. It's a long, sordid, depressing story that I'll skip, though just to give an idea of how deep her hatred ran, the abuse included her being repeatedly raped and given forced abortions (no clinic) starting when she was 12 and lasting until she ran away at 13-14 (she was 14 at the time the nuns came to us). She was extremely violent and joined the boys in doing horrible things I won't describe, and she had a love for Satanism (I mean the demonic kind) and hatred of all Christians, especially Catholics. Yet not only did she refrain from attacking those nuns (and I was really scared she was, and surprised when she didn't), she accepted lit from them (silently, grudgingly, but she did it). She waited until they left before she took out her lighter and set the pamphlets they gave her (and those of us who'd give her ours) on fire. I asked her why she was so nice and even waited for them to leave before burning the pamphlets and she said, "I don't know." It obviously perplexed her.

If I've ever met Christians with some kind of protective aura or protected by God it was those nuns.

[sneakyc25]

I had a hunch when I was growing up that something was a little off and I am a fairly naive person. I remember having crushes all the way back 6th grade and possibly before then. It really hit me hard when I was sitting in my senior calculus class. I was wondering what my best friend(at that time) was up to and felt lonely without him near me or talking to me. It is hard to explain, but it was basically a really big crush and I was finally able to connect the dots. It scared the shit out of me. I had attended Catholic schools up until my 3rd year of college, so I have always been around rather conservative and rather religious people. Needless to say my senior year of high school involved lots of crying in the shower and in bed at night. At this point in my life I really enjoy being gay and wouldn't change it for anything, but I do regret still being "in the closet" :frown:

[Marvinteck]

I was in denial about my sexuality for the longest time. I do remember a distinct moment where I realized that I really was attracted to guys. I was still in sort of denial even after I came out to two friends online. After I came out to the second person I wanted to confirm my suspicions. I came home after work and hopped online to leaf through pictures of guys to see if I was turned on or not. I was online for awhile and ended up watching some gay porn as well. I started getting aroused by just looking at guys online and at that very moment a light bulb went off inside my head. All hell broke loose after that. I wasnt planning on coming out at the time but within two weeks I had told all of my family and close friends.

[gfxtwin]

There are some great posts in here. I loved reading your stories.

I think I may slightly be on the down low, but then again I'm acting the way I feel like I should anyway because I live with my grandparents and they don't ever want to nor should they talk about gay issues with me.

I'm glad to hear that some of you have found a deep love for someone. I've never felt like I was in love with anyone. Hopefully this changes. I've always felt more of an attraction to the sexual organs and less to the people attached. Might have something to do with being exposed to porn and sex at an early age, who knows. I'm not addicted to sex, though, because I never want to have it. Especially not since the feeling in my genitals left. I don't have any sexual desires at all anymore. Now I'm afraid that if I do finally love someone, like another man, and I do have sex with him, it won't mean anything to either of us because my parts have as much sensitivity as a finger.

What should I do? See a doctor? Take Viagra (I can get a boner, just not one that is sensitive)? Could it be the anti-psychotics that I'm taking? My lack of external stimulation (use it or lose it)? Has anyone heard of this happening before?

[TommyinKY]

Well I found myself attracted to men about the beginnings of puberty so I was pretty young still. Of course being that young and the time period being the late 90's I Kept it secret. All I thought of was "if anyone finds out I'm gonna get my ass kicked." As far as self affirming it I did that when I was 14.

You know even if its just being honest with yourself, it does help you to feel better. Lying to yourself about your attractions and emotions just makes you hate yourself as much as you think others hate you. If you aren't true to yourself you can never reach your full potential.

[LateBloomer]

There are some great posts in here. I loved reading your stories.

I think I may slightly be on the down low, but then again I'm acting the way I feel like I should anyway because I live with my grandparents and they don't ever want to nor should they talk about gay issues with me.

I'm glad to hear that some of you have found a deep love for someone. I've never felt like I was in love with anyone. Hopefully this changes. I've always felt more of an attraction to the sexual organs and less to the people attached. Might have something to do with being exposed to porn and sex at an early age, who knows. I'm not addicted to sex, though, because I never want to have it. Especially not since the feeling in my genitals left. I don't have any sexual desires at all anymore. Now I'm afraid that if I do finally love someone, like another man, and I do have sex with him, it won't mean anything to either of us because my parts have as much sensitivity as a finger.

What should I do? See a doctor? Take Viagra (I can get a boner, just not one that is sensitive)? Could it be the anti-psychotics that I'm taking? My lack of external stimulation (use it or lose it)? Has anyone heard of this happening before?

Definitely seek professional help if you are on anti-psychotics and you're having trouble connecting to people (emotionally, sexually, romantically, etc...).

My story is posted elsewhere on this site, but basically I had problems with intimacy all the way through my mid 30s. But now, in my 40s, it's all I crave.

You will change, because change is GROWTH. And if you stop changing, then you stop growing and you start DYING.

So the point is, you feel one way today, but in the future you can almost be guaranteed to feel different. Just get some good support now before you get too old and comfortable and secure in your ways. You don't wanna end up living like a cat lady all by yourself. Life is better when it's shared. I learned that the hard way, but it's never too late.

[fredv3b]

I definitely had 'a moment', it was followed by a long time of trying to come to terms with it and denial but there was a moment.

I was 12 or so, watching a documentary on TV about HIV/AIDS, it showed a homoerotic photo. Nothing pornographic just a naked ripped male torso in black and white very tasteful and artistic. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen by a long way.


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[tf2692]

I knew for sure late in high school. Finally acted on it in college. Ah college.. how you do wonders