How Surprised were your Parents?

[azulai]

Well, as a angry, know-everything smart mouth 17 year old, I had kind of caused a minor explosion in the family the way I told my mother I no longer believed in certain religious myths and folktales. :tongue: It was flip, crass and immature, and I honestly don't know how my dad didn't slap the crap out of me. Yet, he didn't but he did tell me never to talk to my mother that way again and that he was disappointed not in what I had said but how I had said it. He also told me to decide what kind of man I wanted to be. He made me realize how short-sighted I was in trying to prove a point. He wasn't surprised with my rejection of religion because he had always been my sounding board and had encouraged me to question.

It took my mom and me a while to repair our relationship and we are close now. But, I am not and never will be proud of the way I acted and hurt her then. I really learned what unconditional love is from both my parents. I spent a lot of time deciding what kind of man I wanted to be.

I didn't plan on telling either of them I was gay until I was out of college and on my own. I had no plans to date; I just wanted to concentrate on school. I didn't want to deal with being gay. I was also conflicted on the whole "coming out" issue. I felt like respect wise, as my parents they should know, but on the other hand, I felt like it was no one's business.

I started getting more comfortable with myself; a little more confident. I decided, like the religion issue, I would start dropping hints to my dad via social issues discussions.

Well, as life often does, it surprises you, and I met someone this past year at school. I thought it would be just a date or two, see what "it's" all about, and go on my way.

I'm kind of moody and need a certain amount of time by myself. Well, I ended up making a very good friend, I liked his ethics, we became exercise buddies, started trying to learn how to cook together and one day he said, you do realize we've been dating for two months? :tongue: He's wonderful, out and somehow appreciates my eccentricities. I fell in love. I found myself in a relationship.

I live at home and school was my other life. I started actually having fun, kind of got a life other than studying and I didn't want to come out and possibly ruin my fun. So I stopped the hints to my dad. It got complicated quick and I couldn't handle the guilt with all the little lies of omission I was telling my parents. My dad had questions and he's not an idiot. I had never expressed any interest in girls or dating and the fact that my new BFF was not a fellow undergrad hadn't escaped his notice. So, I had to accept that I couldn't wait until I graduated.

When I decided to talk to him, I had really learned my lesson with the religion issue. And, this was a bigger deal to me and I wanted his respect. The hints had worked. He wasn't surprised, we were both emotional, and he was upset that I hadn't felt like I could trust him sooner. I was honest about all the dark shit that had been in my head. He got it and has been very supportive. He told me he loved me. He insisted on two thing: telling my mom and meeting my bf.

I wasn't ready for either of those or the emotional onslaught of coming out. I wasn't sure that I was happy about it all even though it had all gone well. I felt angry and raw and I didn't feel any of the relief or weight lifted off my shoulders that some people talk about. So, I didn't want to celebrate it. I cried a lot, told my bf I needed some space, stopped meditating and just kind of freaked out. I did talk to two friends here at GS and they kind of calmed me down.

I decided to let my dad tell my mom and my two younger sisters. I think he was being a shield in some ways and it was almost like he was orchestrating things. I was really worried about losing big brother status with my sisters. There are just little things that I was afraid would change between us, and even between me and my dad. It was no big deal to them; my dad and my little sister watch Glee together so my little sister was perfect, she's really sweet. My other sister is a smart ass, and she was a smart ass; so it felt good that it was their normal behavior. And, it was just stupid stuff like will my dad still hug on me? I kind of freak myself out and over think. But, my dad has been great.

My mother was emotional but supportive. I had been worried we would lose what we had built back up over the religion issue. She told me she loved me and hugged me and that was that. We didn't talk about it any further. I was starting to settle down when one of my sisters let slip that my mom was seeing a counselor. I kind of figured it was about me. I confronted her and my dad. I was told to leave things alone and just concentrate on school. I backed off.

About a month ago, she started teasing me about something and we were actually by ourselves and she told me she had noticed quite a few things when I was young. One thing in particular was when I was around 7, I brought her one of my books and told her that I thought one of the little boys in a picture was cute. I don't remember this at all but she said it bothered her and when she caught me staring at the page again and again, she gradually “lost” the book. She said when she talked to my dad, he said to leave me alone. She said at that point she started pushing me more at my dad and we started to where she would take my sisters to do ‘girl’ things and my dad and I would do ‘guy’ things.

Basically, she always suspected. I guess that's what I needed to hear? IDK, but after that conversation with my mom I finally felt that on-edge feeling go away.

[princealbertofb]

Well, Jake, we all fear to disappoint our parents, I guess. That was probably going on in your mind and wouldn't let you be in peace until it was resolved... What a blessing that your parents understand you and support you!

[Marvinteck]

I lived 900 miles away from my parents when I came out so I had to tell them via telephone. My parents are separated so I had to make two separate phone calls and out myself twice. Overall it went pretty smoothly both times.

My mother's gut reaction was to ask if I was sure I was into guys. I told her yes. A few weeks later I asked if it was a big shock when I came out to her. She said actually she wasnt that shocked. She said when I called her up saying I have good news and I have bad news she knew something was up. As I was leading up to telling her the news and I was talking to her she said in the back of her mind she was saying "Please dont tell me you are gay, please dont tell me you are gay, please dont tell me you are gay". She said as a parent she has had her suspicions since I was a child but didnt want to believe it was true. When I was right about to tell her she said she was waiting for the shoe to drop. Once I told her the news she was okay with it and said she would love me unconditionally.

My father's gut reaction was to say "oh boy" in a sorta confused unenthusiastic tone. He sounded a bit shocked. Ive never been extremely close to my father. We dont really talk about gay stuff so I havent been able to ask him if he knew before I came out or if he had any suspicions. At any rate nothing has changed between us and we still love one another.

[PMme]

Very suprised

[KJ1989]

Mkay, so getting around to this now.

I did tell my parents on Thursday night. It went mixed but well overall I believe.

My dad kind of chuckled and told me that it's my choice and that he doesn't have a problem. My mum was very quiet. I asked her if she was ok and she said "I don't know". I told them that if they have any questions or anything like to not be afraid to ask me. Mum asked if I had a BF/if there was someone there, I told her no and there has been. My dad asked has there ever been a girl and the same answer went to him.

They didn't seem up for having a lengthy conversation nor do I think they wanted to, so I told them I'm gonna go up to my college house until new years eve just to give them some space. They told me that we may talk if need be when I am back.

So yeh I mean, not a perfect story, but not a disaster either. Happy I did it, even though initially after it felt like a horrible decision. The long drive gave me time to reflect on it though. But yeh just thought I'd share it.

[Brandi0514]

I've only come out to my Dad, who took it astoundingly well. It almost seemed irritating that it didn't seem more shocking to him. But his belief is that love is love, and I thank God for him. My mother, on the other hand, I haven't told her. I shoved one foot out of the closet by telling her I was bi and she freaked the f*ck out. Her reason? She didn't want her FRIENDS thinking she was raising a dysfunctional daughter. If I were to tell her that A.) I am a lesbian and B.) I'm living with my girlfriend, i'm certain she would take me away. Thus, i'm keeping my mouth shut until my 18th birthday.

[LateBloomer]

I've only come out to my Dad, who took it astoundingly well. It almost seemed irritating that it didn't seem more shocking to him. But his belief is that love is love, and I thank God for him. My mother, on the other hand, I haven't told her. I shoved one foot out of the closet by telling her I was bi and she freaked the f*ck out. Her reason? She didn't want her FRIENDS thinking she was raising a dysfunctional daughter. If I were to tell her that A.) I am a lesbian and B.) I'm living with my girlfriend, i'm certain she would take me away. Thus, i'm keeping my mouth shut until my 18th birthday.

SMART GIRL!

I don't know your mother, but if she's more concerned about what HER FRIENDS think than how her daughter feels, then I think you're doing the right thing by staying down low until you're truly independent of her.

Have you considered that your mother and father may talk about your orientation at some point?

[Aester]

In only out to one friend yet, who took it surprisingly bad. As we were very good friends before, it has just been an awkward tension between us and speaks rarely. As I clearly stated to him I had no intentions with him and only wanted his support and a strong friendship, and he said he is OK with it but I think he has a hard time handling with it.

[SleepTalker]

Aester i love your picture lol. I havent told anyone in my family yet. My mom said she would kill herself if any of her kids turned out gay. That was when we were kids. So of course i would be too afraid to tell her and do whatever i could to cover it up. No one ever suspected it at all because i was so good at acting. i started out by telling my best friend. He accepted me completely. It helped that he already had a gay friend lol. I was just worried things would change between us because we are so close. I told another friend about a year after. That was a mistake. She got angry at me one night and started to out me to her family on the way home from dinner. I ended up telling her family that i was bi a couple months later. A few more friends at work no that im bi also. It gets easier the more you do it. I havent spoken to one friend in months though. Im not sure what happened but ive heard that he found out im bi. Ive tried messaging him but he wont reply. Hes supposed to be coming over for the New Year Eves party though so hopefully we will be able to talk then.

[Inchante]

Well, my parents found out because they found a couple of book of mine with gay content. One was about gay people in the holocaust and the other was of gay short stories. That was when I was 18, just before I graduated high school and moved to the city where I would eventually go to college.

They found the books, but it was not until well into that summer that they confronted me about it. By that time, and being liberated from the small town mentality I had come from, I had become super gay. I was in activist organizations, going to a gay bar that allowed 18+ to go and dance but not drink on certain nights. So, I think they were more surprised by my turnaround, how very gay I had "become" than the fact that i was gay.

Though, talking about it since, my parents say that they had some inkling that I was gay before they found the books. When I was 12 or 13 I would go to a neighbor's house, an elderly woman who lived just up the hill from us, and in exchange for some yard work she would give me classes in oil painting. Anyway, unbeknownst to me, she had had a talk with my parents shortly after we started the classes. She said that I reminded her a lot of her son who was an artist living in California. Apparently, my mannerisms were what had reminded her of her son, who was gay. So, they had some inkling about my sexuality for years.

I still get the notion that my father would like me to be heterosexual as he will perk up if I talk about any of my female friends, but he has largely given up on the idea that it is a faze. I think if I ever brought a guy home with me to meat my parents, which has not happened yet, that would probably put the end to what hopes that he still has in that direction.