01-05-2012, 12:21 AM
I am not sure where to beging with this. I may be a little long winded on here because I have recently had different veiws on this.
Let me start out by saying that I was born and raised catholic. I was made to go to church and was an alter boy. I didn't really care for church and wasnt really sure if I believed in god or not then. From about 8th grade until I was about 17 I can remember spending many nights laying in bed and praying that I was not having the feelings I was having about other boys and would even cry myself to sleep on many occations for fear that I was gay. I grew up in this town that I still live in that does not have any known "gays" in the area and have heard many people through out my childhood talk badly about them and I sure didn't want myself to be gay. I guess my fear went to anger and I completly quit going to church and told my parents I would never go to church again and that there was no god. I didn't know why up until a couple of years ago but I am pretty sure I just figured if there was a god why would he put me through this? Every year my mom would ask me to go to church with her on Christmas which I refused. When people brought up god or jesus I would tell them flat out that there is no such thing! When you die you get baried and you rot, end of story! That is how it has been for me up about a year ago. I happen to find a guy that I had a descrete relationship with. He lived two hours from me so I would go there every weekend for about three months and I can say I guess for the first time in my life I found love. Something I had never felt or alowed myself to feel and it was great.mile: Welll I soon learned the hard way that love sucks and I got burned but thats another story.... JK, it was a great feeling and hope to feel it again. Anyway, there I was, in the closet, crushed and nobody to talk to about it. I found out what being depressed was all about. I couldn't even go up to my parents for dinner for fear that I would have a breakdown. One night when it was really rough my sisters 8 year old called me up and told me what she did at school and told me she loved me out of the blue. I definatly needed that on that night. Then I had one friend that would post theses sayings on her facebook wall and it was like they were all the right words that I needed to hear ( I stole a lot of theses sayings off her wall and you can see them in my albums on here.) Another night, I went to bed feeling completely down and out I turned my radio on and this song by Kid Rock that I had never heard came on "Faith" was the name of it. Listen to it sometime. Things right down to a fortune cookie in a restraunt that I got. I cant remember the message but it was dead on. It was just one strange "message" after another and it was getting creepy. I went to a christmas play for my neices and one of the kids on stage with a star role I reconized to be the son of a girl in my highschool class. She had struggled with cancer for a few years and passed about six months before. She had two kids. Then another class came out with a hadicaped child which had a huge smile on her face and was just happy to be there. I sat there feeling pretty selfish that night thinking about the two boys going through there childhood without a mother and the handicaped kid just happy to be there and me sitting there sulking because I was gay. When I finally quite feeling bad for myself I stopped and looked back at the whole thing. When I was down and out with nobody, was sombody looking out for me? I think so.... I don't know who or what and it's not like I plan on going back to church but it made me think. I live in a area full of homophobes. I am a masculine guy that has a ton of Homophobic firends. Was I put in this small town of closed minded people for a reason? Am I sopose to show these "freinds" that talk so badly about "queers" that the person they have always known and called there friend is gay? Maybe there is a god and maybe that is my challenge to make a diffenece so the next boy or girl doesn't have to pray and cry themselves to sleep and can go to bed happy with the person that he or she is.... I am not sure who helped me and is still helping me but there is something or somebody guiding me. This has been a rough year but I am one hell of a better person than I was a year ago because of it and have learned so much more about life. The important things.
Sorry to sound sappy and I hope I don't sound crazy, I am sure if I would have read this about six months ago I would have thought I was a freak.
Let me start out by saying that I was born and raised catholic. I was made to go to church and was an alter boy. I didn't really care for church and wasnt really sure if I believed in god or not then. From about 8th grade until I was about 17 I can remember spending many nights laying in bed and praying that I was not having the feelings I was having about other boys and would even cry myself to sleep on many occations for fear that I was gay. I grew up in this town that I still live in that does not have any known "gays" in the area and have heard many people through out my childhood talk badly about them and I sure didn't want myself to be gay. I guess my fear went to anger and I completly quit going to church and told my parents I would never go to church again and that there was no god. I didn't know why up until a couple of years ago but I am pretty sure I just figured if there was a god why would he put me through this? Every year my mom would ask me to go to church with her on Christmas which I refused. When people brought up god or jesus I would tell them flat out that there is no such thing! When you die you get baried and you rot, end of story! That is how it has been for me up about a year ago. I happen to find a guy that I had a descrete relationship with. He lived two hours from me so I would go there every weekend for about three months and I can say I guess for the first time in my life I found love. Something I had never felt or alowed myself to feel and it was great.mile: Welll I soon learned the hard way that love sucks and I got burned but thats another story.... JK, it was a great feeling and hope to feel it again. Anyway, there I was, in the closet, crushed and nobody to talk to about it. I found out what being depressed was all about. I couldn't even go up to my parents for dinner for fear that I would have a breakdown. One night when it was really rough my sisters 8 year old called me up and told me what she did at school and told me she loved me out of the blue. I definatly needed that on that night. Then I had one friend that would post theses sayings on her facebook wall and it was like they were all the right words that I needed to hear ( I stole a lot of theses sayings off her wall and you can see them in my albums on here.) Another night, I went to bed feeling completely down and out I turned my radio on and this song by Kid Rock that I had never heard came on "Faith" was the name of it. Listen to it sometime. Things right down to a fortune cookie in a restraunt that I got. I cant remember the message but it was dead on. It was just one strange "message" after another and it was getting creepy. I went to a christmas play for my neices and one of the kids on stage with a star role I reconized to be the son of a girl in my highschool class. She had struggled with cancer for a few years and passed about six months before. She had two kids. Then another class came out with a hadicaped child which had a huge smile on her face and was just happy to be there. I sat there feeling pretty selfish that night thinking about the two boys going through there childhood without a mother and the handicaped kid just happy to be there and me sitting there sulking because I was gay. When I finally quite feeling bad for myself I stopped and looked back at the whole thing. When I was down and out with nobody, was sombody looking out for me? I think so.... I don't know who or what and it's not like I plan on going back to church but it made me think. I live in a area full of homophobes. I am a masculine guy that has a ton of Homophobic firends. Was I put in this small town of closed minded people for a reason? Am I sopose to show these "freinds" that talk so badly about "queers" that the person they have always known and called there friend is gay? Maybe there is a god and maybe that is my challenge to make a diffenece so the next boy or girl doesn't have to pray and cry themselves to sleep and can go to bed happy with the person that he or she is.... I am not sure who helped me and is still helping me but there is something or somebody guiding me. This has been a rough year but I am one hell of a better person than I was a year ago because of it and have learned so much more about life. The important things.
Sorry to sound sappy and I hope I don't sound crazy, I am sure if I would have read this about six months ago I would have thought I was a freak.