Is it ever going to happen?

[HuffleScuffle]

Okay, so I may have mislead you a bit by the title of this thread, but hear me out because despite the immense amount of self-analysis I'm going to lay down here there is a question I need answered.

So I'm kind of a bitch. And by "kind of" I mean I make other self-proclaimed bitches cry just by staring at them for ten seconds, and this translates to my entire life basically. It can sometimes be a good thing because it affords me the ability to be brutally honest when I want and need to be because it's just part of who I am. I was born a bitch (my mother says that I whacked the back of my head against the wall of her *shiver*birthing cavity*shiver* three times before I would allow the doctor's to pull me out) and I will likely die a bitch. But I'm also sweet as sugar. It's confusing. One moment I can be ripping someone apart for wearing something hideous and the next moment I'm nursing a dying kitten back to health. I can see how this would be a bit much for some people because I don't know how I manage to be so incredibly awful and nice at the same time. It's exhausting.

I've asked my friends how they put up with me and the general consensus is that they'd rather be in my good graces than have me berating them mercilessly.

I know, I've heard that I sound like the biggest douche bag to come around since Hitler and The Situation...but I can't help it. People make me that way. And I'd like to be nicer to people and open myself up more but I find it so incredibly difficult to smile and wave at someone who makes me want to throw up in my mouth, which usually means everyone. And I'm becoming a teacher? Sounds like a joke, but it's not.

I should say that, even though I was born with the Bitch Bone firmly in place, I wasn't always a a raging asshole.

I was always treated like garbage by my classmates. Literally, I was thrown in a dumpster behind my old high school a few times because I had accidentally let my wrist flick about a little too obviously. And it wasn't only the closet gays and outright homophobes that treated me like the bastard child of Quasimodo and Shrek. Guys I would make an effort to be nice to and get involved with would step all over me. Because apparently I have no feelings and it didn't matter if they would ask me out on a date and then cancel so they could get a quickie from some manwhore in the backseat of a station wagon. That was not the message I was trying to send. I toned down my asshattery tenfold when I was with these guys and although it killed me to not be a bitch I told myself it was worth it, but that must give them the right to trample me to death.

So I vowed to never not be a bitch because it's the only thing that keeps me sane. As long as I can tell myself that Stephen is going to give Kevan herpes and then one of them will fall of a bridge...I will be okay.

But I don't always want to be like that because people don't like it and it makes me miserable sometimes. I have friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends and I'm the awkward single penguin just sitting in a corner nibbling on a saltine cracker while they get their macks on and rub their delirious happiness in my face.

And I'm not even ugly. I'm handsome in a classic, 50s way. I'm sure the 50s have come back in style a couple times now...but I'm never in style. Ever. I try to change for people...I don't get shit. I don't change for people, and...I don't get shit. So what the Christ am I supposed to do? Or do I not do anything and just remain a single old manbitch for the rest of my life?

Because I'm not okay with that, that is not a life that I have planned for myself.

No judgmental dickweeds please, I've already called myself a bitch about ten times in this post so don't insult me with that...it's not even an insult anymore. I'm...just really lonely and depressed. I don't bare my feelings ever, really, so this is kind of a big thing for me (throw some confetti).

[iPromise]

Hey, umm I couldn't help but laugh when I read your post, just because I've met some people like you. At the same time I was a bit concerned and curious as to why you act this way, then I started to read you second paragraph.

Do you think maybe the reason you act this way is to protect yourself? Protection from what had happened in the past? You know there's many ways to protect yourself, instead of being a "bitch" to people to protect yourself, why not learn from your experience and appreciate the fact that not everyone is the same, so not everyone deserve your bitching attitude.

I've met maybe about two - three guys like you, same attitude and feelings about themselves. Nevertheless; I understand why they act that way, it's because they are either too insecure around other people because of the past, or this is something they choose because it's the only option for them.

I must say my relationship wasn't anything worth mentioning because it wasn't long. I cannot stand people who are just so negative around me and especially those who are so negative about themselves. I didn't want to be around people like that and couldn't ever see myself living with someone like them.

Let me ask you something, would you ever live with someone like yourself? Would you really find happiness that way? Live to love, and stop all the hate. Sure the past was rough, brutal, horrid, but don't repeat the past, learn form it and teach the alternatives to our future so they can see that you know what, sure you may have had a terrible past, but at least you're not living it everyday, you choose a different way, a better way.

It's only going to happen if you change for yourself, stop chaining for other people. Do this for yourself, because surely you know that not everyone is deserving of your "bitching". Stop being so insecure with everyone, sure honesty is always the best thing, but sometimes it's not, people have feelings, just like you do, just like how you felt during the past.

:/ You'll find happiness once you've lived, give and pursue happiness.

[HuffleScuffle]

The nice and non-jaded part of me totally gets what you're saying and agrees with almost all of it, of course the nasty side of me wants to deny that I'm trying to protect myself.

So we'll side with nice HuffleScuffle for now. I do try to protect myself because no one ever has, besides my parents and even they're still a little wary of anything pertaining to my sexuality despite the fact that they're pretty supportive. My friends think I can take care of myself all the time because of my attitude towards everything but that's not true. I need someone to take care of me every once in a great while. And I try not to be a douche but I find it hard to control. It just spills forth like a fountain of angry vomit.

I won't see a counselor, the last time I did they told me that we needed to end our scheduled sessions because I was offensively stubborn and belligerent. That's me for you.

[Zet]

You remind me a bit of a Childhood friend that I share a lot of history with. I've not had an easy upraising and same didn't he, we were both was hated and bullied, yet turned out so different. Like he turned a bit aggressive, bitchy as defense against intruders, fight fire with fire, unlike me who gone afraid and paranoid. We still hang out and are very close, but around me he is a totally different person. I can't say to you what to do or not to do, since I am not even so good at taking care of my self, but one thing that I try imprint in my head is that Past is behind us, the future is to far, we live in the present, worry or plan to much as you might die the other day. My biggest inspiration is how would you feel at the day of your death, would you like to look back at all the good memories, or only have remorse for the things you did not do? I know you aren't suicidal but still... Would you want to look back at your life and only see a grumpy bitter old man, or a happy man filled with joy? Think about it.

[Pix]

Are you sure you want to be a teacher? You'll have to deal with a lot of hideously dressed idiots, and the adults are probably worse than the kids. Perhaps you think you can stand up for the bullied, but that's likely to put you in conflict with the jocks and coaches and will not be tolerated in most schools, and in plenty of states the schools are practically run by fundies (at least indirectly, though there's an organized campaign to take over school boards--and they LIKE that certain people are bullied).

You'd probably do better in a career where you don't have to work with a lot of people, like say maybe an actuary, accountants, or statisticians (if your strong point is math), or if you're more into things like history than maybe genealogy. If all else fails, maybe you could find work as an usher or court reporter. Just some suggestions off the top of my head (having no idea what your strengths are).

I know you didn't ask and I'm sorry if this bugs you, but I don't think you'd do well as a teacher.

[iPromise]

Oh, Pix you make a great point, whether he asked for it or not. I'm hoping though that if perhaps being a teacher is truly his desire/dream, then maybe he can change himself for what he wants to become.

I'm sure that the past will most likely influence the way he teaches, but I'm hoping it'll be for the better for him and the kids.

[HuffleScuffle]

I would agree with you Pix if I hadn't had a year long internship at an in-need school.

It was part of a program I did that earned me extra college credit and I had the option between a nicer school on the West End or one of the problem schools on the South Side, and because I'm very passionate about helping children and education I chose the school on the South Side.

I was exposed to just about every situation imaginable, excluding bomb threats and shootings. I had to deal with kids getting bullied on a daily basis and oftentimes I was the only one the kids felt comfortable to come and talk to because I've been there. I became a completely different person when working in the school because I felt like I belonged and was meant to be there. I never treated any of the kids unfairly, even in situations where bullying was a catalyst. What I did was sit down with both students (or however many students were involved) and had them explain to the other why they did what they did, how it made themselves feel, and how it made others feel. After that I would encourage them to apologize, but only if they meant it, and 90% of the time kids left my little counseling session as friends when they had entered as enemies.

With children I cannot judge them or treat them like I treat people my age because much of what they do is due to their immaturity and lack of experience in the world. So yes, I am meant to be a teacher, and though you didn't mean to offend me with your post I am somewhat taken aback. Teaching is my passion and I intend to see it through. I had a wonderful English teacher who to this day remains a close friend and role model and she was the inspiration for my career choice. She told me that if I couldn't help myself, I could help others. And that was what I decided, I was going to be to my students what she was to me.

[iPromise]

So even though the idea of this thread was to discuss you, not the kids, because I'm sure you're absolutely great to the students given your past.

Perhaps though, those kids would be able to change you from your "bitching" attitude towards everyone else like you describe above. You're bound to find someone that loves and care for you when you give back that in a delicate and compassionate way.

Good Luck,

[lokilol]

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[indianajones]

Well, i am compassionate and quite sensitive to others feelings, hwoever, i can be quite blunt, brash, rude sometimes, and oftentimes, insulting to people around. However, i try to avoid such behavior as much as possible, unless and until required. I know that deep inside i am not a bad guy, but yes, at times, in order to deal with shit, i have to get my hands dirty. I am not that typical bitch as what my friends might think of me, however. i am a balanced person, who knows how to avoid doing things impulsively. But, quite honestly, as one of my prefessors had told me once, you cannt be nice all the times, sometimes you have to show your teeth.