trying to hold on

[ceez]

I've been struggling with depression for a while now, I go through highs and lows that last for different periods of time. I think the longest low was two year, I tried to hang myself but failed, I never told anyone about that or that I suffer from depression at all. I think the biggest problem is stress, stress from constantly being called for chores at home, still living at home, my job, school, and of course being gay. Its only a matter of time before everyone starts asking me why I don't have a girlfriend.

I was hoping most of the stress would be gone now because I just finished my last class and just have my internship left but its just getting more intense. I think I'm coming down to another extreme low, I found myself googleing ways to kill yourself today. I'm considering professional help but I don't have any money and I don't want to be put on medication or worst of all having my family find out.

Sorry if this sounds like a broken record, I know lots of other people have this problem too but hopefully writing it out and sharing with you guys will help me feel a little better.

[goldeneye101]

Well I'm here if you ever want to talk and I'm sure other people on this site are aswell

[pellaz]

dont ever think the medication is a bad thing. How important is your pride?
does your school offer its students a free clinic.

My take is to talk to the rents and indicate the school + job situation is getting a bit much and you need some time for yourself. Which you do. You dont have time for a significant other.

congratulations on finishing your classes and starting the internship!

[dlboy53]

If you go to a traditional University or college then go to the student health center its free for you and they do have professional people that can help you with your depression. If there is not anything at you University or you don't feel like to talk to them feel free to PM me and we can talk. Or just talk here there are a lot of us that are willing to help I'm sure.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi ceez,

You are right , stress is adding to your depression.
Nervous energy you have no control over , can be the most destructive thing you have in your life.

I hate to sound like a broken record , but you are in danger sweetie and you need professional help , on how to deal with all of this.
Trust me when I say that suicide is the very worse thing you do, not just yourself, but also to all you leave behind.

The aftermath of suicide is the most horrible , never ending circle of pain, doubt,and what ifs you can imagine.

Please sweetie get some professional help , never allow yourself to be at the mercy of such feeling of malice and self doubt.
You need to get on top of this , you need to be the one in control, the only way you will get there,is by getting the to with tools to cope with, a professional can help you this and much more.

As always I am here for you , we all are.
Sending you a huge mum hug.

[pellaz]

i hope you do well you know

[ceez]

thanks everyone, I don't go to a traditional college so I'll try looking online for a professional tomorrow. If not then I'll at least ask my doctor for suggestions on my next visit.

I've been wanting to tell my sister about it for a while now but I'm afraid and I don't know why. I trust her and she's the only one I'm out to right now. hopefully this will change when I get a better job and move out.

[Nick9]

Hi ceez,

I am new to the board, I've been reading posts for some time, but I don't think I am ready to write anything about myself yet. I am still struggling to accept the fact that well, that I am here. I guess it doesn't make much sense. *blush*

But your post made me overcome my hesitation and I hit the reply button to tell you, that I was there myself just a half year ago.
I had different reasons, but I felt really down.

When the idea of a suicide crossed my mind, it was actually comforting. It was like my backup plan... like if I can't hold on, I have a plan B

I told my sister once over the phone. And she was silent. She didn't say a thing. I am not sure if she was too scared or didn't know how serious I was. But it was really bad, it felt like I am alone in this.

An internet friend who I've never met in person helped me a lot. Every time I wrote a short PM or looong post, he was there to say over and over You are worth it, things get better, you have friends, who would miss you, I would miss you terribly, you are wonderful person, I like you because... Over and over, he never got tired and I knew that I couldn't drive him away by my selfloathing PM.

You are not alone, real life may suck for you right now, but you have this community and friends and this world is as important as the real world. So, whenever you feel down, WRITE, even if it is several times a day. We are here for you, babe. You are worth it and you'd be terribly missed.

*hug*

[Jay]

I've been struggling with depression for a while now, I go through highs and lows that last for different periods of time. I think the longest low was two year, I tried to hang myself but failed, I never told anyone about that or that I suffer from depression at all. I think the biggest problem is stress, stress from constantly being called for chores at home, still living at home, my job, school, and of course being gay. Its only a matter of time before everyone starts asking me why I don't have a girlfriend.

I was hoping most of the stress would be gone now because I just finished my last class and just have my internship left but its just getting more intense. I think I'm coming down to another extreme low, I found myself googleing ways to kill yourself today. I'm considering professional help but I don't have any money and I don't want to be put on medication or worst of all having my family find out.

Sorry if this sounds like a broken record, I know lots of other people have this problem too but hopefully writing it out and sharing with you guys will help me feel a little better.

Ceez, I always keep this one thing in mind. When living with parents, always make sure to give them a hand to ease their chores. It's a win win situation for both sides. Parents will not feel the burden and they appreciate to have someone to help them around. They will not going to nag and lecture whatsoever due to this.

After I had my surgery on last December, I decided to move back to my parents' house. Besides they asked me to. I'll be staying with them until I have fully recovered. Now the thing is I'll be having another two surgeries. One of my surgeries will be on this May. So I can easily assume that I have to multiply the duration of my stay in my parents' house.

Even though I'm staying with parents right now, I do not allow them to touch my chores. I do my own laundry, wash dishes (theirs and mine), I cook for myself and sometimes I cook for my parents and I supply them with money to buy grocery and pay utilities. Sometimes my parents asked me to do extra chores for them too. Being an adult does not mean you don't need to do chores anymore. Do not see chores as a burden. See them as a responsibility.

Don't fret about people going to ask why you are still single right now. Yes, that time will eventually come in the future but you probably already moved to your own house and ready to come out. So don't sweat about it.

What kind of problem are you having in school and job, Ceez?

If you need someone to talk, just pm me.

Don't give up on life, Ceez.

[indianajones]

I've been struggling with depression for a while now, I go through highs and lows that last for different periods of time. I think the longest low was two year, I tried to hang myself but failed, I never told anyone about that or that I suffer from depression at all. I think the biggest problem is stress, stress from constantly being called for chores at home, still living at home, my job, school, and of course being gay. Its only a matter of time before everyone starts asking me why I don't have a girlfriend.

I was hoping most of the stress would be gone now because I just finished my last class and just have my internship left but its just getting more intense. I think I'm coming down to another extreme low, I found myself googleing ways to kill yourself today. I'm considering professional help but I don't have any money and I don't want to be put on medication or worst of all having my family find out.

Sorry if this sounds like a broken record, I know lots of other people have this problem too but hopefully writing it out and sharing with you guys will help me feel a little better.

dear Ceez

i have struggled with my depression and anxiety all my life. I am 28, single gay male from India.

Life has been a continous struggle so far and i doubt that things will change for big.

Just want to tell you that you are not alone in this situation. There are plenty of people what are undergoing the same trauma.
Regards

Rachit