What to do?

[Michael]

hhhmmmm, not sure how antagonistic I feel today to get mixed up in this....

(Like that has ever stopped me...ok)

The point Spotysocks was eluding to is that those of you still in the closet throw around all kinds prejudices. Most of these come from fear that others will recognize YOU in the openness or actions of others. There are all kinds of different people out there in both worlds (gay and straight), how often do you feel threatened by some goth dude or blonde Paris Hilton look alike or football fan? At the most it's just a quick laugh and then on back to your life.

This whole I'm so masculine and all those effiminate or muscled or whatever..boys is a reflection of your own fears. If it wasn't it wouldn't bother you. YOU are not THEM, so how they act should have nothing to do with you.. unless of course you're worried others will see something IN YOU reflected in them.

Try as you might to distance yourself or pretend you're better or "not one of THOSE fags", to straight people every time you get on your knees you're a big homo. End of story. The rest is just semantics.

You are who you are, you act how you act, as do others. Prejudices only show fear and end up hurting others based on our own inadequacies. You have the right to be attracted to whomever you want, but pointing fingers at others to "save" yourself or somehow make yourself better is worse than all the mincing, touching queens put together in my opinion. (For what it's worth).

At the very least they have had the courage and honesty to do what you yourselves have not yet managed. To stand up and be open and honest about who they really are regardless of what others may think about them. If for nothing else they should be respected for that.

[spotysocks]

Spoty Gayspeak never works for me, it doesnt show when new updates occur???

I have noticed that when you post in a topic with sub-categories (like Computer -IT and Tv Series- Programs) then it wont appear at the new posts in Recent Post list on the main page but it appears on the link 'New post' on User CP block at the top of the main page.

Is that what you guys mean ? mile:

[spotysocks]

can def relate to this...i live in central London and the whole "scene" as they say is very much about one night stands. i really cannot stand effeminate men that screw everything that moves and give you the "fuck me or stop fucking looking at me" look. I am not out and have never really pursued this myself but I live close to Soho and see it all the time.

i swim for a few teams at university and have even practiced with an exclusively gay team once by accident because I went to the wrong practice (they didn't know I was gay...i just told them i wanted to fit in a workout and they were actually very welcoming). its just they were all sooooo effeminate and touchy feely to the point that it made ME ( a gay male) uncomfortable so I cannot imagine how a straight guy must feel.

I am attracted to normal guys who are not overly masculine but certainly not overtly effeminate either. Are their really so few of them out there?

All you say is understandable, have seen it myself. Cant deny that there are guys who are effeminate but however that depends on who says it. How effeminate, Hollyoaks gay guy effeminate?
Also have to separate effeminate guys from the bitchy gay guys, is very different.

Effeminate guys are not necessarily bitchy (as bitchy is not necessarily gay) instead i can say that effeminate guys are often a lot of fun to be around , they give the warmest hugs and are fun loving. Still though is like placing them into categories and creating stereotypes which is not my intention but i use this as an example. I dont see a point when some guys i ve met put an act to seem straight or hide gayness.
Although i am not a touchy feely person, i don't think is wrong for someone gay or straight to be, unless they touch you in a sexual way that you don't want which in that case is almost abuse.

There are guys who are normal and not effeminate you can say they are gay and there are normal guys not effeminate you cannot say they are gay. Which one would you go for?

[Michael]

Spot on Spotysocks!

The great strides ur community has made in the past years has often been due EXACTLY too those effeminate men who could not hide their sexuality and faced the most abuse or the drag queens who put themselves in the most anger to be who they want to be.

Those of us who an easily pass for straight got to ride on the success of thee people. To put them down because they aren't "straight" enough is just lain wrong in my book. The whole gay rights movement is about diversity and being able to be who you are regardless.

And I still believe until one is honest enough to face all their own demons and be open about their own lives and be "man enough" to tell the truth about themselves, the last thing they should be doing is questioning the masculinity of others......

There's a lot more to being a man than just looking like one.

[voice]

I'll go against the norm here :eek: and say I don't think the internet is the way to get to know people. I believe it makes you more sheltered because there's no social attachment, it can be dangerous because you never know who you're talking to and it's alienating because you see a picture of someone who probably isn't what you expect when you do meet him/her.

It's tough for some people coming to terms with their sexuality, so many questions that (it seems) no-one can answer and then you begin to self-analyse. Gay bars can be pretty intimidating and, let's face it, kind of boring too sometimes. But your first step is not how to meet someone but to be confident in yourself. Maybe there's a social group for people your age group you can drop by from time to time just so you get comfortable talking with like minded people for example.

In any case don't be afraid of who you might be and certainly don't start labelling yourself now.

[Mark]

Voice.. I think your advice would be better if you said it in person, as to me your kinda contridicting yourself, as your giving online advice, and you are online, so do you think you are sheltered?

Also may I say nobody actually suggested to fully trust.. Its to meet someone just online. Not to build up some huge relationship, I mean this forum is a place to meet people, and some of the advice has probs helped him, making I feel my point proved :biggrin:

[Michael]

Salty, you're too clever by half!

The thing is, whether on line or in person meeting people is difficult. I DO agree with Voice on a coupe of points because the net IS infamous for those to things. Deception AND isolation. A whole young generation that spends more time inside (and inside their own head) then actually meeting real people.

I think the problem is not so much the medium, but the expectations. You don't go to a club, a bath house, Gaydar or...the park (?) looking for a boyfriend. You go there with at least some small hope of getting lucky. Not that people haven't met a boyfriend there by accident (hopefully not one they already had ;-) ) but that's not the main reason most go.

Alternatively there are sights like this, hobby groups, sports clubs..whatever where another activity is the dominant concept. The idea is not to confuse the two. Or at least learn to be honest with ourselves as to WHY we are also at these places. If you're on a cruising website, be honest and admit what you are looking for is to hook up, or at least that is why everyone else is there... with maybe meeting that special someone if lightning strikes.

THIS is not one of those sites. Like a coffee shop is not a bar is not a club... even though they all serve beverages. All these people that sit around and cry about some of these gay sites being all about cruising... then don't go to that site! Everyone else knows what it's for.

You don't join a choir if what you want to do is play rugby.. then blame the singers.

[Mark]

Hmm I dont expect to meet someone to find and 'Fall in love with'. If it happens then it happens :biggrin: